Fishin' Buddies
by ennisjackgal
Summary: Canon series detailing Ennis and Jack's fishing trips, from 1967 to 1983. They meet a few times a year to enjoy nature and each other, but both are left wanting more.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_June 1967_

Jack had his back turned to Ennis as he got the tent set up. He was hurt and a little angry that Ennis had refused his suggestion of them living together, and the worst part was knowing that Ennis was right; their lives might not be much right now, but it was safe.

He couldn't quite believe the horrors that Ennis had seen as a young child, and he had to admit that it made sense why Ennis was so scared of someone finding out about them. He didn't want to end up like that, and neither did Jack. But neither of them could deny that they wanted this; to be together more often. They had only just found each other again after four long years, and they would simply have to make the most of the time they had.

Jack heard footsteps behind him, and paused when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Bud...look at me." He turned and met Ennis's deep brown eyes, so warm and full of concern. Jack hoped that Ennis knew how he felt about him, and that he felt the same. "Sure am sorry about before. Ain't nothin' we can do..."

He nodded and tore his eyes away. "I know. You got yer life here, I got mine down in Texas. How the dice rolled, I guess."

"Right. You okay?" Ennis asked him, seeing that Jack had gotten a lot quieter after their argument earlier. Jack nodded again.

"Yeah, fine." He looked up into Ennis's face and sighed. "Well...you wanna get in?"

"Sure." They turned towards the tent and Jack crawled in first, knowing that Ennis would be looking at his ass. No matter how many times Ennis might tell himself that he wasn't "like that", it was clear that he was attracted to Jack.

When they were in the tent, they slowly removed their clothes while casting glances at each other. Both could feel a familiar burning inside them; a need to physically connect with each other and sate their desires. A shiver ran through Jack at the thought. Now naked, Ennis's eyes were roaming Jack's body and it was obvious that he liked what he saw.

"You wanna?" Jack breathed, his need for Ennis burning out his anger. He couldn't deny Ennis this when he wanted it so badly himself. Ennis didn't respond, but he put a hand on Jack's warm shoulder and boldly leaned in, pressing their lips together. Jack's eyes slid shut and he sighed, arousal flowing through him once more. Last night at the Siesta had been the best night of his life, and he still couldn't count how many times they'd done it. It had turned into a blur of skin and muscles and come and lube, and he remembered feeling dizzy afterwards from the many times he'd shot. Neither of them could ever get enough, and he knew that this thing had a hold on them both.

They pulled apart and Ennis's eyes were growing dark with lust; a sure sign. Ennis then started pressing his hand firmly to Jack's body and nuzzling at him. Jack knew this was a silent request for him to turn over; Ennis still had issues with doing it face to face. Sometimes they did it that way, and they had done so upon their arrival to the motel the night before, but it seemed easier for Ennis if he didn't see Jack's face. This bothered Jack, for Ennis had kissed him on the mouth many times, but he did as he was asked.

When he was on his stomach, he felt Ennis move over and straddle him from behind, running his hands along Jack's back and feeling the muscles there. Jack appreciated it when Ennis touched him; it helped him to believe that it wasn't just sex. They meant something to each other.

"Mmm," he sighed, enjoying the massage. Ennis smiled a little and kissed the back of his neck.

"Wanna do it, Jack...can we?"

"Yeah..." Jack rose up onto his knees and he heard Ennis opening the lube. After a few moments, he felt Ennis start to penetrate him. "Jesus..."

"You alright?" came a soft whisper near his ear, and he nodded, gasping a little.

"Yeah, go on..." Ennis pushed into him and held him steady around the waist, starting to thrust deeply and slowly. Jack's head fell and his eyes closed. "Oh..."

"Feels damn good, darlin'," Ennis breathed, repeating the endearment that he'd whispered to Jack yesterday, at the stairwell. They moved together slowly until Jack could feel himself starting to leak, and he wished that Ennis would touch him and give him the release he needed.

As if he'd read Jack's mind, Ennis snaked his hand down and took hold of him, jerking him off and thrusting into him until he was coming. A deep groan was heard in the tent and Jack soon followed, spilling onto the bedroll and shuddering all over. He collapsed onto his front and Ennis fell on top of him, breathing deeply.

"Oh, darlin'," he breathed, tongue loose from his orgasm. Jack had found that Ennis talked with less reserve after having sex. Perhaps he was too worn out to care about what he was saying.

"Yeah," Jack agreed, smiling to himself. It had been good, but he would never stop wishing that Ennis could be secure enough to do this face to face more often. He loved Ennis and wanted to show him, and he hoped that the day would come when they could cast away their fear and live how their hearts wanted.

Ennis rolled off him and they got into the bedroll, shivering now. Jack looked at Ennis in the darkness, and shuffled over to keep warm. Ennis instinctively put an arm around him and closed his eyes; at least here he could show Jack some affection. Even if this was all they could ever have, he was happy. They would just have to make the best of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_October 1967_

It was the last full day of their second fishing trip, and Jack's birthday would be in just a few days. He didn't like having to spend it away from Ennis, but he'd promised Lureen that he would be back in time. All he wanted was to spend the day with Ennis, but he couldn't.

He woke up alone, but could smell something good cooking; Ennis was making breakfast. "Ennis?"

"Out here, bud," he replied. Things had been better this time. Jack had learned not to argue the point about living together; all it did was create arguments between them and he would rather spend his time doing other things with Ennis. It wasn't just sex; earlier in the week they had gone riding for a while. They enjoyed each other's company and found it easy to talk about anything apart from their feelings.

Jack pulled his clothes back on from where they had landed randomly last night and exited the tent, smiling when he saw what was going on. Ennis had made a large breakfast for both of them and a pot of coffee was warming up. "What's goin' on?"

Ennis looked up at him. "Well...nearly yer birthday, an' since we ain't spendin' it together...figured I could do this for ya." His deep brown eyes showed how shy he was right now, but Jack's heart melted at the sweet thought. Ennis could really surprise him sometimes, and he wished that they could spend more time together.

"Thank you," he replied, sitting down next to Ennis on the log and taking his hand. "I appreciate it." Ennis leaned over and they kissed, saying good morning in their own special way. "What are we doin' today?"

"Whatever you want, bud," Ennis responded as he went for the coffee pot, pouring it into the cups. Jack took his gratefully and looked thoughtfully at him.

"Know what? I feel like goin' for a walk," he said decisively, and Ennis looked at him. "Just you an' me, through the trees for a while. What d'you say?"

"Sounds good." Truth be told, Ennis wanted to do the same thing. He wanted them to hold hands as they walked, too. He kept trying to tell himself that he didn't have any kind of deep feelings for Jack, but he knew deep down that he did. He was in love and didn't know what to do about it, so his only response was to try and keep it inside himself. He couldn't afford to lose Jack, and he knew that he might if they lived together. It just couldn't happen, because society would never be ready for what they felt.

They ate their breakfast in a companiable silence, enjoying the crisp morning air and listening to the birds singing in the trees. It was a lovely area and Jack wanted them to stay here forever, like on Brokeback. It seemed so detached from the rest of the world, like nothing down there could ever matter up here, and he wished that this could be their life. Maybe one day, their luck would change and they would be able to be together properly.

Afterwards, they cleaned up and headed off through the trees, walking slowly and looking around at the amazing nature here. It reminded them of Brokeback, but they had silently agreed that they wouldn't be returning to the mountain itself. Apart from the possibility of the Forest Service being around, they wanted to keep that time preserved in their memories, leaving it untouched. It would feel unspoiled like nothing could damage it.

When they had been walking for a while, Jack moved a little closer and tentatively reached out with his hand, finding Ennis's and nudging it. As if on cue, Ennis's hand moved to curl around Jack's and he gave a gentle squeeze. Jack smiled and looked down, heart feeling light and very happy about doing this. He was actually holding Ennis's hand; something that he'd never thought might happen for them.

"This is good," he said softly, and Ennis nodded.

"Sure is. Wish we could spend yer birthday together, bud. Want you to know that."

"I know," Jack replied, smiling at him when Ennis met his eyes. He tried to hold in what he really wanted to say; that if they were together for real then they could spend birthdays and Christmas together. He wanted that more than anything, and he had a feeling that Ennis wanted it too, but they were stuck in this cycle. Ennis could be right; it was simply too dangerous for men like them to be together in the open, and it was too much to hope that nobody would care.

They sat down on a log together and took a break, still holding hands and looking around. It was so peaceful here and Jack felt like he could fall asleep on the grass. In Ennis's arms, of course. Jack loved it when Ennis held him close; he felt safe as if nothing could hurt him.

_Why don't we?_ he thought to himself, and turned to his lover. "Hey...you wanna lie in the grass for a while? Just...stare up at the sky or somethin'?" Ennis looked at him strangely for a moment, and then nodded.

"Okay." They got onto the ground and stretched out together, looking up at the vast sky and just enjoying each other's company. Ennis put an arm under Jack's neck and pulled him a little closer, which put a smile on his face. Jack closed his eyes and silently wished that this could be all the time, but he was happy to be here with the man he loved. He would be thinking of Ennis on his birthday and jerking off to thoughts and memories; it was all he could do with things the way they were.

They were silent as they lay there, but both of them were thinking the same thing; that up here, they could completely be who they truly were.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_February 1968_

It was just after Valentine's Day, and the two men were on another trip together. They had thought of each other on the day, wondering what they were doing and if one day they might be able to spend it out here, or even in a home of their own.

Ennis did want to live with Jack, and he knew deep down that it really could be a sweet life. But he was still scared by what he'd seen as a child, and was fearful that the same would happen to Jack if they got together and somebody found out. He tried to make this trip special to make up for it.

While Jack was zipping himself up after relieving himself, Ennis crept up behind him and slid his arms around Jack's waist, pulling him close. Jack looked down at the arms around him and smiled. "Hey, what's this?"

"Missed you the other day," Ennis whispered in his ear, shaking with nerves at opening up like this. "You know..." It was the closest he'd ever come to telling Jack that he loved him, and he wished that he could say the words.

Jack turned in his arms and put his own around Ennis's neck. "Missed you too. Tried to be happy with Lureen, but...kept thinkin' 'bout you. Couldn't help it." He planted a kiss on Ennis's lips and then moved in close, hugging him with his eyes closed. They swayed a little as they held on, glad to be back together after the cold winter months. This was what they looked forward to, even more than the sex.

After a while, Jack pulled his face away and nuzzled their noses together. "Well...maybe we can have our own celebration out here. What d'you say, cowboy?"

"Sounds good," Ennis replied, eyes roaming over Jack's face. He still couldn't believe that somebody this good-looking would be interested in him, and he figured he might never understand it. He would never see in himself what Jack was attracted to, but he was learning to accept that it was true. When they had sex, it was because they _wanted_ to.

They kissed again and Ennis's hands slid down to cup Jack's ass, and he felt Jack grin against his lips. "You up to somethin', Del Mar?" he mumbled. Ennis gave him a squeeze.

"Maybe..." He started steering Jack backwards towards the tent, feeling himself growing harder by the second. He wanted Jack right now, and when this happened neither of them could wait. "God...you drive me fuckin' crazy," he breathed, hands roaming. Jack kissed his neck.

"Come on..." They crawled into the tent and resumed their kissing, hands tugging at clothes until they were off, strewn about the tent. Jack let out a gasp and his hips bucked. "Ennis...come on..." They were soon naked and Ennis was leaning over Jack, settled between his legs. Fire was burning in both of them and they were painfully hard.

"You want it, rodeo?" he whispered, and Jack nodded.

"Fuck me," he breathed, and Ennis fumbled around for the lube. He found it and quickly smoothed it over himself, and then pushed Jack's legs up to his chest. He started working his way inside, biting his lip as he focused. Jack let out a low moan. "Oh, God..."

Ennis took Jack's hands and held them above his head, staring into his eyes. "You ready, bud?" Jack nodded again and Ennis started to move inside him, taking it slowly and savouring every second. Jack was always so warm and welcoming, and Ennis knew he would never tire of this. While he did love being with Jack and just sitting around with him, this was what he looked forward to the most. It allowed him to just forget everything that was expected of him and let go, and he felt safe to do so with Jack.

"God, you're good at this," Jack choked out as Ennis drove deeper, his eyes scrunching up. "So fuckin' good..."

"You...you feel good, darlin'," Ennis managed to reply, dropping his face to Jack's neck and breathing in his scent. Jack was very masculine, and Ennis could no longer deny that he was doing this with a man. While it scared him up on Brokeback, to the point where he had to take Jack from behind every time, it seemed less scary now. They were up here where nobody knew what they were doing, and he felt safe as long as it was just the two of them.

He lifted his face and kissed Jack once more, plunging his tongue deep inside Jack's mouth and feeling his lover moan in response. He moved faster, pushing his hips forward until Jack started shaking; a sure sign he was very close. The orgasms they had while together were unlike anything else they'd ever experienced, and they wanted each one to last forever.

When they were done and had collapsed together, Jack kissed the side of Ennis's face and stroked his hair. He loved showing affection to Ennis and didn't care if it was a feminine thing. He loved this man and wanted to show him even if he couldn't tell him. Ennis meant so much more to him than just a fuck buddy, and he hoped that one day they could be together for real. He would keep on hoping for that, and not push Ennis into making a decision. Jack knew that if it was going to happen, he had to step back and let Ennis decide for himself.

"That was good," he said softly, running a hand down Ennis's back. Ennis nodded.

"Sure was. Hope it made up for...us not bein' together the other day." He held onto Jack a little tighter, the emotions inside him filling him up and scaring him slightly. "Thought 'bout you...an' missed you."

"I know, me too. But we're here now...that's all that matters." They fell silent within the tent, thinking about what they wanted and how on earth it could ever be theirs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_August 1968_

It was five years to the day when the snow came on Brokeback, and when Ennis and Jack woke up together in the tent their eyes immediately met. Both of them remembered what day it was and neither of them really knew what to say.

"Well..." Jack started, looking around the tent. "Best start on breakfast." He was about to move, but then felt a hand on his arm. He turned back to see Ennis looking at him intensely. "Ennis?"

"I just..." He paused and then shakily brought a hand to Jack's cheek; to the part where he'd once hit the man he loved. "You gotta know how sorry I am about..." He swallowed and looked away. Jack put his own hand over Ennis's and squeezed it.

"It's okay," he said softly, knowing how much Ennis struggled with talking about his feelings. Jack found it endearing and it didn't really matter to him; Ennis showed him how he felt when they were in here at night. "I forgave you for that a long time ago. Don't matter now."

Ennis nodded and pulled his hand away, wishing that he could forgive himself for hitting that face. He just hadn't been able to handle the fact that he was in love with another man, and he had lashed out without thinking.

When they met up on these trips, Ennis was always relieved every time he saw that Jack had turned up. He always feared that Jack might have changed his mind; that it was no longer enough. As a result, he tried to make each trip special and to avoid arguments with Jack; he didn't want to lose him.

Jack kissed him on the cheek and got dressed, then headed out to start the breakfast. Ennis lay back onto the bedroll, staring up at the tent roof. He loved being out here with Jack and tried to ignore his guilt every time they were intimate. Up on Brokeback, he'd tried to convince himself that they only had sex because there weren't any women around and they had needs as young men. He'd almost believed it until that day when the snow came, and he found himself physically sick at the thought of leaving Jack. He knew now how he felt, but he didn't know if they could ever have more than this.

His thoughts whirled around his head until he couldn't take it anymore, and he decided to venture out. After pulling on his clothes he left the tent and spied Jack poking at the fire and cooking the food. Jack was into some money now and always brought lots of good food and whiskey for them, and Ennis appreciated how he took care of everything. He was a little resentful that he couldn't contribute as much on his low wages, but they needed to eat and Jack didn't seem to mind.

"How's it comin', bud?" he asked, sitting down next to Jack. His companion nodded.

"We're gettin' there. Anyway, you sleep okay last night?" he asked, nudging Ennis gently.

"Yeah, pretty much." _'Specially after what we did, _he thought to himself, going red. For the first time since Brokeback, they had had a sixty-nine together and he'd seen stars afterwards for a good few minutes. He'd once struggled with giving oral sex, believing that he wasn't queer and it was not a manly thing to do. But once he'd done it for the first time, he'd found that he loved making Jack feel good like that. And when Jack did it to him, he knew he was in for a treat. "Slept real well after...that."

Jack grinned. "Good. Me too, you know. Was pretty good last night." Like Ennis, Jack tried to push his guilt to the back of his mind and just enjoy this. He didn't like cheating on Lureen and knew that she deserved a better husband than him, but he didn't know what else to do. He loved Ennis and couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him; a few months apart was unbearable as it was. To help with their guilt, they tried not to talk about their wives on these trips. They could talk about their kids; Jack had never begrudged Ennis staying for them. He did think that they could both be better fathers if they left and got together, and were happy, but he kept this to himself.

They ate breakfast together and then stretched out against the log, listening to the birds in the trees and feeling a cool breeze blowing around them. For Jack, who lived in a fairly large town, getting back to nature was like coming home. He would always long for this no matter where he was, and it was even better that he was sharing it with Ennis. If they did live together, he hoped it would be close to somewhere like this.

"Been five years since we left Brokeback," he mused, head resting against Ennis's shoulder. Ennis nodded, thinking of the teenager he'd been and how much he must have hurt Jack that day. He hoped that one day, he had the courage to say yes to Jack's sweet life; it would heal all their past hurts and help them to move forward.

"Yeah. Missed you durin' them four years, bud. Wondered where you was, if you were okay. Wonderin' if you was rodeoin' like you said, or even if the army got you." He shuddered at the thought of Jack being in such a dangerous environment; he wouldn't be able to stop himself from worrying if it had happened and he'd known about it.

"Too busted up for the army," Jack commented, like he had last September. "Was a relief, really. Can't see myself doin' all that."

"Sure am glad you didn't," Ennis told him. "I like it when yer all in one piece..." He swallowed, hoping that he hadn't just said something dumb, but Jack merely moved closer to him and linked their fingers together on his lap. 


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5**_

_December 1968_

There were a few weeks left until Christmas, and the two men were enjoying the last trip of the year. It was cold up here, but throughout the week they had found ways of keeping warm. They barely left the tent until the middle of the day when it was slightly warmer, preferring to have their breakfast inside. Both of them loved curling up around each other at night and waking up together; not even the chilliest winter could douse the warm fires inside them when they were touching.

They'd done some hunting in the week and had managed to bag an elk, which Ennis had skinned and they were keeping in a sack hanging from high up, where any bears that might be around couldn't get to it.

At the moment, the pair of them were huddled up inside the tent one morning, shivering slightly and moving closer together.

"Jesus, it's cold," Jack groused, wincing when a gust of wind made its way inside. "Gonna freeze my balls off here."

"Sure hope not," Ennis replied without thinking, and then his cheeks reddened. "Um..."

Jack was grinning. "That so? You wantin' somethin' over there, Del Mar?" His voice dropped a notch in a seductive way, and he moved closer. "Whatcha want?"

"Um..." Ennis looked into his eyes; he knew what he wanted to do with Jack, and it wasn't something he did often. Jack just seemed better at it. But a part of him wanted to feel Jack in his mouth and he knew it drove Jack crazy. "I, uh..."

"What?" Jack whispered, leaning in and kissing his neck. "Tell me...just us here, cowboy."

Ennis nodded. "Um...I wanna...have you in...my mouth." He blushed again and took a deep breath. "If it's okay."

"Sure," Jack replied, running a hand along his arm. He then lay down on his back and gestured to Ennis. "Come on." Ennis followed and leaned over him, biting his lip nervously.

He straddled Jack and they kissed, their tongues finding each other immediately. Jack sensed that Ennis wanted to do this, but was still very nervous about making it good for him. He found it very endearing and just wanted to help Ennis through it.

As they kissed, Jack slid his hands down and undid his rodeo buckle, and pushed his jeans down. Ennis copied him and they pushed their jeans down to their knees. This was how they usually did it this way; one of them would give oral and jerk themselves off at the same time.

When he felt more confident, Ennis let go of Jack's lips and kissed his neck, slowly travelling down and nuzzling in the dark chest hair. He'd always loved Jack's body ever since that second night; he would never forget them exploring each other for the first time.

"Oh, God," Jack breathed when Ennis reached his lower stomach. "You're so fuckin' good at this..." Ennis was rubbing his hands over Jack's hips and stomach as he lavished attention on him, sending Jack into pure bliss.

Ennis reached Jack's groin and saw for himself how excited Jack was. He was rock hard and leaking, and Ennis couldn't help but lick up the bead of come at the end. Jack bucked his hips. "Oh God!" He started breathing heavily as Ennis wrapped his lips around him, sucking gently.

Jack tried to remain still so that he wouldn't choke Ennis, but it wasn't easy when Ennis was making him feel so good. The man was just so talented at giving him oral, and he wondered why Ennis always thought that he wasn't. He knew that Ennis didn't have much confidence, especially about sex, so he tried to let Ennis know how much he was enjoying it; he would do anything to make Ennis feel good about himself.

Ennis soon felt Jack coming into his mouth, accompanied by a groan, and he jerked himself off quicker until he spilled onto the bedroll. Jack had collapsed back once he was done, and he was panting as their brains caught up to them. "Damn, cowboy. Think you drained me good just now."

"Hmm," Ennis replied, crawling up and falling down next to Jack, eyes closed. "Was pretty good...you okay?"

"I'm just fine," Jack reassured him, turning and kissing his cheek. "You know I'm always good after we do somethin'. I always enjoy doin' stuff with you, bud."

Ennis smiled at him, pleased that he was doing something right where Jack was concerned. "Me too, darlin'." His hand found Jack's and he squeezed his fingers. He knew that Jack liked it when they held hands, for some reason. It did feel very intimate when they did this, and it showed that what they had was more than sex. "Um...gonna miss you over Christmas. The girls are gonna be happy an'...I'm gonna try an' be the same. But I'm still gonna miss you somethin' awful."

Jack sighed. "Me too. Let's just...concentrate on givin' our kids a good Christmas, you know? Keep ourselves focused on that, so it won't be so bad." He kissed Ennis's hand. "I'll miss you too, bud. We still on for March?"

"Yeah, sure. Should be able to get away, I reckon." He smiled. "It'll be warmer...we won't hafta spend all our time in here."

"I dunno. I like bein' in here with you," Jack replied with a grin. "Sure is fun."

"Well...I like seein' the outside once in a while," Ennis told him, smirking. "Anyway...you hungry? Could make somethin'."

"Sure, I'll give you a hand." They pulled their jeans up and Jack re-buttoned his shirt before leaving the tent. It was very cold outside, but they stayed together as they cooked and soon they didn't notice the temperature. They were happy while together, and they didn't let a little thing like bad weather dampen their spirits.

As they waited for the food, they distracted themselves by making out on the log for a while, taking no notice of the cold; they were just interested in each other.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_March 1969_

The weather was warmer by now as spring was well underway. Both men had somehow managed to make it through Christmas without each other, and they had been looking forward to this trip for the past few months.

Ennis had been the first to arrive, as usual, and he was setting up the tent when he heard Jack's truck arriving. He smiled to himself and could just see Jack's face in his mind; it was the image he always kept with himself when they were apart.

The tires stopped and he heard someone getting out of the truck, the door shutting. "Ennis!"

He turned to see the face that he would never tire of seeing. After months apart, Jack was here and grinning at him in the way he did. "Hey, bud." They went straight for each other, taking the distance in long strides until their bodies finally collided.

They melted into each other's arms and felt life pouring back into them, like they were finally receiving air after being underwater. They needed this more than anything, and were happy to be back together.

After several long moments, Jack pulled his face away and smiled. "I missed you..."

"God...me too..." Both leaned in and their lips met, moulding together and exploring each other's mouths. They did this every time they separated and reunited; to remember each other and what they felt like. In their hearts, they both knew that they would never get enough of this.

Jack pulled his mouth away and sighed. "Now we've done that, we can unpack." They could joke about it, but the truth was that they always did this first before anything else. Both of them just felt the need to connect right away.

"Right." Ennis reluctantly let go of Jack and turned back to the tent, wanting it to be right when they went in there later. He got a shiver down his spine at the thought. "What food did you bring?"

"Same stuff as usual, campin' food," Jack called over his shoulder as he walked back to the truck for the cooler, "Got some whiskey too."

Ennis remembered the first time they'd gotten drunk together up on Brokeback, and what it had led to. Maybe if he had enough of the stuff, he'd be brave enough to say yes to a sweet life together. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

He shook his head. No matter how much he might want to live with Jack, it was still so very dangerous. People could find out, and if anything happened to Jack because he'd been brave enough to say yes, Ennis knew he'd never forgive himself.

He heard Jack moving around the camp and finished with the tent, nodding to himself. It looked pretty good, and he guessed it didn't matter too much anyway; they would only care about being together. He wondered if they might try something else sometime, like a cabin maybe. They could have a real bed and a kitchen; it would be wonderful. He would have to suggest it sometime.

"What are you thinkin' about over here?" asked Jack, creeping up behind Ennis and wrapping his arms around him. He kissed Ennis's cheek and heard him give a contented sigh.

"Nothin'. Just...glad we're here." He turned in Jack's arms and they kissed again; it felt warm and familiar, and they felt as if they were home.

When they had sated their desire (at least until later), they walked over to the fire and Jack took out some sausages and bacon. "You want some?"

"Yeah, thanks," Ennis replied, looking forward to some food. He couldn't really contribute much in that way, given how little money he had, but he tried to help wherever he could. He knew that Jack enjoyed riding the horse he brought, and didn't have one of his own in Childress. So at least he could do something for Jack.

As the food cooked, Jack took Ennis's hand in his own, inspecting it closely. "Did you get caught on wire or somethin'? You've got marks..."

"Oh, yeah. Other week on the ranch. Couldn't find my gloves, so..."

Jack shook his head. "Shouldn't do ranch stuff without yer gloves. You'll hurt yourself, Ennis..." He turned his deep blue eyes to his lover's face. "Next time, make sure you keep 'em close by. Okay?"

Ennis was touched by his concern, and he knew that Jack cared about him. "Alright, bud. I can try." Jack gently ran his fingers over the sores, hating them because they had marked this body he loved so much.

"Do they hurt?" he asked softly, and Ennis shook his head.

"Not now...did at first."

"Hmm...I could kiss 'em better," Jack suggested, and Ennis smirked.

"Well...they might sting a bit, I reckon," he replied, playing along. Jack smiled widely and kissed his hand a few times, and then the other just for good measure. "Feels good..."

"Good." Jack held Ennis's hands in his and looked up into his face, feeling the love in his heart and wishing they could have more than this. If they'd been together on a ranch of their own, he would have made sure that Ennis had his gloves, and he would have kissed them better there and then if Ennis had hurt himself. But he didn't want to say that; the whole subject was very delicate for them and he hated to break the peace.

Soon enough, the food was ready and they were eating side by side, just enjoying each other's company after such a long time apart. As much as they loved having sex, they loved this aspect too. Both loved talking to each other, and even Ennis had something to say when he was with Jack. The man just brought it out in him, and Ennis was very glad for it.

Jack would never stop hoping that they would be together, but for now he was happy to meet Ennis out in the wild. They were safe here.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_September 1969_

Ennis's birthday was on Friday, but he'd already promised Alma that he would be back for it. As a result, he'd had to cut this trip with Jack a day short, which felt like a lifetime. He wanted to spend the day with his best friend and lover, and it ate into his heart that he couldn't.

He awoke on the morning of their last day to feel a pair of familiar lips wrapped around him down below, and he gave a dozy grin. Jack was clearly making the most of the time they had left out here. "Jesus, Jack."

The lips left him and Jack's head popped up under the sheets. "Hey, cowboy. Just...thought I'd give you an early birthday present. You like it?"

"Mmm, sure do..." Ennis agreed, and then he was overcome with desire. He knew what he wanted. "But, um...I, uh..."

"What?" Jack asked, pausing. He liked it when Ennis verbalised what he wanted to do; it was a sign that he was relaxed and that was always a good thing. "What d'you want, bud?" He gently rubbed Ennis's stomach, and Ennis swallowed.

"I...I wanna..." He bit his lip; Jack had never fucked him before. In the two years they'd been meeting up, he'd thought of it often. But he'd never had the guts to actually ask Jack to do it; he'd always been scared of the pain, not to mention the feeling that he would be less of a man if he did it. But he fucked Jack on a regular basis on these trips, and Jack never complained. Maybe there was something enjoyable about it after all.

Jack moved closer, slowly. He had a feeling what Ennis was asking for, and he was happy for them to do it, but he wanted Ennis to be sure. "Are you askin' me...to fuck you?" he said softly, and Ennis nodded mutely. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Ennis finally breathed out. "Yeah, Jack..."

"Okay," Jack replied, nodding. He had wanted to do this for a while, but had never asked because he hadn't been sure how Ennis might react. But if it was what Ennis wanted, then Jack would give it to him. He'd give him anything.

He straddled Ennis and kissed him, knowing he had to take this slowly. The last thing he wanted was to hurt or scare Ennis so badly that he rejected him. "Shh...just relax," he whispered, their noses touching. "It's alright...I ain't gonna hurt you..."

"I know," Ennis choked out, trying to steady his heartbeat. "Just...go slow, okay?"

"I will, don't worry." Jack kissed him again and grabbed the lube, smoothing it over himself and settling between Ennis's legs. "Just breathe, cowboy...gonna be good."

He put some lube on his fingers and slowly inserted one, knowing that he had to prepare Ennis for the feeling of penetration. Ennis's eyes widened as he felt Jack's finger and he let out a choked gasp. "Oh, fuck..."

"It's okay, Ennis...gotta do this. You gotta be ready for it..." Ennis nodded and tried to will himself to relax, instead focusing on how much he loved Jack even if he could never say it.

Jack inserted another finger into him and scissored them, stretching Ennis and trying to make things easier for him. Penetration hurt a lot the first time, and he had to help Ennis get past that to the pleasure that followed.

When he thought that Ennis was ready and he seemed calm, Jack removed his fingers and then started to push in, taking it very slowly and very glad that they had lube with them. As Jack started to enter him, Ennis started breathing shakily as he tried not to yell with pain. It hurt a lot but he knew he wanted this; he wanted to feel Jack inside him. "Oh...God..."

"It's alright," Jack murmured to him as he pushed fully inside. Now in position, he lifted Ennis's legs and wrapped them around his waist, then leaned down. "Tell me when yer ready, cowboy..."

"Okay," Ennis replied, looking up at him and seeing that Jack was enjoying this already. The pain was fading and all he could feel was a little pressure from Jack being inside him; nothing to worry about, he figured. "I'm...I'm ready..."

Jack nodded and started to move, slowly pulling out a little and then back in again. He took his lover in long, smooth thrusts that allowed them to savour every moment and focus on what they were feeling. Jack couldn't deny how wonderful this was and he so wanted to tell Ennis that he loved him.

Instead, he captured Ennis's lips with his own as he moved faster, thrusting steadily until he felt Ennis reach out to him; Ennis was responding. He loved it when they held each other during sex; it became so much more when they did this. "Oh God, Ennis...you...you feel good..."

"You too," he managed to choke out, feeling as if his head was about to split open. "Uh..."

Jack increased the pace and he heard Ennis give a low moan from the back of his throat, and he knew he was on the right track. He started kissing Ennis's neck and then felt his lover shooting between them in thick, hot spurts that showed Jack how much Ennis had enjoyed this. He gave a few more thrusts and was there himself, coming inside his lover like he'd always wanted to.

Ennis collapsed to the bedroll and lay there with Jack on top of him, both gasping for breath. That had been one of the best times they'd ever had, and neither would forget it. "Damn," Jack breathed, pulling out and then falling back down onto Ennis's chest.

"Yeah," the other cowboy replied, wrapping his arms around Jack and sighing contentedly. He was starting to wonder why he'd been so afraid to do this; he'd never felt like this in his life.

The only trouble was...times like these made it even harder for them to say goodbye.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_January 1970_

Ennis and Jack met up in the week following New Year's. Once again, they had somehow managed to get through the holidays without each other, but it hadn't gotten any easier. Both tried to focus on their kids and making it special for them, and it worked until night fell and they were the only ones awake. When that occurred, they would stare out of a window and think of each other, wondering how the other was.

When they met up at the Big Horns earlier that day, they had been very glad to see each other. Jack was certain that they were meant to be together, but he just didn't know how to broach the subject without causing an argument. The last thing he wanted was to fight with Ennis; it was a waste of precious time.

He came back to camp after relieving himself and found Ennis relaxing on the ground, staring up at the sky and lost in thought. Jack smiled to himself and decided to join him. He lay down next to Ennis and they exchanged a smile. "What're you thinkin' on over here?" Jack asked. Ennis shrugged.

"Nothin' much. Just...rememberin' what you used to say about the sky. How it's so big...an' someone far away can look up right now an' see what we're seein'. Amazin', huh?"

"Sure is," Jack replied, nodding as he lifted his eyes to the sky. "Ennis...can I ask you somethin'?" At Ennis's nod, he continued hesitantly. "D'you...d'you believe in heaven an' hell?"

Ennis was silent for a moment. "Dunno. Growin' up, I was taught that there was, an' that sinnin' sent you to hell. Church in Riverton says so too. I dunno, really. Ain't seen nothin' to prove it, or to not prove it."

"Right...I reckon there is. Wanna know why?" Jack asked him, and Ennis sensed that Jack was about to say something profound. His heart skipped a beat as Jack looked at him. "I wanna believe in heaven 'cos...at least then, we might be together when we die."

Ennis rolled onto his side, facing Jack and touching his cheek. "Darlin'...I'd do it if we could, but...we can't. Too dangerous."

"I know. An' I don't wanna start a fight, Ennis. I was just sayin'...even if it never happens down here, I'd like to think it could up there, where nobody could hurt us for it."

"If things was different...if people wouldn't wanna kill us for it...I'd do it. But...it can't happen, Jack." Ennis looked at him sadly. "Sure am sorry."

"It's okay," Jack replied softly, covering Ennis's hand with his own. "Don't worry 'bout it." He rolled onto his side too and leaned in, drawing their lips together. As they kissed, they tried to tell each other without words how they felt, and their wish that they could be together for real. Both of them knew it could be a sweet life, but Jack begrudgingly admitted that Ennis had a point about the danger.

Ennis rolled on top of Jack as they made out, his hands travelling down to the rodeo buckle. He undid it and started tugging Jack's jeans down. Jack did the same to him until their groins were exposed; it was too cold to fully undress out here.

"Fuck me," Jack breathed against Ennis's lips, and he was deftly flipped over. He rose onto his knees as he heard Ennis fumbling for the lube, and he shook in anticipation. This was what he needed more than anything else right now, and he was very glad that Ennis was more than willing to participate.

Ennis pushed into him and he groaned, head hanging low. "Oh, fuck..."

"This okay?" Ennis gasped behind him, Jack's hot tightness taking him in. This feeling was unlike any other in the world, and he wished he could have more time with Jack. But his fear of losing this man was too great, and he was unwilling to put Jack at risk. This was the only way they could be safe.

"Yeah," Jack replied, and they started moving together quickly. Neither would last long, but that was okay. They had several more days before having to separate again. "God, Ennis...so fuckin' good at this..."

"You...you feel good," Ennis told him, wrapping an arm around Jack's stomach and pulling him close. Jack's fingers laced through his and he gritted his teeth, wave after wave of pleasure washing over him as they fucked. Their knees would be sore after this, but it was well worth it. Jack would and could endure anything if it meant they could do this together. "Oh God, darlin'..."

"Ennis...touch me...please!" Jack ground out, and Ennis's hand slid down to take hold of him. He gave a few strokes as he continued to thrust, and Jack shot right across the camp with a groan. Ennis followed suit soon after, coming hard inside his lover and growling into his ear as his orgasm ripped through him.

They collapsed together in a heap, panting hard as their senses caught up to them. Jack could barely think straight right now, but he was very happy with Ennis's warm weight on top of him. His lover was still inside him, and Jack wished he could stay there forever. He knew it could be incredible if they lived together; they could make love every night and maybe during the day too if the mood struck them. They could go to sleep together every night and wake up together every morning. He wished that people wouldn't hate them for loving each other; if that obstacle wasn't there, then maybe they would have a chance. It certainly wasn't love tying them to their wives. And they could still be in touch with their children if they were together.

But this was the reality, and he didn't know how to change it. This was beyond their control, and all he could do was hope that one day soon, a love like theirs would be accepted. He really couldn't do much else but try to wait it out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_July, 1970_

It was the middle of summer, and the two men were enjoying the warm weather that it brought. Now that their lives had settled down after the holidays, they were eager to make the most of the summer. It reminded them of Brokeback, when they had been together every day during times like this.

Jack led the way up the hill with a grin on his face. "Come on, cowboy! Gonna be fun." Ennis was behind him, wondering why he'd agreed to this. Jack wanted to jump off the cliff into the river, naked, and he'd gone along with the idea. They may be nearing thirty, but Jack was showing no signs of slowing down. But that was what Ennis loved about him.

"Right behind you, bud," he called back as they neared the top. Once up there, Ennis became distracted by Jack starting to remove his clothes. "Um..."

Jack grinned further. "You gonna join me, or you just gonna stare?" Ennis shook his head and started stripping off, wishing that they could do more than just these trips. He wanted it so much, and it was all he could do to reassure Jack that he would do it if things were different. He hoped that Jack didn't think he didn't want to.

"Come on then," he replied, taking a few steps back. Jack stood next to him and they linked hands, bracing themselves for the exhilaration. "On the count of three..."

"One...two...three!" They started running for the edge hand in hand, and before they knew it they were flying through the air, down until they hit the water. Their hands lost their grip and even in their carefree state, they still felt like they'd lost something important.

Jack's head popped up from the water and he shook his hair out of his eyes. Ennis came up near him, expelling water from his mouth. Jack grinned at him. "Always did like doin' that with you," he told Ennis, swimming over to him. He put his arms around Ennis's neck and they floated there together, just enjoying the strange feeling of being in water. As men who lived on the land down below, this was the only chance they got to really enjoy nature and appreciate its beauty. But Ennis felt like all the beauty around him couldn't possibly compare to what he had in his arms.

He held Jack close to him, breathing in his scent and just sending up a prayer of thanks that they had found some way of being together, even if it wasn't often. After everything they'd been through, he didn't think that he would be able to live without seeing Jack at all. At least they were getting some time together.

He pulled his face away and looked into Jack's eyes, seeing the happiness shining in them. It humbled him to know that he was the one receiving that smile, and it made him feel like he was worth something after all. Jack always made him feel like that.

"This was fun," he said quietly, stroking Jack's face gently. There were times when he couldn't help but touch Jack, especially his face. It made this thing between them less about sex and more about tenderness and intimacy. It also made it about love, but he didn't know if he could ever admit that out loud. He so wanted to tell Jack that he loved him, but the words just didn't make it past his throat.

"Sure was," Jack replied, oblivious to Ennis's internal battle to say three little words. "I love bein' out here with you." It was the closest he'd ever come to telling Ennis the same three words, and he figured it was a start. "Hey...you remember back on Brokeback, when we jumped off that bridge into the river, an' we did it in the water?"

Ennis smirked. "Sure I do. You sayin' you wanna?"

"Well..." Jack nibbled at Ennis's earlobe. "Sounds like fun..."

"You'd hafta take it dry," Ennis warned him, knowing it would hurt that way. "Ain't got the lube here."

"It's okay," Jack reassured him. "The water might help..." Ennis nodded and hitched Jack's legs up, where they wrapped around his waist. Now Jack was clinging to him and gazing into his eyes. Ennis guided himself through and found his way in, pushing into Jack slowly while feeling the water swirling around them. It was an unusual feeling, but every bit as wonderful as when they did it on land.

When they were ready, Ennis started thrusting as best he could in this position, and the look on Jack's face told him that he was doing the right thing. They moved together slowly, hands roaming and lips meeting. Jack was running his tongue all around Ennis's mouth, exploring it like he wanted to count his lover's teeth. Ennis gave back as good as he got, and he wondered what it might be like if their tongues caught twisted together. He didn't really want to choke, and he didn't want that for Jack either, but he had to wonder.

"Mmm," he moaned, sliding his hands down to Jack's ass and taking hold of it as he thrust. Jack sighed into his mouth and could feel himself rubbing against Ennis's stomach with the buoyancy of their movement. "Oh God, darlin'..."

He let out a groan and shot into Jack hard, making him buck his hips. He came between them and it washed away in the river. They stayed where they were, sighing and gently caressing each other in the way they did after sex. They both felt like they were in a vicious cycle; they made love because they missed each other when they were apart, but after a week of it, they missed each other even more. There was nothing they could do but just go along with it, because they needed this more than anything else. They were in love, and even if they could never say it, they could show it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_November 1970_

It was freezing up in the mountains, but Ennis and Jack hadn't been deterred. They loved going hunting during this time, as it reminded them of the elk up on Brokeback that Ennis had shot. At the time, he'd convinced himself that he'd only done it to keep Jack from bitching about the beans, but now he wasn't so sure. He had admitted to himself that he'd done it because he'd wanted to make Jack happy, even then.

One cold morning, the pair of them were wrapped around each other in the tent, still entwined from the night before. Ennis loved it when they did this; Jack felt so warm and familiar, and he wished that they could do this in a home of their own. But it was a perfect dream that he knew could never come true, and it ate into his heart that they couldn't have what they wanted, just because they were both men.

He opened his eyes and saw Jack's sleeping face just inches away. He looked peaceful and carefree, and Ennis couldn't help but smile. He loved watching Jack undetected, as it gave him the opportunity to really appreciate Jack without being taken over by lust. A lot of the time, things would start out slow and they looked at each other, but their desire for one another just took over and things ended rather quickly. At least now, he could take his time and just look at the man; he sure was a sight for sore eyes.

"You just gonna look at me all mornin', cowboy?" Jack murmured, and Ennis started. He blushed as Jack's eyes opened, embarrassed about being caught in the act. He didn't often just let go like that; he always had some kind of guard up even when Jack was awake. The only time it seemed to disappear was when they were doing something intimate. He knew that Jack would never judge him for anything.

"Um..."

Jack smiled softly. "It's okay. Look all you want, Ennis...just you an' me here. An' I'm just gonna look at you too. Ain't no-one here to bother us."

Ennis nodded and leaned back down, eyes boring into Jack's. They were silent as their hands found each other, squeezing and gently caressing as they looked over each other. This wasn't something they did often, for they usually tried to squeeze in as much sex as possible when they were on these trips, but Ennis liked taking this time for them to just look.

"Wish we could stay here all day," he murmured, and Jack nodded.

"I know. Wish we didn't have to leave at all..." He spoke without thinking, and Ennis took his hand away.

"Jack...we've been over this..." Jack took his hand again and squeezed it.

"I know, I know...sorry. Didn't mean to bring that up." Ennis relaxed and Jack stroked his hand with his thumb. "Just hate havin' to say goodbye, after everythin' we do up here. Makes me miss you somethin' awful, Ennis."

"Me too...but we can't. You know we can't...too dangerous," Ennis protested, wishing it wasn't the case. If there was no danger and he could still have contact with his girls, he would happily leave Alma and be with Jack. He didn't hate her, and didn't want to be malicious, but he figured she was better off without him. He didn't like having to turn her away because he would rather be with Jack.

"It's okay," Jack whispered, and then he leaned over. Their lips met softly, and Ennis tried desperately without words to tell Jack how he wished things were different, and that he wanted a life together more than anything. He constantly worried that Jack thought he didn't want it, and he wanted to reassure Jack that he did.

They kissed lazily for several long moments, occasionally squeezing hands and sighing into each other's mouths. This was like heaven to them, and Ennis sent up a prayer of thanks that Jack was back in his life. He didn't like to think where he might be if Jack hadn't sent that postcard. He knew he wouldn't have had the guts to go after Jack while married. Like their first and second nights together, Jack had taken the lead and shown him what he had to do. He was very grateful that Jack kept coming back.

"Jack," he said suddenly, breaking away from his lover. "Wanna tell you somethin'."

"What?" Jack asked him, wondering what was going on. He didn't think he was about to hear a certain trio of words, but the look on Ennis's face was quite intense.

"I...I just wanna tell you...I'm real glad you keep comin' back to meet me, even though I keep sayin' no to livin' together. Means a lot that you...ain't gotten mad at me an' said you can't take it no more."

Jack sighed and rubbed his arm. "Ennis...don't worry about it. I know you'd say yes if things were different, an' that's okay. An' you never know...things could still change. We might get that sweet life one day. I promise...there's never gonna be a time when I tell you that I don't wanna meet up no more. I'm always gonna wanna see you. Okay?"

"Yeah," Ennis replied, relief flooding through him. "Thanks, bud."

They kissed again and Jack shuffled over, into Ennis's arms where he was wrapped up securely. "Don't wanna be nowhere else right now. Just wanna be here...with you." He slid an arm around Ennis's waist and held him back, feeling safe and warm. He knew in his heart that Ennis loved him, even if the man couldn't say it; his actions were more than enough to confirm it for him. Ennis did love him and that was what Jack held on to when he got frustrated at being alone so much. He knew that Ennis would say yes if things weren't like this, and even though it was a small consolation, it was all he had.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_March 1971_

Ennis and Jack were riding through a copse of trees, just going slowly and talking about various things. They were in the middle of their current trip and perfectly happy in each other's company. Ennis especially liked how much of a talker Jack was; he didn't have to contribute too much when Jack was around, just happy to listen.

He did like talking to Jack, though; the way they just sensed what each other were thinking, and how they came to an agreement on most things. It just felt good to be out here, with nobody to bother them. For a week every few months, they could just be themselves and leave behind what society expected of them.

After a while, they dismounted and gave the horses a break, sitting down on a log and stretching. "Nice day," Jack commented, and Ennis nodded.

"Sure is." His arm migrated to Jack's shoulders of its own accord, making the other man smile to himself. He loved it when Ennis showed him affection; it proved that Ennis was feeling everything that he was when they were together. "The girls love weather like this..." he said absent-mindedly, and Jack looked at him. They sometimes talked about their kids on these trips, but not often. Both of them tried to keep these two lives separate.

"Yeah?" he asked softly, and Ennis cleared his throat.

"Yeah...I remember takin' 'em to the park when they was little. Just after we moved to Riverton an' there ain't much space out front."

"I remember the stairwell..." Jack replied, grinning as he thought of their reunion. Ennis smirked and looked down.

"Well...yeah. Can't help but look over there every time I'm near it. Leavin' for work in the mornin' or comin' back at night...I look at it an' remember..." He then looked at Jack. "Miss you somethin' awful durin' them times."

Jack pressed closer to him and rested his head on Ennis's shoulder. "Miss you too. Bobby's started readin' now...an' he's got this book about cowboys. Swear to God, the cowboy in the pictures looks just like you. Blonde hair, that hat...even that shirt you wore on Brokeback."

"That white one? Yeah...musta lost it up there, 'cos I never found it." Jack's heart skipped a beat; he knew exactly where it was, but didn't want to tell Ennis. He wasn't sure how Ennis might react; he didn't think that Ennis would hit him, but it might cause other problems for them. The subject of them being together on a more permanent basis was very delicate, and Jack had silently promised not to bring it up again. It would cause a fight and they would end up unhappy, which would in turn ruin their trips.

"Oh..." Jack thought for a moment, and then his hand found Ennis's. "Well..."

"Yeah." They sat there in silence, uncomfortable on Jack's part. He wasn't sure if he should tell Ennis about the shirts; they were, after all, monuments to hope and not reality. If Ennis was so sure that living together could never happen, he probably wouldn't see the point of Jack holding onto that hope. Ennis wasn't a malicious person, but Jack knew that the wrong words from the man he loved could destroy everything they had. He wanted to avoid getting to a point where he didn't want to see Ennis anymore.

"Ennis?" he said quietly, and Ennis looked down at him. Jack leaned up and pressed their lips together gently, needing to push aside his troubled thoughts and just concentrate on the here and now. Ennis kissed him back eagerly, winding their tongues together and sighing. He'd always loved kissing Jack, ever since that second night in the tent. Jack had taught him so much about kissing and tenderness and intimacy that night, and it had been the best night of his life. He would never forget that as long as he lived, and it would always be a treasured memory.

But now, his mind snapped to the present as Jack tugged at him, and they ended up on the ground with Jack rubbing his hips against Ennis's. He gave a low moan in response and went for the buckle, undoing it quickly and pulling Jack's jeans down. Jack did the same to him and then flipped around, taking Ennis into his mouth and guiding himself to Ennis's mouth.

They sucked feverishly at each other, unsure of where this had come from but neither complaining. Ennis slid his hand around Jack and pushed a finger inside him, eliciting another moan from his lover. The vibration made him tremble with need, and he doubled his efforts. After a few heated moments in which Jack was sure he could see stars, they brought each other to orgasm and then lay panting, staring up at the vast blue sky.

Eventually, their senses returned to them and they pulled their pants back up, and then turned to each other. Jack had a dozy grin on his face. "Damn, cowboy. Where'd that come from?"

"Dunno, bud," Ennis admitted. He loved that they could just drop to the ground like this whenever the mood struck them; there was nothing holding them back up here, and it was easy to forget that this was supposedly a sin. It was as though this was too high up to adhere to society and what the Church taught. Nobody but himself and Jack knew about this, and they could keep the secret safe as long as this was all they had. As much as he wanted to live with this man, he knew it wouldn't be wise. Someone would be bound to figure them out, and that would be the end of it. He hated knowing that, but there was nothing he could do.

Jack crawled over to him and gave him another kiss. "Mmm...that was fun. We oughta do that again sometime."

"Sounds good to me," Ennis told him, wrapping his arm around Jack again and holding him close, protecting him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_May 1971_

It had been eight years to the day since they'd met in Signal, and the two men were wrapped around each other in the tent that morning, kissing heavily. They were running their hands over each other's skin and muscles, touching and feeling what they loved best. Both of them loved it when they could meet up during the summer; it reminded them of Brokeback and that glorious time when they were young and carefree.

Jack pulled his lips away and rested his forehead against Ennis's, trying to compose himself. He often didn't remember to breathe when they were being intimate. "Damn, cowboy...you're drivin' me crazy..."

"Thought you already was," Ennis replied with a grin, and Jack smacked his ass.

"Asshole...gonna get you for that." He had a gleam in his eye and leaned in to attack his lover's neck, knowing that it drove Ennis crazy. Sure enough, Ennis's eyes slid shut in pleasure and he couldn't think properly. Jack just knew which buttons to press and he made full use of that knowledge.

"Jack...you know what that does to me..." he breathed, and Jack's hand travelled down his chest, finding the sensitive spots on his lower stomach. Ennis bucked his hips and Jack grinned against his lips.

"Sure do, cowboy," he murmured, moving his hand lower and starting to stroke Ennis. "Love doin' this..."

"Mmm..." Ennis rested his head against Jack's as he let the other man lavish attention on him. "Jack...?" he started, knowing in his heart and body what he wanted right then.

"Yeah?"

"Can we, um...you know..."

"What?" Jack asked, pulling back and looking into his eyes. Ennis bit his lip, unsure of himself.

"I wanna...I..." Jack leaned in close, brushing their noses together. He knew that Ennis struggled with talking about anything sexual, but he was slowly getting better at it with time.

"It's okay...tell me what you want. Nobody here but us..."

Ennis nodded. "Wanna...wanna have you in...my mouth," he managed, trembling slightly. Vocalising his sexual desires had never been easy, even though it was Jack. He just wasn't the type to talk about things like that. He'd never learnt things like that and he lived in a conservative society.

Jack smiled at him. "Sure. I'm...all yours, cowboy." He pulled himself away and lay back down, a calming look on his face. He knew that he could calm Ennis enough to give him confidence. "When yer ready, Ennis..."

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Ennis moved over Jack, straddling him and seeking his lips. After a few sweet kisses that gave him reassurance, Ennis started moving down Jack's body. He wasn't very confident at doing this, but Jack always seemed to enjoy it and the noises he made were enough to tell Ennis that he was doing something right. Ennis loved knowing that he was making Jack feel good; he felt like he was worth something.

When he reached Jack's swelling erection, he tentatively lowered his head and poked his tongue out, licking at the single bead there. Jack let out a low moan. "Oh, God..."

Feeling more confident, he glanced up at Jack who had his eyes closed, and lowered his head further to take Jack in his mouth, closing his own eyes as he found his rhythm. Remembering everything that Jack had taught him about oral sex, he ensured his teeth were covered as he moved his head up and down, like he was sucking at a straw.

Jack was gripping the sheets on either side of him, sweat forming on his forehead as Ennis brought him closer to orgasm. He'd always loved it when Ennis went down on him, because it didn't happen often. He knew why, of course; Ennis had always insisted that he wasn't queer, and this wasn't something that a man like Ennis would do. But here he was, with his head between Jack's outstretched legs and sucking hard at him. Jack knew he was very lucky to have a lover like this.

"Ennis...yer real good at this, cowboy," he breathed, and he felt a hand caressing his stomach. Ennis's other hand was on himself, stroking in time and hoping to come at the same time as Jack. When that occurred, it really felt like they were sharing the moment; reaching dizzy heights at the same time and knowing that it was each other doing that.

After several moments, Ennis finally finished Jack off, and tried not to choke as Jack's come hit the back of his throat. He swallowed it all down as he heard Jack gasping, and felt himself spilling onto the sheets. He let go of Jack and crawled back up, collapsing onto the bedroll beside the other man. They stared up at the roof of the tent, breathing heavily as their senses caught back up to them. Jack grinned and turned onto his side, running a hand over Ennis's sweaty chest. He leaned over and lapped it up, making Ennis squirm.

"Jack...come on, don't get me riled up again. Ain't teenagers no more." Jack pulled away and smiled at him.

"Sorry, cowboy. Can't help it when I'm near ya. Just wanna...do everythin' all at once. You drive me crazy..." He nuzzled into Ennis's neck and pressed a kiss there.

"Mmm..." Ennis kissed him firmly, capturing his lips and finding his tongue. They kissed a few times and then Jack pulled away again.

"Hang on, cowboy...gotta go piss." He sat up and pulled his jeans on, exiting the tent and leaving Ennis alone to think. He didn't like being alone; it made him think about things too much and that was not his comfort zone. When he and Jack were doing something, it allowed him to switch off and just focus on the man he loved. He hoped that Jack would be back soon.

Sure enough, Jack returned with a smile on his face. He kicked off his jeans and went into Ennis's arms, kissing him and ready for another round.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

_October 1971_

It was the week before Jack's birthday, and he and Ennis were sleeping in the tent one night. Ennis was spooning up behind Jack, one arm wrapped around his stomach tightly. He liked holding Jack as they slept; this warm body was like a security blanket to him and gave him reassurance. Ennis felt as if everything would be alright as long as he had Jack in his arms.

Ennis's eyes opened slowly as he woke, wondering why he was now awake. There had been no sound and Jack hadn't moved; it was still clearly the middle of the night. He dismissed it and instead focused on the figure before him. They were both naked from their earlier tumble in the tent, which had been full of love and laughter; just the way he liked it.

For a while, he just watched Jack sleeping, seeing his body move slightly as he breathed. Ennis had never thought that he would meet someone who he would think of as perfect, yet he had. Maybe Jack did have some flaws, but they seemed small and insignificant. He loved the man anyway.

_Wish you could hear me, bud, _Ennis thought to himself, praying that Jack could hear his thoughts. _Wish you could hear me thinkin' about you, an' that...I love you. I wanna tell you so much, but it just don't happen. Can't seem to get the words out, an' it's killin' me 'cos I wanna tell you. Even if you already know, I still wanna see yer face when you hear them words. _He gently rubbed Jack's stomach, trying not to wake him. A lump grew in his throat as he thought about everything he wanted to say to Jack, and he squeezed his eyes shut against the pain. Jack deserved to hear that Ennis loved him and wanted to live with him, but Ennis just couldn't get the words out.

Unbeknownst to him, Jack was awake too. He sensed that Ennis was awake behind him but didn't move, thinking that it would spook Ennis into putting his walls back up. Jack knew that Ennis needed this time to think and feel, and he was willing to give him that. He felt Ennis rubbing his stomach and bit his lip, wondering if he should speak.

_God, Ennis...I love you. Sure wish you could talk to me about this stuff, 'cos I know how it eats at you. I know you don't find it easy to talk 'bout what yer feelin', but I also know how you feel. I know you love me, an' even if you can't say it...you show me every day we're together. It's okay that you can't say it; I love you anyway._

Jack stayed still for a while, wondering what Ennis was thinking and if he should say anything. What would happen if he told Ennis that he loved him? Even if Ennis could only nod in agreement or say a few mumbled words of reciprocation, wouldn't that be something? It would still confirm for him that Ennis felt the same way. Maybe he ought to do it.

Just as he was thinking over this, he heard a sniff behind him. Ennis wasn't the type of man to get too emotional, and Jack knew that it only happened when Ennis couldn't keep it down anymore. He gently covered Ennis's hand with his own, making the other man start.

"Hey...it's okay. What's wrong?" he asked softly, and Ennis shook his head. He'd been feeling very emotional, but didn't want Jack to see.

"I'm alright," he replied in a thick voice, but Jack was far from fooled. "Go back to sleep."

Jack slowly turned until he was facing Ennis; his cowboy was looking the opposite of alright. "No you ain't. What is it?"

"Just..." Ennis swallowed and looked down, avoiding Jack's eyes. "Just...thinkin'. About us an' this...wish it could be...more..."

Jack sighed; he knew that Ennis wanted to live with him and would do it if he wasn't so frightened. There was currently no way for it to happen, and he hated what it was doing to them. "I know, bud. Me too." He shuffled closer and pressed a calming hand to Ennis's cheek. "It's okay. Come here..."

He drew Ennis into his arms and held him there, guiding his lover's head to his shoulder and cradling him as if he was made of glass. Ennis meant so much to him and Jack could feel his pain. He wished he could take Ennis's bad memories of Earl away; maybe then they would have a chance and Ennis wouldn't be so damaged. He didn't like to see this man hurting. "Shh..."

Ennis held onto him, not even caring if it made him weak. He needed this from Jack right now, and couldn't help but just lose himself in these strong arms. They had often been there for him, especially on that second night on Brokeback. While he loved holding Jack and being there for him, he sometimes still needed to be held. Even if he did love Alma the way he was supposed to, she could never do this for him. Only Jack could make him feel safe and truly loved.

Eventually, Ennis dropped off again but Jack didn't move. He held onto Ennis the whole night, even when he himself went back to sleep. He just knew what was on Ennis's mind even if it couldn't be said; Ennis loved him and it was causing him pain that society wouldn't let them be together. Since Ennis usually kept his feelings bottled up, they were bound to spill over when he just couldn't hold them in anymore.

The next morning, neither spoke about what had happened in the night, but Ennis was very grateful to Jack for taking care of him. He thanked Jack in the best way possible and the rest of the trip passed as normal, but they both knew that they were a little bit closer than before. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

_January 1972_

Ennis exited the tent one morning to find that it had been snowing overnight. He blinked in the blinding light and peered around; the snow was untouched save for a few bird tracks here and there. Ennis smiled to himself; Jack would love this.

He got the coffee going and then went back into the tent, seeing that Jack was just waking up. He watched as Jack stretched and yawned, feeling his heart filling up with love at the sight. What he would give to see this every morning, in a bed that they shared together. He wanted it so much, and every time they had to part ways he found himself wishing that next time, he would have the courage to say yes.

Slowly, he leaned over Jack and shook his shoulder gently. "Bud? Come on, time to wake up..." Jack stirred and opened his eyes, smiling when he saw Ennis.

"Mornin'...time's it?"

"Early, I reckon," Ennis answered, touching Jack's cheek. "It's been snowin' out there..."

"Really?" Jack asked, eyes lighting up. He was in some ways still the playful nineteen year old from Brokeback, and Ennis loved seeing that in the light of how difficult their lives were now. "How thick?"

"There's a lot of it. I got the coffee goin'. You ready to get up?"

"Yeah, you bet." Jack sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and Ennis felt a surge of affection for him. He left the tent once more and tended to the coffee, glad for the hot drink in this weather.

Soon after, Jack left the tent and gazed around. "Wow...this is great. Always loved the snow...don't ever really get much down in Texas. Can't remember the last time it snowed..."

"Here," Ennis told him as he sat down, handing over a mug of coffee. "Don't want ya gettin' cold, bud." Jack looked at him gratefully and started drinking, his eyes darting everywhere. Ennis could tell that he wanted to have some fun with this.

They attempted to eat breakfast before it went cold, and soon they were left with nothing but to enjoy their day together. Ennis was putting the dishes in a bag (thinking that he would have to wait to wash them, since the river was frozen over) when he felt something cold and wet hit him. He looked around to see Jack grinning, snow covering his gloves. Ennis gave a mock glare.

"Yer gonna pay for that, Twist," he growled, bending down to make his own snowball. Jack ran and he gave chase, his longer legs giving him an advantage. "Get back here!"

He threw the snowball at Jack, who stumbled before darting through the trees and turning. Even in their fun, they had to remember not to go too far from camp. He was running through the trees and into the campsite again when Ennis finally caught him and hauled him to the ground, snowball in hand.

"No, don't!" Jack gasped through his laughter, trying to wriggle free. Ennis lifted back his collar and deposited the snow down his neck, making him yelp. "Dammit, Ennis!"

"Told you," he replied, allowing Jack to flip onto his back. Both were laughing, enjoying how carefree they could be out here. Ennis had missed this; their trips were usually so full of longing that they often forgot to have any fun. The sex was always good, but he liked it when they could just do this; just play together like the best friends they were.

Jack's laughter settled down as they stared at each other, noticing now that their crotches were pressed tightly together, and that Ennis was straddling him. He went from giddy to horny in a matter of seconds, and he bit his lip. Ennis stared down at him, taking in the flashing blue eyes and pink cheeks. Jack looked good enough to eat, and Ennis could feel himself growing hard.

Jack felt what was going on, and he grinned. "You wantin' somethin' there, Del Mar?" he breathed, rubbing their hips together. Ennis swallowed and was itching to push himself inside Jack. He wanted the man so badly. "If you wanna fuck me...all you gotta do is ask."

"Can I?" Ennis whispered, leaning down and brushing their noses together. Jack kissed him.

"You sure can."

They didn't make it to the tent; Jack flipped over onto his knees, pulling his pants down just far enough for them to still protect his skin from the cold snow, but still enough to give Ennis access. Ennis pulled down his own jeans and spat into his hand, knowing that the lube was still in the tent. "Oh, darlin'..." he breathed as they started to become one. "Jack..."

"Come on," Jack murmured to him, reaching back to pull Ennis closer. "Come on, fuck me..."

Ennis pushed all the way into him and let out a gasp; no matter how many times he'd done this, it still felt incredible every time. "Fuck, you feel good..."

They moved together quickly, not wanting to be bare-assed in the snow too long. Jack pushed back with every thrust that Ennis gave, groaning as Ennis held onto him. A hand found its way south to stroke him and he let out a moan. "Oh, fuck...Ennis...you're...amazin' at this..."

"Jack..." Ennis so wanted to tell Jack that he loved him, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, he tried to show Jack what he was feeling. He stroked Jack rapidly until he spasmed, shooting onto the ground beneath them. Ennis followed suit with a low growl in Jack's ear, and then rested his cheek on Jack's back.

They panted heavily for several moments, and Jack grinned. "Well...never done that before. Not in the snow..."

"Sure ain't," Ennis replied, kissing the back of his neck and pulling out. "Sure was good...you okay?" They pulled their jeans back up and Jack took his hand.

"I'm fine, cowboy. Feelin' pretty damn good." Ennis smiled at him and kissed his hand, not needing to say anything else.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

_July 1972_

It was the middle of summer now, and the two men were making the most of the warm weather. They were camping out near a river, which reminded them of the campsite on Brokeback. That had been near a river; Jack could remember washing his clothes the morning after their first night together, and how he had half-hoped that Ennis would see him naked there.

After they had lunch, the two of them went riding through the trees on the horses Ennis had brought with him; they were his pride and joy after his girls, and Jack knew that they meant a lot to him. He'd always loved it when Ennis brought the horses.

"Sure is a nice day," he commented, looking around as they passed a thicket. "Always reminds me of bein' on Brokeback..."

"Yeah," Ennis agreed, smiling at him. He held the reins in one hand and reached across with the other, touching Jack's. Their hands linked together as they rode, and they were completely at ease. Ennis liked holding Jack's hand; it didn't feel weak at all. It was just one of the ways in which he could show his affection. "You wanna stop for a while?"

"Sure." They dismounted the horses and let them wander, heading for a log. When Ennis had sat down, Jack took his place next to him and rested his head against Ennis's shoulder. Their hands linked again and they sat in silence for a few moments. Jack felt that this was where he was supposed to be; by Ennis's side no matter what. He wanted to live with Ennis so much, for he knew that it could be a very sweet life for both of them. He knew deep down that they could make each other happy.

Ennis was thinking the same thing. He often wondered what it might be like to live with Jack; to be with him all of the time on a ranch of their own. He wanted to see a smile forming on Jack's face when he told him yes to the sweet life. But every time he tried to say it, the words died in his throat and he was unable to get them out. All he could do was hope that Jack knew it anyway.

As they were both thinking, their eyes were drawn to several feet away. A buck and a doe had appeared from through the trees, walking together slowly. Jack had always loved how calm and serene they were; they actually reminded him of himself and Ennis when they were walking. "Look..."

Ennis nodded. "Yeah. Sure are a fine sight. My girls love seein' pictures of 'em." He took a deep breath. "Jack...I, um...I want you to know...means a lot that yer here with me. I like comin' out here an' meetin' you. Work ain't always easy, so...I like bein' able to just take some time away. An'...I like seein' you."

Jack smiled up at him. "Same to you. Feels good to get some time to ourselves." He hesitated, wondering if he should tell Ennis of his true feelings. _What's the worst thing that could happen?_

He opened his mouth, and saw the look of puzzlement of Ennis's face. "Jack?"

"I, um..." His nerve failed him and he shook his head. "Never mind." He looked away, leaving Ennis wondering what he'd been about to say. Had Jack been about to tell him...?

_No, it can't be, _he thought to himself, also looking away. _We know not to talk 'bout that...if that gets out, I won't be able to say goodbye to him again. An' then...he could get hurt. People would find out..._

"You okay?" he asked, holding Jack a little closer. Jack nodded.

"Yeah, fine. Come here..." Jack leaned up and kissed his cheek, and then Ennis turned to kiss his lips. They kissed for several moments, trying to convey without words how they felt. Ennis pulled Jack closer to him, by the hips. Jack gave a soft moan and pulled his lips away. "Damn, Ennis...you always get my blood up doin' that..."

Ennis smirked. "Serves you right fer not keepin' yer hands to yerself." He lowered his head to Jack's neck and started nibbling at it, wondering if he should give Jack a hickey. If he did it under Jack's collar, then nobody would see it.

"You brandin' me?" Jack asked in amusement, tilting his head to the side to give Ennis further access. He wrapped his arms around Ennis's neck and just enjoyed what his lover was doing to him. It wasn't often that Ennis lavished attention on him, so he made the most of it when it happened.

"Reckon so," Ennis replied, gently biting the skin. Jack smiled and closed his eyes.

"Fair enough." They sat there for a while until Ennis was done, and he admired his work. "You finished with that now?"

"Yep. Looks good." Ennis smiled at him and kissed him on the lips again. "You ready to keep ridin'?"

"Sure." They got up and retrieved the horses, and then continued down the trail. Jack could feel his skin tingling where Ennis had branded him, and he wished that he could show it to the world; it was a symbol of Ennis's love for him and he was damn proud of it.

As they continued to ride, Ennis found himself wishing once more that they could have a life together. But he was too scared of what might happen to Jack if the wrong people found out. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Jack permanently; the man meant too much to him. If keeping them apart for most of the year kept Jack safe, then it was just how things had to be.

Jack thought about his failed attempt to tell Ennis that he loved him, and he was starting to understand why Ennis found it so difficult. Things were so unsure between them and nothing was certain. They just had to take one trip at a time. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

_November 1972_

Jack kept glancing at Ennis as they skinned the elk he'd managed to bring down. Whenever they did this, it reminded him of the time on Brokeback when Ennis had shot an elk. For a long time, Jack had thought that Ennis only did it to shut him up about the beans, but now he had to wonder. Perhaps Ennis had done it for other reasons, even if he hadn't been aware of them yet.

"What?" Ennis asked when he caught Jack looking at him. Jack shook his head.

"Nothin'. Just rememberin' that elk on Brokeback that you shot. Remember, when I kept bitchin' about the food?"

"Yeah, I do," Ennis replied, smirking. "You wouldn't shut up, so..."

"Ennis?" Jack suddenly asked, needing to know if his thoughts were correct. "Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Sure."

"Well...why did you shoot that elk? Was it just 'cos I was complainin', or...?"

Ennis looked at him, and sighed in defeat. "No. Part of it was that, an' I tried to convince myself that it was the only reason. But...I did it 'cos I thought it would...make you happy. I know you only get like that when yer miserable, so...I just wanted to...see you smilin'." His cheeks reddened and he couldn't meet Jack's eyes; he would never find it easy to talk about his feelings. "That's why I ordered soup even though I don't eat it. Thought you'd be happy about it."

Jack put down his knife and scooted over to Ennis, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Ennis...I kinda figured that was it. Just wanted to hear you say it. An' I did appreciate it when there was more to eat than just beans. I'm sorry if you got tired of me complainin', but...I was nineteen an' used to my mama's good cookin'. Didn't react too well to bad food."

"It's okay, bud," Ennis told him, nudging him slightly. "Don't matter now." Jack kissed his cheek and they finished up with the meat, wrapping it up for later. When they were done and were washing their hands in the river, Jack was overcome with his desire to tell Ennis how he felt, and he thought that he would be able to do it this time. He needed to say that word to Ennis, even if the man couldn't say it back.

"Ennis?" he asked softly, turning towards him. Ennis looked at him, unaware of what Jack was planning. "I've gotta tell you somethin'."

"What?" Ennis asked, fearful that Jack couldn't meet up with him anymore, or that he was ill. Jack took a deep breath.

"Well...we've been gettin' together like this for five years now...an' we've known each other for nearly ten. Been a long time...but there's a lot we ain't said."

"Like...?" Ennis enquired, suddenly very nervous. He didn't like where this was going; if he allowed Jack to say that word, and they got together, he could lose Jack if someone found out.

"Well..." Jack looked into Ennis's eyes. "Ennis, I...you know how I feel 'bout you, right? I mean...in here?" He pointed to his heart and Ennis panicked, not wanting to head down that slippery slope.

"Jack, don't," he said, standing up abruptly. Jack followed him, feeling confused.

"What? Ennis, we gotta talk about this..."

"We can't," Ennis protested, turning away and wishing that he could allow this to happen. But he had too much to lose; he didn't want to see Jack get hurt. Jack swallowed down his disappointment.

"Why not?" he asked quietly. "Is it 'cos you've got a nice little life in Riverton an' you don't want people thinkin' that you ain't normal?"

Ennis let that go; he knew how Jack felt about that. He turned around. "That ain't it, Jack."

"Then what?" Jack asked, growing frustrated. "Tell me, then. Why won't you let me say it? You already know what I wanna say."

"Yeah, I do. But we can't do that. If I let you say them words..." He sighed. "I won't be able to leave you again after this trip. If we say that stuff...I can't say goodbye to you."

"Then we could get together," Jack told him, trying to make him see the good in this. But Ennis had made his mind up.

"If we do that...you could get hurt. The wrong people find out...it's over. I don't wanna see you get hurt 'cos of me. It'd be my fault, 'cos I woulda agreed to a life together. It can't happen, Jack...this is the only way to keep us safe."

"I don't believe that," Jack said defiantly, folding his arms. "I think we'd be safer if we was together...we could take care of each other. Yer always sayin' you don't want someone hurtin' me...that won't happen if we're together...'cos you could protect me. Ain't that better than us bein' apart so many months?"

Ennis so wanted to just say yes, and run away with Jack into a life of happiness. But it was just a dream, and he knew that the reality could be very different. He longed to tell Jack that he loved him, but he knew that once he did there was no turning back. He just couldn't let it happen, but not because he didn't want to. They had to stay safe.

Jack seemed to concede defeat, and he sat down on a log. Ennis sat beside him, knowing that he'd hurt Jack once more. Jack tried to ignore him, but Ennis pulled him close and kissed his cheek gently; his resolve melted and he closed his eyes, feeling drained.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, taking Ennis's hand and squeezing it. "I know that it's probably a good idea to keep things as they are. I just...can't help wishin' it could be more."

"I know, darlin'," Ennis told him, somehow knowing that Jack needed to hear the endearment. "I'm sorry, too." They sat there in silence, feeling caught up in a vicious circle that they would never be free of.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

_February 1973_

There was only a few days left until Valentine's, and the two cowboys were having an early celebration in the tent. They wouldn't be together on the day, but they would certainly be thinking of each other.

Neither of them had brought up the conversation that took place on their previous trip, and they had silently agreed not to discuss it. Both of them knew that no matter how much they wanted to be together for real, it was simply too risky and at least one of them could get hurt. Jack privately thought that it was worth the risk, but he didn't dare bring it up again; it simply made Ennis too uncomfortable.

He tried not to think about it as Ennis pressed closer to him, face buried in his neck as they rubbed their hips together. He at least knew that Ennis did want to live with him and would do it if things were different; that was something to hold on to. He was also certain that Ennis loved him, just from the way that Ennis showed him.

"God, Ennis," he breathed, wrapping his arms more securely around his lover's neck. Shockwaves travelled through him every time he felt Ennis's erection rubbing against his, and he thought he'd be able to come from that alone. "Love what yer doin' there..."

"Mmm..." Ennis pulled his head up and kissed Jack on the mouth, finding his tongue. "You feel damn good, darlin'."

"Can we try somethin'?" Jack asked between kisses, thinking about what he'd wanted to do for a while. The thought had come to him while dreaming about Ennis, and he wanted to know what it was like for real.

Ennis paused, looking curiously at him. "Sure...what d'you have in mind?"

"Well...I dunno if it has a name, but..." He cleared his throat. "One of us turns onto our stomach, an' the other...sticks their tongue down there." His cheeks reddened. "I mean, we don't hafta do that...if you don't feel okay with it."

"Huh..." Ennis thought about the notion, and he couldn't deny that the idea was very appealing. "Where'd you get that from?"

"Was dreamin' about you a while back, down in Texas," Jack replied, twirling one of Ennis's curls around his finger. "You was doin' that to me...wondered what it'd be like."

"Alright then," Ennis replied, nuzzling him. "If that's what you want...let's give it a shot." Jack grinned and started to turn over, kissing his lover before going all the way. Ennis straddled him and kissed the back of his neck, then his shoulders. "Just relax, darlin'."

Jack shivered with anticipation and he had to lift his hips to ease the pressure in his crotch. It wouldn't take him long to explode onto the bedroll before him, but he was looking forward to this.

Ennis slowly kissed his way down Jack's back, pausing now and then to stroke the soft skin. He'd always loved feeling Jack's muscles, ever since their second night together on Brokeback. Jack had more of them now, and they drove Ennis crazy with lust.

When he reached Jack's ass, he took a moment to prepare himself for what he was about to do. He'd never done anything like this before; it was very different from going down on Jack. This was a very intimate place, and he wanted to make Jack feel good. He leaned down and cupped Jack's ass with his hands, spreading the cheeks apart and hearing Jack sigh. Knowing he was on the right track, he tentatively poked his tongue out and made his move.

Jack let out a gasp when Ennis penetrated him; this was very unlike when Ennis fucked him. His tongue was wet and warm, and Jack thought his head would explode when he felt Ennis moving around back there. "Oh, fuck!"

"This good?" Ennis teased him as he took a moment to breathe. Jack nodded.

"Uh huh..." He started bucking and shaking, unable to control himself as his orgasm drew closer. Ennis had one hand on himself, and then reached through Jack's legs with his other to take him in hand. Jack couldn't help but let out a moan. "Ennis...oh, God..."

All it took was a few more strokes, and they came at the same time. Jack didn't think he'd ever shot so much in one go, and he immediately collapsed to the bedroll when it was over. "Holy fuck..."

Ennis, who was still light-headed and dizzy, crawled off Jack and lay beside him. His tongue felt strange after that, but not in an unpleasant way. As unusual as it was for him to do something like that, he found that he'd enjoyed it. Jack had clearly had a good time, and the smile on his face told Ennis that he was very happy with his efforts.

"You okay?" he murmured, touching Jack's face. Jack nodded, happy that Ennis was so concerned about his well-being.

"I'm great, cowboy. That was...somethin' else." He shuffled over and curled up next to his lover, feeling well taken care of. "Mmm...think I need some shut-eye after that."

Ennis smiled and put an arm around him, gently rubbing his back. "Go on, darlin'. I'm right here." He kissed Jack's forehead and watched as the blue eyes closed, his heart bursting with the love he felt for this man. It ate into him that this couldn't be more permanent; that people would hurt them just for this. He knew he loved Jack, and that Jack loved him. If things were different, then he would be able to tell Jack that he only wanted to be with him.

"Night, darlin'," he whispered, watching Jack's face as he slept. Sadness crept into him and he too closed his eyes, wishing that when he woke up, the world would have changed and they could be together. It was the same thing he wished for every time he went to sleep, but things never changed. He was starting to lose the belief that they ever would.


	18. Chapter 18

_Author's notes_

_This chapter contains details about the rifle scene, which was deleted from the original movie. Details can be found on the Finding Brokeback website, under Deleted Scenes. The lines in Jack's flashback were taken directly from the script of the scene, which can be found on that website :) There is also a mention of the scene with the hippies, which was also deleted. The script for that is also on the website._

_Kathryn xxx_

* * *

**Chapter 18**

_August 1973_

It was their last day of the summer trip, and Jack was lying on his back while Ennis prepared dinner for them. He thought back on this week, remembering everything that had happened.

Their encounter with the hippies had been interesting, to say the least. He could tell that Ennis hadn't particularly liked them, especially when the girls had proposed casual sex. Jack figured that Ennis would never have agreed to it; sex wasn't something that either of them took lightly. Whenever they did it, there were feelings involved that made it so much more than sex. Besides, Jack got the feeling that Ennis hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings anyway; this time out in the mountains was just for them and nobody else.

It had also showed him a little part of Ennis that he'd seen before; prejudice. Ennis had been very mistrustful of the hippies, saying that they were "un-American". Jack wondered if it was just that group that Ennis didn't like, or anybody who wasn't like everybody else. Did that mean that Ennis was less accepting of their relationship than he'd previously thought?

Jack didn't have any answers, but he had to wonder. This trip hadn't been a lot of fun, even from the start. He glanced over at the long box amongst their things, remembering the very first day of this trip and his failed attempt to make a gesture of love.

"_It's a gift, don't worry about it," he told Ennis, waving a hand. Ennis seemed to be growing irritated at such a flashy gift._

"_You don't get it. Alma sees this...you just don't get it." Ennis couldn't look into Jack's eyes, knowing there was disappointment there. "Alma, me and my shit jobs, then struttin' home with this in my hands, with her goin' on about this an' that we can't afford for the girls..."_

Jack looked over at Ennis, feeling a little hurt at the rejection. All he'd wanted was to make the man he loved happy, but he couldn't even do that. Ennis seemed to block him at every point, even telling him that they couldn't say those three words to each other. Jack just wanted to tell him.

"_Hey, you need some help..."_

"_I don't need your help! You got that?"_

_There was a long pause as they stared each other down, and Jack finally conceded defeat._

"_I got it, partner. I do."_

"_Okay." _

Jack sat up, sighing. He'd thought that Ennis would love the rifle, and he'd just wanted to make a gesture. But now that he thought about it, he realised that it would look odd to Alma for Ennis to come home with a brand new firearm that he clearly couldn't afford himself. And she probably would kick up a fuss about money. He couldn't help but feel a little resentful; if it wasn't for her, Ennis would probably have accepted it. If it wasn't for her, they could be together. He shook his head and lay back down.

Ennis was watching him now and then, thinking about the rifle and Jack's failed attempt to show him love. He'd wanted to accept it, but guilt was eating at him and he knew how Alma would react to him bringing home such an expensive thing. They were short on money and she would never shut up if he brought home something that he couldn't afford. It was easier this way, but it came at a price; he'd hurt Jack in the process. Ennis could tell whenever he hurt Jack; the light in his eyes seemed to go out and he became subdued. He needed to make it up to the man.

"Jack? Come over here," he called softly, seeing Jack turn to face him. Jack got up and reluctantly sat beside him, not meeting his eyes. Ennis nudged him gently. "I'm sorry about the rifle. I know you was just tryin' to make me happy, but...I can't take it."

Jack nodded, knowing that Ennis was right. "I know, bud. An' I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. Didn't want that."

Ennis touched his hand. "After dinner, can I make it up to you?" he asked, and Jack nodded again, smiling slightly.

"Sure."

They had dinner in relative silence before retiring to the tent. Once inside and naked, Ennis did everything he could think of to make Jack feel good, especially kissing him and touching him in the way he loved. Jack just held onto him and tried to remind himself that Ennis did love him, in spite of everything. The night passed too quickly, and soon they were falling asleep in a tangle of limbs.

Ennis curled up behind Jack and spooned him, one arm around his stomach. When he was certain that Jack was asleep, he swallowed.

"Bud...I know yer sleepin', an' that'll make this easier. Can't say this to yer face..." He paused. "Don't need no flashy gifts from you...only come up here so we can spend time together. Just need you, an' I want you to know that. Keep dreamin' of you, an' wishin' we could..." He swallowed again, knowing he had to get through this. "I just wanna tell you...I..." He leaned forward and whispered into Jack's ear, "Love you, Jack." He pulled away and settled down, wishing he could say the words to Jack's face.

Jack didn't stir throughout Ennis's declaration, but he heard every word. He immediately forgave Ennis for what had happened on this trip, and when he heard Ennis say that he loved him, he felt his heart soar. Ennis loved him, and had admitted to it even though it wasn't to his face. It was a start; maybe one day they could say it openly to each other.

He smiled to himself and relaxed, hoping that Ennis wouldn't sense he was awake. Things were a little better now that he'd heard those words, and he was willing to give it more time. Hopefully soon, things would change for the better.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

_December 1973_

Jack was lying on his back, staring up at the roof of the tent. He could hear Ennis breathing next to him as he slept, and Jack liked being here with him. But he just couldn't settle down, even after what they'd just been doing. Thoughts were swirling around his head and he couldn't switch off.

It had been ten years since he and Ennis had met, and Jack couldn't help but feel that they hadn't made much progress at all. He no longer asked Ennis about living together, but he'd decided to just leave it with him since Ennis knew what he wanted. He still hoped that one day, Ennis would come around and realise that they needed to be together.

_I love him so much, _Jack thought to himself, listening to Ennis breathe. _An' I know he loves me; told me himself last time. Just wish we could say it out loud to each other...it could change everythin' an' we could be together. It ain't no guarantee that somebody would hurt us if we lived together; we could be real quiet, say we're half-brothers or cousins or somethin'...there's gotta be a way. But...it's like...he don't even wanna try. _

Jack swallowed past the lump in his throat, praying that it wasn't true. He knew that Ennis loved him, and Ennis had confirmed that he did want to live with him. He was simply too scared of what might happen; of losing Jack.

He shook his head and rolled onto his side, facing Ennis; his cowboy looked so peaceful tonight, like he didn't have a care in the world. Jack wished he could make Ennis look like that all the time. It might be possible if they lived together.

With trembling fingers, Jack reached out and gently stroked Ennis's curls, liking how they felt against his skin. Despite being thirty, Ennis was just as beautiful as Jack had always thought of him. They were adults now, and Jack knew that if they had a ranch together they could make it work. They had life experience and Jack knew they could be happy together.

He saw Ennis smile in his sleep, and Jack wondered what he was dreaming about. _Hope it's me, _he thought to himself. _God, Ennis...I love you so much._

He drew his hand away and Ennis stirred, clearly waking up. Jack winced as he realised that he'd woken Ennis up, which he hadn't wanted to do. The deep brown eyes opened and blinked a few times before meeting his. "Jack?"

"Sorry," Jack said to him, feeling guilty. "Didn't mean to wake you..." Ennis yawned.

"S'alright...what's up?"

Jack shrugged and fiddled with the sheet. "Nothin'...just thinkin' about stuff." Ennis knew what that meant; Jack had been thinking about them and wishing it could be more. He longed to tell Jack how he felt; maybe that would make Jack feel better about everything.

"Oh. You okay?"

"I guess. But, um...Ennis, could we...? I know we did it a few hours ago, but..." Ennis covered his hand gently, knowing that Jack needed this.

"It's okay, darlin'. We can, if you want." He leaned over and pressed his lips to Jack's, feeling Jack exhale in relief. Their earlier coupling had been hard and fast, but Ennis seemed to know that it had to be slower now. He liked being gentle with Jack, making love to him tenderly and drawing out every moment of it.

Jack kissed him back desperately, thankful that Ennis knew what he needed. They kissed a few times and Jack rolled onto his back, pulling Ennis over him. Their eyes met in the darkness and Ennis looked down into his lover's face, wishing he could just say what he felt. But this would have to do; he had to show Jack how he felt.

They kissed again and Jack wrapped his arms around Ennis's neck, needing contact. When things got like this, he needed kisses and embraces and soft touches, and Ennis was very good at giving them to him. Ennis gently took hold of Jack's hips and pulled him a little closer, then slid his hands up to cup Jack's face.

Jack pulled his lips away, breathing deeply. "Need you, Ennis...come on..." Ennis nodded and grabbed the lube, smoothing it over himself and spreading Jack's legs apart. Jack let out a shaky breath as Ennis penetrated him, finally feeling complete. He was certain that Ennis was his soul mate, and he longed for them to be together all the time. He needed this man in his life.

When he was fully inside Jack, Ennis held him close as he slowly moved inside him, taking it at the pace Jack needed and wanted. He closed his eyes and buried his face in Jack's neck, remembering to touch Jack wherever he could. It was working; Jack was in pure bliss at what Ennis was doing and he kissed Ennis's skin where he could reach it. "Ennis...oh God...I..."

Ennis pulled his head up and captured Jack's lips again as he moved a little faster, sliding one hand down to Jack's erection and taking hold of it. All it took was a few strokes and a few more thrusts, and they were at that place. Ennis shot inside Jack with a groan, and Jack bucked until he came between them, letting out a low moan of pleasure.

They collapsed together and Ennis kissed Jack's cheek, hoping that he'd made Jack feel better. He pulled out and looked down at Jack; the deep blue eyes were watching him and Jack was smiling, caressing his face. "That was good...thanks, bud."

"No problem, darlin'. You reckon you can sleep now?" Jack nodded and they disentangled themselves, then Jack rolled onto his side and Ennis spooned up behind him, sensing that Jack needed to be held tonight. "S'alright, bud. Gonna be okay..."

"Mmm," Jack sighed, pulling Ennis's arm closer around him. "I know, cowboy." He silently told Ennis that he loved him and closed his eyes, not sure if he felt any better than he had before. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

_April 1974_

It was a beautiful spring day, and the two men were taking a walk by the river where they had set up camp a few days ago. As they walked, they held hands and Ennis had a shy smile on his face, which didn't go unnoticed by Jack.

"Sure is nice today," he commented, seeing the sunlight reflected in the water. This was nature at its best, and he loved being able to enjoy it with Ennis. He wished they could spend more time together, even if it was only one more trip in a year. They had three at best, maybe only two, and he ached for Ennis when they were apart.

He thought about Ennis pretty much all of the time, wondering what he was doing and if he was thinking of him. Jack wished that the world could be different, so that they had a chance of being together. Maybe it would be in the years to come, but it would be too late for them. They were in their thirties now, and time continued to march forward whether they liked it or not.

After a while, they went to sit on the bridge over the water, dangling their legs over and breathing in the crisp mountain air. Jack felt at peace for once; not something he usually experienced down in Texas. The house was stuffy and uncomfortable, and he hated it. He knew that if he and Ennis got together, their ranch could be a real home for both of them.

"Ennis?" he asked quietly, and Ennis turned to look at him. "Can I...ask you somethin'?"

"Sure, bud," he replied, wondering what was on Jack's mind.

"Well...I was thinkin'...could we maybe...meet up a little more often? Like...squeeze another trip in somewhere? I miss you somethin' awful between trips..."

Ennis sighed inwardly, hating that he had to disappoint Jack. He would love for them to meet more often, but he had to work in order to provide for his girls. A few years ago, he would have just quit his job to be with Jack, but ranch work was not great money and he needed to stay in one place. He wished that Jack could remember how it was to be poor all the time.

"Jack...don't think we can. Need money for the girls...can't just go quittin' every job to meet up."

"So...you don't miss me when we're apart?" Jack asked, feeling hurt. He knew it was a little childish to act this way, but he couldn't help it. He was resentful towards Alma for having Ennis most of the time, even if Ennis didn't love her. She had what he didn't.

"That ain't it an' you know it," Ennis told him, squeezing his hand. "I miss you too, Jack. But it can't happen...it's hard enough gettin' the time I do. Need money for the girls," he repeated, and Jack took his hand away.

"It's gettin' hard, Ennis...I miss you even more every time you leave. Just...was wonderin' if we could spend more time together."

He stood up and walked a few paces away across the bridge, staring out at the area around them. It felt like they were the only two people in the world right now, and he liked it. Ennis also stood up and scratched the back of his neck.

"Jack...I dunno what to say. Ain't easy for me, either. I miss you too...but there ain't no way we can have another trip in a year. Can only manage three at the most."

"Yeah, I noticed," Jack sniped back, and felt his heart aching for the man behind him. "Just...gets to me sometimes. Alma gets you most of the year, an' I know you don't..." He bit his lip; they didn't mention the L word openly. "Well...least I know where I stand with you."

"Jack..." Ennis came up behind him and put his hands on Jack's shoulders. "I sure am sorry, bud. You know I would...but I can't. Ain't as easy as you think...to just decide to leave for a week. Can't quit this job now...the girls need me to provide for 'em."

He tentatively slid his hands down and around Jack's waist, and was relieved when Jack didn't move away. "Talk to me, darlin'...don't like it when we fight."

"I know," Jack sighed, covering Ennis's arms with his own. "I don't like it either...but I dunno what else to do. Really gets to me when I'm alone in that house in Texas...missin' you an' wishin' we was together..."

Ennis rested his chin on Jack's shoulder and held him close, wishing that he could do something, anything to make Jack feel better. But it seemed to him that the only way to fix this was to give Jack the one thing he couldn't - a life together. It was the only thing he couldn't allow to happen, no matter how much they wanted it.

"Come on, bud...let's go back to camp an' get somethin' to eat. We don't gotta fuck yet if you ain't up to it...we can just sit around if you want." Jack nodded and allowed Ennis to take his hand, leading him back to the campsite.

They sat against a log together and drank some whiskey, keeping close and resting against each other. Jack loved sitting with Ennis and talking, as if they were a real couple, and he often wondered what it might be like on a daily basis if they were together. Waking up in the same bed, meals, working, and then sex and going to sleep together at night. It sounded so simple, and perfect. He hoped that one day it would come true.

Ennis looked down at the top of Jack's head and planted a kiss in his hair, knowing that he'd hurt Jack's feelings and hoping that Jack would allow him to make it up to him. He would do anything to rectify all the mistakes he'd made with Jack, starting with leaving Signal by himself in 1963.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

_August 1974_

During their summer trip, things seemed to be better than before. They had made up after their argument and were just trying to focus on enjoying themselves. Neither of them liked fighting; it was such a waste of time when they could be doing other things, and not just sex.

Ennis still felt guilty about hurting Jack yet again, so he was trying to be more loving than usual. He was still very unsure of himself when it came to being romantic, but he was trying. He woke Jack up on their first full day with breakfast in bed, which put a smile back on Jack's face.

"What's all this?" he asked as he looked around at what Ennis had brought into the tent. Ennis shrugged, wondering if he'd done the right thing. Jack sure seemed happy about his gift.

"Thought you might like it...'specially after the last trip. Wanted to try an' make it up to you." Jack looked at him, sensing that Ennis was feeling bad about turning down his suggestion of more trips. He'd learned to make his peace with what they had; at least for now.

"Ennis...it's okay. You don't gotta feel bad about that. In the past now." He reached out and touched Ennis's arm gently, trying not to spook him. Ennis gave him a disheartened look; he was ashamed of himself for the way he sometimes treated Jack. He felt like he was taking the man for granted lately.

"I just...I'm thinkin' that I treat you real bad. Like...I can just treat you how I want an' assume that yer gonna turn up anyway. Don't like it..."

Jack sighed and pushed the breakfast aside, shuffling closer to Ennis. "Cowboy...it's okay. I like comin' here an' meetin' you. An' I know you don't like fightin' with me. It's really okay. We still have a good time, right?" Ennis nodded; they did still enjoy these trips when they weren't fighting. "So it's okay. I know you don't mean it." He kissed Ennis's cheek and returned to the food. "You wanna join me with this?"

Ennis smiled a little and did so, sitting beside him and enjoying the breakfast. He wondered what it would be like if they could have breakfast together every morning, in a real bed. But he tried not to think about things like that; they would only cause him pain.

"You okay?" Jack asked him when he saw how distracted Ennis was. "You look miles away."

"Um..." Ennis looked at him and was struck by the intense blue eyes; they could see right into his soul. He so wished that he could tell Jack how he felt, but every time he thought about it his nerve failed him. Every day they were together, he prayed that somehow he would find the courage. "Dunno...just got a lot on my mind."

Jack nodded and moved closer to him. "Can I help? Maybe take yer mind off it?" His eyes were darker now as he started to feel lustful, and Ennis noticed how aroused he was becoming.

"I guess..." Jack's lips found his neck and he sighed, closing his eyes in pleasure. Jack just knew how to push his buttons, and he was very glad for it. "Mmm..."

"Like that?" Jack breathed, and he nodded.

"Uh huh..." A hand touched his stomach and he gulped, getting harder by the second. He was starting to feel desire building up inside him, and their eyes met. He knew then what he wanted; to have Jack inside him. He didn't get that feeling often, but when he did nothing else would do. "Jack...can you, um...?"

Jack's eyes were boring into his, and Jack seemed to know what Ennis was asking. Bu he thought it was important for Ennis to verbalise what he wanted; it would help him in the long run if he could talk more. "It's okay, Ennis...you can say it..."

"I..." Ennis took a deep breath, and found courage when he found Jack's hand. "I want you...inside me..."

Jack nodded, pleased that Ennis had said it. "Okay, bud. We can do that if you want." He kissed Ennis and started to gently push him down to the bedroll, hoping not to scare him by taking things quickly. When this occurred, he had to be slow and tender for Ennis's benefit. He'd found that he liked it that way anyway. "Just relax..."

Ennis did as Jack told him, taking deep breaths as he saw Jack prepare himself with their eyes fixed together. He knew that Jack was trying to keep his feelings in mind and he appreciated it. Jack could be very good to him when he was on top, and it made Ennis wish that he could be more like that.

When they were both ready, Jack pushed Ennis's legs up and apart, and then leaned over him. He kissed Ennis once more and then started to push in, keeping his ears peeled for any sound of distress from his lover. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt Ennis. "Shh..."

He pushed his way inside and waited a few moments for Ennis to get used to the feeling, looking down at him lovingly. Ennis was breathing deeply as he waited for the pain to pass, and then all he could feel was the gentle pressure of this wonderful man inside him.

They made love slowly that morning, needing to connect to each other and just forget about everything else in their lives. When they were together, all that mattered was their love and how they showed it to each other. This feeling was unlike any other and neither of them wanted it to end as they held on tightly. They kissed and touched as Jack slowly moved inside his lover, and for a moment they could forget the fact that they lived separate lives for most of the year. For just a few seconds, they could let themselves believe that they were together.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

_December 1974_

It was a cold winter's morning, but that went unnoticed by the two cowboys in the tent. They were naked and under the covers, finding their own way of keeping warm.

Jack pressed himself closer to Ennis and started kissing his neck, knowing that it would drive Ennis crazy. He just knew how to get Ennis's blood pressure up. Ennis let his eyes close in pure pleasure as Jack kissed and touched his body. He loved being intimate with Jack and he wished they could do it more often. These were the moments he remembered when they were apart.

He took hold of his lover and rolled them both over until he was on top, eyes gazing down into Jack's. Ennis could feel Jack's erection, hard as a rock next to his, and he rubbed their hips together, eyes glittering. Jack bit his lip and tried not to whimper at the aching inside him. "Ennis..."

"Tell me what you want," Ennis whispered, feeling bold and horny. "Come on..."

"Fuck me," Jack groaned, lifting his hips. Ennis nodded and grabbed the lube, preparing himself while looking down at the wonderful man beneath him. He could truthfully say that there was nowhere else he would rather be right now.

"Just relax, darlin'," he said softly, and Jack nodded. He knew in his heart that Ennis would never hurt him during sex, not even in fun. They were always very considerate of each other's feelings and every time was good for them.

Ennis finished with the lube and gently nudged Jack's legs apart, starting to find his way inside. He leaned down lower and Jack lifted his hips again to help, trying to guide his lover into him. "Come on, cowboy..."

They became one and Ennis was soon nestled deep inside Jack, where he belonged. "Oh God..." Ennis leaned down to kiss Jack and then started moving slowly, finding his rhythm. Both of them liked it when it was rough and fast, but this was something else. This was more like making love, and they both knew it. Jack wrapped his arms around Ennis's neck and pulled him further down, so that Ennis was lying on top of him with their chests together.

As they moved in their slow, gentle pace, both of them just switched off their other thoughts and concentrated on what they were feeling right now. They liked to go through each of their senses and apply them to their lover. How they smelled, sounded, looked, felt and even tasted as their lips met time and time again. Jack was in heaven with how tender Ennis was being with him, and he wanted it to never end. He needed this more often, but it was beyond his reach for now. All he could do was hope that one day, it would be within his grasp and he could take it. That could only happen if Ennis said it could; he held all the cards and Jack knew it.

He just tried to forget about that when Ennis kissed him, finding his tongue. Jack kissed back with all the enthusiasm he could muster, and it did the trick. Ennis moved faster inside him, pushing his hips forward with every thrust and starting to hit the prostate. Jack groaned and buried his face in Ennis's neck. "God, Ennis...you're so fuckin' good at this...don't stop..."

"Mmm..." Ennis did as he was told, thrusting quicker and harder until he felt Jack shooting onto his stomach, and he heard a low moan in his ear. A few more strokes and he was there himself, coming deep inside Jack and feeling like he'd staked a claim. No matter what else was going on in their lives, he knew one thing; their hearts belonged to each other and nobody else. He knew that, even when they were a thousand miles apart with months to go until their next trip. It didn't get any easier to cope without Jack around all the time, but he was just about managing. It was especially unbearable when there was six months between trips; that was half a year and it felt like forever.

He pulled out and sank down onto Jack's chest, breathing deeply. This was always a good moment, cooling off after some good sex. He liked talking with Jack afterwards, when they would affectionately play with each other's hair or hold hands or something. He'd always liked it, but had only recently told Jack that he did. He knew that Jack liked it when he said what he liked.

"You okay?" he murmured to Jack, running a hand along the smooth chest he was resting on. Jack twirled a curl around his finger and nodded in contentment.

"I'm just fine, cowboy. Doin' real good. You?"

"Yeah." Ennis lifted his head and smiled at Jack, who was pleased to see him looking relaxed. Ennis sometimes thought too much about things, and that made Jack nervous. If Ennis started thinking too much, then it would make Jack afraid of Ennis deciding he couldn't do this anymore. He never wanted that to happen; even if they did this fishing trip thing for the rest of their lives, he would rather have that than nothing at all. At least this way, he still got to see Ennis. If they couldn't be together for real, then this would have to do.

Jack pulled Ennis up to his lips, and they slowly kissed for a while. Ennis's hand continued to rub Jack's chest and he sighed, enjoying what Ennis was doing to him. These little touches meant the world to him, and he hoped that Ennis knew how much he appreciated them.

_I love you so much, _he thought to himself as their fingers interlaced on his chest. _I'll love you forever, no matter what happens. I'd risk a tire iron if it meant we could be together...'cos you're worth it. We're worth it, Ennis...I hope that one day you'll see it for yourself. _


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

_March 1975_

On a beautiful spring day up in the mountains, Ennis and Jack were for once doing the thing they claimed to be; fishing. Jack had reasoned that since they had hauled their gear all the way here, they might as well use it.

Ennis didn't know about the note on his rod from Alma, and since Jack had brought two fishing rods with him it was decided that they would use them. They decided to catch some fish and eat them for supper; it would make a nice change from the food they usually had on these trips.

"Figured it was about time we did what we say we do," Jack commented as he cast his line out into the water. "An' I do like fish anyway..."

"Yep. Good enough way to pass the time, huh?" Ennis replied, looking out around them. They were sat on the edge of the river on a large rock, and everything was peaceful here. He could honestly say that he was completely content right now, and that part of it was due to the man sat beside him. Jack's presence just seemed to calm him no matter what else was going on.

They sat there for a little while, just talking and occasionally drinking their beer that Ennis had brought with him. Everything was right with the world now that they were here, together. Ennis often wished that he could split himself into two people; one that could stay with Alma and the girls to be the man they needed, and the other to just stay with Jack and follow his heart. Things would be so much easier if he didn't have to choose.

"You okay?" Jack asked when Ennis was unusually silent, even for him. Ennis shrugged.

"Just...got a lot on my mind. Ain't no big deal." He tried to smile but Jack was suspicious. Ennis seemed to do that a lot these days; start thinking deeply about things and then pretend that everything was fine. Jack knew him very well, and he could tell when something was eating at him.

Truth be told, Ennis was thinking about how long this could go on for. While he would happily meet up with Jack now and then for the rest of his life, even if they couldn't be properly together, he wondered if it was possible. Every time they met up, they enjoyed themselves so much that it made the separation even harder.

"Okay," he said quietly, wishing that Ennis could talk to him. He'd tried to tell Ennis that he could tell him anything, but he wasn't sure if Ennis believed that. If they were a real couple, then they would be able to talk about whatever was on their minds. He was here for Ennis as his friend as well as his lover, and they should be able to talk about things. "I'm here if you wanna get it off yer chest, you know."

"I know." Ennis was truly grateful that Jack was offering, but he wasn't sure how to verbalise what he was feeling and thinking. He longed to be able to talk at length with Jack, and maybe it could happen if they lived together and grew closer every day, but he didn't see how it could ever happen for them. He loved Jack so much and all he wanted was to live with him. "Thanks, bud."

Jack gently nudged him with his shoulder and then his attention was grabbed by something pulling at the line. "Hey, I think I got one!" He tugged and felt Ennis's hands come around him, pulling with him to help. Together, they managed to get the line out and Jack grinned at the large salmon they'd caught. "Hey, lookit that."

"Not bad, bud," Ennis told him, feeling proud of Jack's accomplishment. He kissed the side of Jack's face and disentangled himself, thinking about how he could give Jack a special reward for that.

They decided to leave it at that and Ennis started cleaning the fish as Jack got the fire ready. It was almost time for supper anyway so they figured they could do this and then go to bed; that sounded like a good plan to both of them.

When supper was ready, they leaned against the log to eat their meal and talk about the day they'd had. Each day together passed too quickly for their liking, because each day brought them closer to separating until the next time. Neither of them really knew what to do about that, but they knew that they were happy when together.

Afterwards, Jack rested his head against Ennis's shoulder and sighed contentedly. "This was a real nice day, huh?" he said softly. Ennis put an arm around him and nodded, looking up at the many stars above them. It was kind of romantic, and he wondered if they might possibly make love out here tonight.

"Sure was. Jack...can I ask you somethin'? Can we...do it out here tonight?"

Jack looked up at him. "Sure...you really wanna?" He was surprised; Ennis would only usually do it inside the tent.

"Yeah...just felt like doin' it out here. With the stars an' all...thought it might be good." Ennis shrugged and looked down, but Jack lifted his chin and looked into his eyes.

"I think it sounds great. We can sleep out here too; it's warm enough. Tell you what...you clean up an' I'll bring the bedroll out. An' I won't forget the lube," he added with a wink, making Ennis blush a little.

He did as he was asked and then helped Jack bring the bedroll out onto the ground. They decided to stay near the fire, especially since they were going to be naked. Ennis knew in his heart that this was where he belonged, and he could only hope that one day they would be together. He just hoped that Jack was willing it wait it out a little longer; he would pluck up the courage some day.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

_August 1975_

It was the anniversary of the day on Brokeback when the snow had come, and the two cowboys were lying on their backs in the grass near camp, staring up at the sky together. The weather couldn't be more different from that day, and they were glad for it.

Ennis looked over at Jack, especially at his cheek. To this day, he regretted hitting that face and causing Jack pain. He'd never truly wanted to hurt Jack in any way; he just couldn't control the mixing emotions inside him that day. Most of all, he had been angry and upset at the thought of having to leave this man. He knew that Jack had forgiven him for it a long time ago, but still.

Jack sensed Ennis watching him and looked over, puzzled by how Ennis was staring at him. "What?" Ennis didn't speak, but he raised his hand and gently stroked Jack's cheek; the area that he'd hit so long ago. Jack immediately understood and he sighed. "Hey...it's okay. Was a long time ago..."

"I know, I just...regret that every time I think on it," Ennis replied, heart feeling heavy in his chest. "Still can't believe I did it..."

Jack sighed and rolled to face him, propping himself up on his elbow. "Ennis...don't think on it. Ain't no big deal now. Please...don't let our trip be like this..." He shuffled closer and put a hand on his lover's chest, feeling his heart beating. "Just...let's focus on somethin' else. Like...I dunno...a little...?" He smiled and leaned closer, brushing their lips together. Ennis got the message and kissed him fully, needing this close contact. Even if they didn't have sex, he still loved making out with Jack.

The sun shone down on them as they kissed lazily in the grass, just enjoying the taste and feel of each other. They didn't need anything else right now.

After a while, Jack pulled his lips away and gazed down into Ennis's eyes. "I know you feel real bad about that day...but we just gotta try an' let it lie. I know why you hit me, an' it's okay. I still came lookin' for you in '67, right? An' I keep on comin' back every few months to see you. Don't that tell you nothin'?"

Ennis nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. It was true; no matter how badly he'd treated Jack in the past, he'd always come back. Jack had come back because...?

_Is it 'cos he...loves me? _Ennis asked himself, and he swallowed. They had silently agreed to never say that word to each other, and the only time he'd ever said it was when Jack had been asleep. He wanted to say it properly to Jack, but even if he had the guts there was one thing holding him back. If they said it, then everything would change. He knew he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Jack ever again if they let out their feelings. That would be a disaster; it was too much to hope that nobody would care about them being together.

Jack could tell that Ennis was doing some of his deep thinking, and he sighed inwardly. They might never be able to talk about love, and it was the one thing that he wanted to talk to Ennis about more than anything else. He knew that they were in love, but that was it. A few months here and there on the sly, lying to people who cared about them simply because they couldn't keep away from each other. He hated having to do this, and he couldn't see a way out just yet.

"Hey...quit yer thinkin' down there," he said softly, nuzzling Ennis's cheek with his nose. "I know yer thinkin' on somethin' an' it worries you...cut it out, okay?"

"Sorry," Ennis replied, taking Jack's hand. "Just...got a lot on my mind. Never did like this day after Brokeback. Knew I was...gonna miss you somethin' awful. An' I'm sure as hell sorry about what happened...I took it out on you an' I shouldn't..."

"Shh," Jack told him, covering Ennis's mouth with his hand. "Don't matter now. Just...shut up an' kiss me." He leaned down again and Ennis willingly took his lips. He needed to try and forget everything else right now, and just focus on the man lying with him, kissing him. That was all that mattered right now.

After they'd been kissing for several long moments, Jack rolled himself on top of Ennis and the kissing became heavier. They were growing hard and could feel the familiar desire for one another; the one that could never truly be sated. Jack broke away and straddled Ennis's hips, removing his shirt and throwing it aside. He helped Ennis take off his and kissed him again, hands roaming everywhere. "God, I want you," he breathed. "Can I...?" It wasn't often that he topped Ennis, but he needed it right now. Truth be told, Ennis felt like he needed to have Jack inside him right now.

"Uh huh..." Jack kissed his neck and the rest of the clothes came flying off; no more words were needed. When the feeling took over, they didn't need to talk. They just knew how they felt.

They made love slowly and sensuously out on the grass, making each other feel loved and cared for. These were the moments that they always remembered when they were apart; the ones that got them through cold, lonely nights when they were a thousand miles apart. In their dreams, they could be together in the way they wanted. Nobody could hurt them there and nobody would ever know but them. It was a perfect dream that neither of them were certain would ever come true, but there was nothing they could do about that now.

Afterwards, Jack spooned Ennis as they cooled down, letting the sun shine down on their skin and just dozing lightly. Here, everything was just as it should be and their hearts were one.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

_November 1975_

The days were cold, but the hearts of the two cowboys in the tent were full of warmth as they lay together, lazily kissing. At this time of year, they didn't get fully undressed; they just pushed their pants down to their knees. It was the only way for them to have sex and still keep warm. But they weren't about to let the weather spoil their time together; that happened back in 1963 and they didn't want a repeat of it.

Ennis pulled Jack a little closer and nipped at his neck. He was so lost in Jack's body and scent that he could think of little else - especially not his marital problems. Things with Alma were getting worse, and had been over the past few years. They didn't really talk; she nagged at him for this or that and he just didn't listen. He was doing the best he could for the girls but she was making it difficult.

Logic told him that he should stay away from Jack and instead focus on his marriage, but his heart told him the opposite. He knew that he needed to see Jack as much as possible, and it was all he could think about when they were apart.

He switched off these thoughts and let his hands roam over Jack's body, feeling the hard muscles under his shirt. Despite the chill in the air, they were warming up right now and he was itching to get Jack's clothes off. "Jack..."

"Ennis..." Jack pinned him down and stared down at him, desire building up inside him. "God, you drive me crazy..."

"Thought you already was," Ennis commented with a grin, and Jack retaliated by biting his neck. "Hey now, not so hard," he added, wincing a little. Jack kissed the sore spot and nuzzled his face.

"Think you deserve it for that," he told his lover, eyes glittering. "Got a mind to give you what for..."

Ennis looked up at him, thinking. The offer was tempting, but he wasn't too sure if he was up for Jack topping him right now. Jack just seemed to be easier with it than him. "I, uh...I dunno, Jack. Don't reckon I'm up for that..."

"Oh," Jack replied, feeling a little disappointed. But he had to be mindful of Ennis's feelings; no matter what they felt about each other, there would be times when Ennis was uneasy about being taken like that. "Right..."

"I mean, it ain't that I don't...like it," Ennis continued, pressing a hand to Jack's warm chest in reassurance. "I just...don't think I can do that right now."

"Do you wanna fuck me?" Jack asked him softly, willing to do whatever Ennis was comfortable with. The shy cowboy did seem more relaxed when he was the one in control. But Ennis shook his head.

"No...but I was thinkin'...you know that rubbin' thing we've done before? I thought maybe..." He went slightly red and looked away, but Jack touched his cheek.

"Hey...don't gotta be embarrassed. We can do that if you want." He rose up and pulled his shirt off, smiling. He helped Ennis remove his shirt and spent a few minutes kissing his stomach, feeling the soft blonde hairs and noting how thin Ennis was. It was clear to Jack that Ennis didn't eat much in Riverton, and that it was likely to be a money issue. He so wanted to offer help, but he knew that Ennis would never take it; the man still had his pride and it would only cause arguments. The fiasco with the rifle was proof enough. But when they met up, he made the effort and ensured that the trip was special. He brought lots of good food and whiskey for the pair of them, and he knew that Ennis appreciated it.

When their jeans had been removed and thrown to the corner of the tent, Jack sank down until his body was covering Ennis's and he lightly pressed a kiss to Ennis's lips. "You ready, bud?" Ennis nodded and wrapped his legs around Jack's calves. Jack rocked his hips against Ennis's, making sure that their groins were pressed together in a way that would drive them both crazy.

As they moved together, Ennis closed his eyes and blocked out all thoughts that didn't involve Jack or what they were doing right now. He couldn't worry about Alma's attitude right now, not when he was with the man he loved. It was a horrible situation they were in, but there was nothing else for it but to simply try and cope.

Afterwards, Jack lay on Ennis's stomach and drew circles with his finger, watching the blonde hairs move. He loved everything about Ennis's body, and always had. There was nothing quite like having sex with this man, and he never wanted to be with anyone else ever again. Ennis was the love of his life, and he knew that in his heart.

"Yer real quiet over there," he remarked, looking up at Ennis. He knew when his cowboy was thinking about things and worrying. "You okay?"

Ennis nodded. "Yeah, guess so. Just...thinkin'."

"Dangerous, that," Jack said with a grin, and Ennis smacked his ass lightly.

"Shut up, asshole. Could be thinkin' about you, ya know." It was a bold statement coming from him, and Jack smiled.

"Really? You do that a lot?" he asked, stroking Ennis's face.

"Uh huh," Ennis answered, feeling nervous. "Sure do...like when yer in Texas an' I'm in Riverton. Miss you a lot, Jack..."

Jack sighed and moved closer, kissing him. "I know. I miss you too, bud. But we're here now, an' that's all I care about. The other stuff don't matter right now."

"Yeah..." They kissed again and Ennis held him close, wishing that he could keep Jack in his arms forever. This was where they were supposed to be, and he never wanted to let Jack go ever again. If he ever lost Jack, he didn't know if he could go on.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

_May 1976_

The pair of them were sat in silence by the campfire, thinking about the events of last month.

Jack knew that he would regret all of it until the day he died. How he had come up to Wyoming without warning just because of a phone call, how he had been shot down...and especially how he had dealt with it. What the hell had he been thinking, to go down to Mexico like that to numb the pain?

Ennis hated how he'd handled it last month. He should have at least invited Jack to stay for a while after he'd taken the girls back to Alma's. They could have talked about everything, and maybe they would have finally found a way to be together. Instead, things were now a lot worse than they had been before. He knew from Jack's face how hurt he was by the rejection, and cursed himself for being a coward.

They hadn't spoken much upon their arrival to the campsite, had only exchanged a hug and a brief kiss before unpacking. It was a mark of how bad things were; usually they were all over each other upon meeting up.

"Bud?" Ennis started, hoping that he could bridge the gap between them. Jack looked at him.

"Yeah?" His voice was flat and Ennis wondered just how much damage he'd done to this man.

"Sure am sorry about last month...should've let you stay 'til I got back. Coulda talked an'...we wouldn't be like this now."

_There's an understatement, _Jack thought bitterly. _If he hadn't turned me away, I wouldn't have gone down there...what the hell was I thinkin'?_

"Guess not. An' for what it's worth...I'm sorry I came tearin' up there without tellin' you. I know you was scared of someone seein' us." He looked away, picking at the label on his beer bottle. "Just...it felt kinda embarrassin' to be there, thinkin' that we was gettin' together an' then you...was real bad."

Ennis reached over and took his hand, hoping to undo the damage. "Darlin'...I'm sorry. I don't want us bein' like this the whole trip..."

Jack looked at him again, wondering how Ennis might react if he found out about Mexico. Would he be jealous, or would he finally realise that Jack had lied to him when he'd denied being queer up on Brokeback? Either way, the outcome wouldn't be good. Ennis would hit the roof and that could be the end of their trips. Despite everything, Jack still wanted and needed to see Ennis, and he didn't want to give up what they did have. He still loved the man despite what he went through just to keep the peace.

"I know. I never did like fightin' with you...or givin' you the silent treatment. But you gotta know, Ennis...that hurt me real bad an' I...I almost didn't come today. Thought about sendin' you a postcard tellin' you not to bother...but I wanted to see you."

Ennis swallowed, thinking about how close he'd come to losing Jack for good. What if Jack had stayed away? He would never forgive himself for what he'd done. "Jack...I'm real glad yer here...sorry I did that last month..."

Jack looked at him and saw the genuine regret in Ennis's eyes. He sighed inwardly; he couldn't stay mad too long when Ennis was so clearly conflicted. It wasn't Ennis's fault that he was so scared of people finding out about them, and that he couldn't guarantee their safety if they got together. It was simply because of what he'd seen as a young child, and his fears of losing Jack.

He got up and sat down at Ennis's feet, looking up at him. "Ennis...it's okay. I know why you did that. An'...I guess that comin' up without tellin' you wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I shoulda asked you when you called, even if you just needed some support."

"I coulda asked you to wait inside," Ennis replied, taking Jack's hand and squeezing it. "Sure am sorry."

"I know, bud." Jack rose up onto his knees and rubbed his free hand along Ennis's thigh. "You wanna just...get in the tent an'...you know?" Make-up sex was usually very good, and they both needed to release their tension right now.

Ennis nodded, thankful that Jack wasn't keeping his distance. "Sure, darlin'." They got up and Jack pulled him close, kissing his cheek.

"S'okay, Ennis...we'll be alright. I still wanna see you out here...an' I'll get over last month." He knew that he could never tell Ennis about Mexico; he would take that secret to his grave.

When they were inside the tent, they started making out fully clothed. Neither of them wanted to rush things; just to enjoy the moment and make up. Jack wondered if he was giving in too easily by forgiving Ennis so soon, and if it made him weak. But he didn't care; he just couldn't be without Ennis and he would do anything to keep this man in his life.

Ennis lay on top of Jack as he explored his mouth, tongue running over Jack's teeth and lips tightly pressed to his lover's. There was just something about kissing Jack that he loved, and he hoped that Jack would always be there for him to kiss and make love to.

He got the feeling, now more than ever, that he might be taking Jack for granted. He'd just assumed that Jack would turn up despite last month, and Jack had almost stayed away. He had to make some kind of gesture, something to show Jack how grateful he was to him for coming here anyway. But the only thing he could think of was the one thing they could never have.

"Ennis," Jack breathed, sensing that Ennis was thinking too much again. "Don't think on it...just come here..." He pulled Ennis's lips back to his and did his best to make the night as enjoyable as possible for both of them. This was the only man he ever wanted to be with.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

_November 1976_

Ennis and Jack were out on a hunting trip, but things weren't as light as they used to be. It was a few days in and things didn't seem as good as usual. Normally, they would stick close together and pretend it was just due to the cold, but this time...everything was off.

The previous trip had ended fairly well, considering the circumstances. Ennis knew that he'd hurt Jack, and he'd done his best to make it up to him. He wasn't entirely sure what to say that he hadn't already tried. He'd considered telling Jack that he loved him, but even if he could pluck up the guts he wasn't sure what good it might do. For all he knew, it could make things worse because they just couldn't be together.

At the moment, they were eating breakfast before going hunting. They were sat fairly close together, but to Ennis it felt like there was a wide chasm between them. During this trip and the last, Jack had been a lot quieter than usual. Clearly, something else had happened that Jack wasn't letting on about.

"You okay?" he asked, looking over at Jack. The other man nodded silently.

"Yeah," he replied in a soft voice, looking into the flames. "Fine..."

"Jack...I'm sorry about what happened," Ennis tried, moving closer. "You gotta know I am."

"I know that," Jack said, looking at him and trying to smile, but it didn't meet his eyes. Ennis wasn't sure how to reach out to him.

"But...you've been real quiet. An'...things ain't so good with us. You sure you even wanna be here?" It broke his heart to think that Jack didn't want to see him, and that he'd rather be in Texas. Jack bit his lip.

"I do wanna be here, Ennis. You know I like bein' out here with you. Just...got a lot on my mind." He moved closer to Ennis and kissed his cheek, trying to cheer himself up and not think about the guilt eating away at him. He felt like he'd cheated on Ennis, even though they weren't really together. He was so in love with this man and yet he'd succumbed to weakness after the rejection. He would never forgive himself for what he'd done.

Ennis nodded, not entirely sure if he believed Jack's words. "Okay. You wanna go huntin' today or you just wanna stay here? I don't mind..." He enjoyed hunting, but he didn't mind staying here if Jack wanted to.

"Yeah...don't think I'm up to huntin' right now," Jack agreed, and he rested his head on Ennis's shoulder. If his time in Mexico had taught him anything, it was that nothing could touch his feelings for Ennis. He would always love this man no matter what else he got up to when they were apart. "Ennis?"

"Yeah, darlin'?" Ennis replied, thinking that right now he would do anything to make Jack happy. He owed him that much.

"Can we go lie down in the tent? Just...stay there a while?" He needed to lie down with Ennis, even if they didn't have sex. He just wanted Ennis to hold him and make him feel better about everything, for just a few moments.

Ennis nodded. "Sure, bud." They finished their breakfast and then headed back into the tent, getting under the sheet and moving close together. Ennis wasn't entirely sure what Jack wanted right now, but he would give him anything if it meant that things could be normal between them. "You gonna be okay?"

"Think so," Jack replied, finding Ennis's hand and holding it in his own. "I know you feel bad about turnin' me away, an' I know why you did it. Just ain't easy to deal with."

Ennis moved in close and cupped Jack's cheek. "I'm so sorry, bud," he murmured, trying to put a smile back on that beloved face. "You gotta know how sorry I am for doin' that. I just got scared an' I didn't handle it well..." He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "Please, darlin'...I don't like it when we're like this..."

Jack sighed and closed his eyes, covering Ennis's hand with his own. "I don't, either..." He wanted to tell Ennis the truth, to get it off his chest if nothing else, but he was terrified of Ennis's reaction. What if he didn't want to meet up anymore because he couldn't forgive him? "Ennis...we can try to move past it. Won't be easy...but..."

"I know, darlin'. Come here..." He tentatively kissed Jack, feeling the warm, soft lips against his and was relieved when Jack didn't pull away. Jack meant so much to him and if he could go back to that day, he wouldn't have turned Jack away. He would have asked him to wait so they could talk. But the damage was done and there was no way back now. All they could do was try to move forward.

After a few emotional kisses, they broke apart and Ennis could see how vulnerable Jack was feeling. How he could he have hurt this wonderful man whose only crime was to want to live with him? He knew deep down that Jack loved him, and this was how he treated Jack. He was mentally kicking himself for the look on Jack's face; the one that he'd put there because he was a coward. "Jack..."

"I'm okay," Jack whispered, shaking his head. "Just...I'm the one with a lot on my mind right now." Ennis sighed and moved even closer, putting an arm around Jack.

"We don't gotta do nothin', bud. We can just do this...you can go back to sleep if you want." He didn't think he could handle it if Jack got upset; the sight would tear into his heart and he would hate himself for causing such pain. "Come on...I'm here..."

Jack closed his eyes and held onto Ennis, thankful to have this man holding him. He wanted to stay here forever, with the other half of his soul.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

_February 1977_

Jack got out of his truck and looked around; he'd followed the directions Ennis had sent with his last postcard and now here he was. It was a beautiful log cabin that Ennis told him belonged to a work friend - someone called Don Wroe. He wondered why Ennis had done this and could only think that he was trying to make up for what had happened last year.

He had the feeling that Ennis thought he was mad at him for it all, and that was why he'd been so quiet lately. The truth was...Jack was still feeling guilty for what he'd gone and done. He could barely look Ennis in the eye these days.

Just as he was trying to sort out his muddled thoughts, he saw the front door of the cabin open and Ennis stepped out, smiling at him. Jack smiled back, surprised at how easy it came to him. Maybe things would be alright after all.

"Hey," he called up the steps as Ennis descended them. He'd missed Ennis a lot over the holiday season, and was willing to try and move past recent events. He still loved Ennis and even now, would move in with him if he was asked. He just couldn't stay mad at this man.

"Hey, bud," Ennis replied as he reached Jack, and outstretched his arms. Jack went into them willingly, and allowed himself to be held by his strong cowboy. "You doin' okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." Jack looked up at the cabin before him, already liking this trip. "What's all this about?"

Ennis broke away. "Just...wanted to do somethin' special. Thought you'd like us havin' a bed for once, an' not have to sleep on that cold ground."

Jack smiled and kissed his cheek. "I love it, cowboy. This looks great." Ennis lowered his head, pleased that he could put a smile back on Jack's face.

"Alright. You can get yer stuff an' I'll help you get it up there." Jack nodded and they let go of each other, turning to Jack's truck. Ennis knew he had to be very careful right now; he never wanted to make Jack angry with him ever again.

They got Jack's things up the steps and into the cabin, and Jack looked around appreciatively. "This sure does look good...you said it belongs to a work friend?"

"Yep," Ennis replied, nodding. "Told him I wanted to take a trip up here for some fishin' with a friend. He didn't ask no questions, an' said I was welcome to use it."

"Great." With Jack's things in the bedroom, Ennis slid his arms around Jack from behind, making Jack grin despite himself. "What's this?"

"Missed you," Ennis breathed in his ear, squeezing him. Jack wished he could erase his memories of Mexico; every time Ennis touched him he felt like a liar and a cheat. He didn't understand why he didn't feel like this when thinking of Lureen. Technically, he was cheating on her but it didn't feel that way because he didn't love her. He did love Ennis, and he felt terrible for what he'd done.

"I missed you too," he replied, sighing. They stayed like that for a while, echoing the dozy embrace by the fire many years ago. Jack had felt so safe and loved in Ennis's arms, and now things were so messed up that he didn't know what to do. Despite Ennis being divorced, Jack knew that he couldn't press the issue of living together. He couldn't force Ennis into something he might not be ready for; that was unfair and would only drive a wedge between them. Ennis could end up resenting him for pushing him into it too soon.

"You hungry?" Ennis murmured after a while, and Jack nodded.

"Yeah, kinda. What've we got?"

"Come on, bud." Ennis released him and took his hand, leading him back out into the main room. The kitchen was at the back and Jack noted how well-kept it was. He knew he would enjoy this trip despite everything, especially the prospect of being in a bed with Ennis. They hadn't had that since the motel in 1967.

Ennis cooked them some bacon and eggs, with plenty of coffee. They ate at the small table and allowed their feet to touch lazily, which put a shy smile on both faces. Jack loved this aspect of their trips, where they could tell each other without words how they really felt. He wished that they could read each other's minds; then they could say the words and everything would be okay. He'd considered just telling Ennis that he loved him, but he was scared of what the reaction might be.

"What're you thinkin'?" Ennis asked him, seeing how distracted Jack appeared to be. He didn't think that Jack was angry with him anymore, but something still seemed off about him. He was different from the young, carefree rodeo rider he'd fallen in love with. Something just wasn't right.

"Nothin'," Jack replied, shaking his head. "Just...after this, can we...?" He hesitated, wondering if it was too soon. But Ennis nodded.

"Sure we can, bud. Ain't no problem...you know that." He covered Jack's hand with his own and smirked at him. "I wanna try out that bed, too." Jack smiled weakly and returned to his food. He wanted to try out the bed, but that wasn't why he asked. He needed Ennis to hold him and make him forget what he'd done; he would always need that from Ennis because he would always feel guilty about it.

They made love very slowly that morning, with Ennis holding Jack close as he wanted him to. Ennis could sense how much Jack needed this, and he did everything to show Jack he loved him. As they moved together, both were thinking the same thing.

_I love you so much...an' I'm so sorry about what happened. Can't stand the thought of you bein' mad at me...hope you can forgive me for what I've done._


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

_May 1977_

It had been fourteen years since they had met in Signal, and the two men were wrapped around each other in the tent, celebrating the anniversary. For the most part, Jack had been able to swallow down his guilt about Mexico, and just concentrate on being here with Ennis. This was the man he loved and nothing would ever change that.

Ennis noticed that Jack was almost his usual self on this trip, and he hoped that they were finally past the dark cloud of his divorce. He still wasn't exactly sure what had happened there; had Jack really felt so bad about that day? Ennis didn't like to think about how much he had hurt Jack by sending him away; it would only make him hate himself.

He pushed the thought away as Jack kissed his neck, as if he was trying to brand him. Right now, Ennis would have gone along with anything Jack wanted to do; he just wanted to keep him happy. "Darlin'...you sure seem better than before..."

Jack pulled his lips away and nodded, breathing deeply. "Guess so. Had some time to think on it all...an'...I know it ain't all yer fault that you had to send me away last year. I know you was just scared an'...I shoulda asked you before I came tearin' up here."

Ennis cupped his cheeks. "Let's not talk 'bout it, bud. Won't do no good to keep goin' in circles...come here." He brought Jack's lips to his and felt Jack sighing into his mouth, the warm air caressing his tongue and sending shockwaves through him. He wished that they could be together every day for the rest of their lives, but he was terrified of someone hurting Jack because of it. He just couldn't lose Jack after everything they'd been through; it would be like losing a vital part of himself.

"I know it won't do no good," Jack said as he came up for air, sweat forming on his forehead as lust crept up on him. "Best to just let it lie...maybe you could bang it right outta me..."

"Mmm, maybe..." Ennis kissed him hard and grabbed his ass in two handfuls, making Jack squirm with delight.

"Fuck me, Ennis...please," he murmured in his lover's ear, needing to have this man inside him right now. It was the only way he could forget certain things; events that he wished had never happened.

"You got it, bud," Ennis replied, rolling them both over until he was on top and pinning Jack down. Both were hard and ready, their pulses throbbing throughout their bodies and hearts full of love. "You want it?"

"Yeah," Jack groaned, shifting his hips. Ennis trailed a hand down his stomach, keeping his touch light because he knew it drove Jack crazy. Jack bucked and let his head fall back to the sheet, unable to think clearly. "Ennis..." he moaned, biting his lip. When Ennis teased him like this, he was unable to do anything but just lie there and take it, praying that Ennis would take him soon.

"Tell me what you want," Ennis whispered, very glad that they were able to be like this again. Things had been very shaky lately, and he'd missed this fun, amorous side of their trips. "Tell me, Jack..."

"Fuck me," Jack half-growled, bucking again when Ennis's fingers brushed his erection. He was already leaking and he knew he wouldn't last long if Ennis kept this up. "Please, now!"

Ennis took mercy on him and moved his hand away, allowing Jack to breathe as he prepared himself. He looked down at the man before him, who could barely even move for how aroused he was. Ennis was pleased that he could still do this to Jack.

He lifted Jack's legs and pushed in smoothly, drawing a sigh out of Jack. "Thank God...thought I was gonna burst if you didn't do it soon." He wrapped his legs around Ennis's hips as the other man buried himself in deep, feeling complete at last. Ennis laced their fingers together and held Jack's hands above his head, knowing that it gave Jack a thrill when he completely took over.

He kept his movements swift and sure, sensing that Jack had had enough teasing for one go. It only took a few thrusts before he felt Jack shooting at his stomach, the warm fluid covering him. Ennis continued to thrust until he too was done and had filled Jack up, and then he collapsed onto his worn-out lover.

"Fuck," Jack breathed, staring up at the roof of the tent. "That was somethin' else, cowboy. Knew I wasn't gonna last long with you touchin' me like that...but I sure ain't complainin'."

"Good," Ennis replied as he pulled out, and he rolled off Jack onto his own side. "You doin' okay over there?"

"Mmm," Jack moaned in response, sounding very satisfied with what he'd just received. "I'm on cloud nine, bud. You drive me fuckin' crazy, you know that?"

"Thought you already was," Ennis said with a grin, and he was rewarded with the wonderful sound of Jack laughing; he'd missed that. "Hey, yer laughin'...been a while since I heard that."

Jack looked at him, his eyes full of love. There was no mistaking the emotion in those deep blue eyes, and Ennis couldn't help but look back into them. "I know. It's been kinda weird lately...but I'm gonna be alright. As long as I can still see you...that's all I care about." He shuffled over and Ennis put an arm around him, kissing his forehead.

"Glad to hear it, darlin'. You fallin' asleep on me?" he asked when he noticed Jack sinking down next to him. Jack nodded.

"Reckon so," he mumbled, tiredness taking over his body and sleep calling to him. "That alright with you?"

"Sure. I'll be here when you wake up," Ennis said softly, and Jack smiled.

"Sounds good to me, cowboy." He closed his eyes and dreamed of the man he loved; the one who was holding him so tightly as if he never wanted to let him go.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

_October 1977_

Jack's thirty-fourth birthday would be in just a few days, so he and Ennis were taking their fall trip early so they could celebrate. He had to admit that things were getting better for them; they hadn't argued at all on the last couple of trips and they were relatively happy with what they had.

Despite what had been happening over the last eighteen months, Jack still loved Ennis as much as he ever did. But he was starting to become less convinced that they would end up living together one day. He would always hope that it would happen and he would never give up on Ennis, but he wasn't entirely certain anymore that Ennis could overcome his fears.

He missed Ennis terribly when they were apart, and had more than once contemplated having something on the side down in Texas; just someone to take his mind off things. But every time he thought about it, he would remember Mexico and how horrible he'd felt about doing that. It still felt like he'd cheated on Ennis and that feeling would only get worse if he followed through on what he was considering. If Ennis ever found out, that would be the end for them.

"What're you thinkin' on over there?" Ennis asked as they ate their lunch. Jack had brought some soup tins with him and they were enjoying the hot food in this weather. Ennis was convinced that it would start snowing soon; he hoped it would be before they left because he loved playing with Jack in the snow. It reminded him of their youth when things between them were so good; that seemed to have dissolved as they got older.

"Nothin'," Jack replied, shaking his head. "Just...thinkin' about my birthday. Reckon Bobby's gonna make somethin' at school again. He's gotten into that."

Ennis nodded, thinking. He wasn't too comfortable with talking about their kids out here, not when they frequently dropped their pants for each other. He just felt uneasy about talking about the kids when he and Jack were here to have sex; it tapped into that part of his brain that still felt guilty about cheating on a woman who'd done him no wrong and who had only tried to love him. He tried not to think about any of that when he was here with Jack. "Oh..."

Jack sighed. "Anyway...let's talk about somethin' else. Um..." He smiled. "So did ya get me somethin' for my birthday?"

The smile on his face made Ennis want to kiss him right there, but he restrained himself - for now. "Sure did. Ain't much, but...I reckon you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will," Jack replied sincerely. He knew he would love it because it was from Ennis; that was all he needed to know. "What is it?"

Ennis moved over to sit next to Jack, soup in hand. "Well...it's somethin' I made. I actually made it on Brokeback when I was bored one day, but I forgot about it. Was goin' through my things a few months ago an' saw it there...thought you might wanna have it." At Jack's expectant look, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small wooden figure of a horse and rider. He could remember making this, having been inspired by watching Jack on that mare. "Here you go, bud."

Jack took it, examining the detail and feeling happiness creep into his stomach. Ennis had given him this; something he'd made up on Brokeback when they were so young. It was almost like a time capsule; a reminder of how things had started for them. "Ennis, I...wow," he managed, looking up at the man he loved. Ennis was looking away shyly, but Jack kissed his cheek and made sure that Ennis saw him smiling. "This is great, thank you." Ennis smiled back at him.

"You like it?" he asked, like he was unsure. Jack nodded and looked over it again.

"I sure do...you made this on Brokeback?"

"Yep. Before...things started with us. I saw you tryin' to ride that mare, an'...I found this block of wood so..." He shrugged. "It was just to pass the time, but when I saw it a few months ago I thought I might give it to you for yer birthday."

"So you was watchin' me, even then," Jack said quietly, smiling softly at him, and Ennis shrugged.

"Well...guess so. But I didn't think on it then...never thought it meant anythin' to look at you." At the time, he hadn't allowed himself to consider that he was attracted to Jack; that he was simply watching because Jack was the first real friend he'd had and he'd wanted to make sure Jack was okay up on that mare. But now he knew in his heart that he'd been watching for another reason. He had started to become attracted to the other man, and he had been watching because he'd been curious about him.

"Right," Jack replied, hearing the words that Ennis wasn't saying. Clearly, Ennis knew now that he'd been watching because of a growing curiosity and the blossoming of feelings. Jack knew the feeling well, for he'd been going through the same thing at the time. He appreciated that they could look at each other now, as much as they wanted without awkward words and silences. "Well...I really like this, Ennis. Thank you."

They returned to their food, both of them thinking about those days of summer up on Brokeback and how good they had been. Both of them wanted to go back to those days when they had little to care about except each other. While they were more mature now and could handle things better, they still yearned for their lost youth. Ennis in particular wished that they could go back to that last day, so that he wouldn't punch Jack and wouldn't turn away from him in Signal. He would regret that as long as he lived, for he was the one who had done this to them.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

_February 1978_

Valentine's Day had been a few days ago, so Ennis and Jack were taking their trip in order to try and make up for not spending the day together. Ennis had missed Jack so much on the day, and had even considered calling him to let him know how he felt. But every time he'd looked at the phone and considered it, he remembered Earl's mutilated body and his fears of Jack meeting the same fate.

As a result, he was trying to make it up to Jack by being particularly loving towards him; as best he could anyway. Showing affection towards anybody had never been easy for him, not even Jack, but he did try because he knew Jack appreciated it.

After lunch during their trip, the pair of them set off walking through the trees. Ennis had shyly taken Jack's hand as they walked, and he kept glancing at the other man, wondering what was going through his mind. Jack had seemed to be okay after the disaster of his divorce and the rejection, but now Ennis wasn't so sure.

"You okay?" he asked, nudging Jack slightly and hoping to see a smile beneath that moustache; he'd gotten used to it lately. But it took Jack a few moments before responding.

"Uh, yeah. Why?" he replied, and Ennis could tell that he was distracted. In reality, Jack was again thinking of finding someone down in Texas to keep him occupied when he was without Ennis. Lureen barely spoke to him these days, and sometimes he craved to have sex with a man while he was down there. He didn't want to go down to Mexico anymore, and he was headed down a slippery slope.

"You just...been pretty quiet lately," Ennis said, squeezing his hand. "What's wrong?"

Jack shook his head. "Nothin'. Just doin' some thinkin'." He did his best to smile, and pushed away his dark thoughts of betraying Ennis like that. He didn't want to do it, but he might have to if things carried on like this. He bit his lip. "Ennis..."

"It's okay," Ennis cut him off, shaking his head as they stopped. "We don't gotta talk..." He leaned in close and saw Jack's deep blue eyes fill with uncertainty. Maybe Jack was wondering how much longer things would go on like this; they had been going on these trips for eleven years now, and nothing much had changed. Both still wanted to be together permanently, but Ennis was still too scared of the repercussions if someone found out.

"But, I..." Jack tried, wondering what Ennis would say or do if he voiced his inner thoughts. Maybe Ennis would get angry, but maybe it would knock some sense into him. If he told Ennis why he was having these thoughts (because he missed him so much), then perhaps Ennis would realise that they needed to be together. "I, um..."

"Shh..." Ennis leaned in even closer and gently placed a kiss on Jack's lips, somehow knowing that Jack was feeling conflicted over something. He didn't want Jack to ask him again about living together; he hated the look on Jack's face when he said no. Ennis didn't like hurting Jack at all; not when he loved him so much.

When their lips parted, Jack didn't feel much better. He knew that Ennis was trying to cheer him up, and he tried to ignore his thoughts. "Well...feel a little better," he tried to convince both Ennis and himself, and he smiled. "Let's keep goin'." They continued walking, hand in hand amongst the trees and each lost in his own thoughts.

They reached a tree stump and sat down, Ennis putting his arm around Jack's waist. He liked keeping Jack close; he could be sure that Jack was safe here. When they were apart, Ennis often worried for Jack's safety down in Texas. Even though nobody knew about them down there (he figured that Alma wouldn't do anything despite knowing about them), he also knew that Jack and Lureen had money and were probably well-known. What if somebody robbed Jack on the road and beat him up for those reasons? Worse still, what if it happened when Jack was on his way north? Ennis would never forgive himself.

"Jack...you ain't still pissed at me, are ya?" he asked softly, and Jack shook his head.

"No, I ain't. I'm past that now, Ennis. Just...other stuff. You know I miss you when we ain't out here, an'...I ain't gonna ask you to run off with me. I know how it is with us...some things just can't change."

"I'm sorry," Ennis sighed, rubbing his back. "Wish they could, rodeo. You know I do."

"Yeah, I do." Jack wanted to believe that Ennis would say yes if things were different, but he wasn't sure anymore. Eleven years of asking, and nothing had happened. Jack often considered divorcing Lureen and moving back up north to be closer to Ennis, but he liked having the safety and security right now. He would lose that if he left her and would be left to defend himself in the cold plains of Wyoming. Even if he moved near Ennis, that was no guarantee that they could be together. If he was going to leave Lureen and Texas, he needed to be sure that he was heading for a future with Ennis. Right now, he needed to stay put.

"I...I miss you somethin' awful, darlin'. You gotta know that." Jack turned to him, a sad smile on his face. They were still caught up in this cycle of longing for each other and yet not moving anywhere, and the worst part was knowing that there was nothing they could do about it. They just had to keep on going and hope that somehow, things would change and they could be together. Jack just hoped that it was soon, before he crossed the line and did something he would regret for the rest of his life.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

_May 1978_

It had now been fifteen years since they had met, but both men felt like time was dragging on. As much as they enjoyed meeting up and even though they knew that they needed this, things were getting harder for them.

Jack had been having more thoughts about finding someone to pass the time with when he wasn't with Ennis, but he hadn't done anything. He hadn't decided yet if he ever would; he couldn't very well go around asking if anybody was interested; that was a sure-fire way of getting himself into danger. There were some very unfriendly people in Texas who would kill him if they knew the truth.

As he lay on his back in the tent, Jack found his mind wandering to the man beside him. Ennis was the love of his life and Jack didn't want to betray him, but he was growing tired of missing Ennis during their time apart. Jack knew that he needed regular sex with a man; he was queer and that was it. But since he couldn't be with Ennis more often, there was only really one solution. Could he really cross the line and do it? Would Ennis ever forgive him if he found out?

He sighed and rolled over, curling up on his side and wishing that he could just fall asleep and be ready to face the next day. They were supposed to be having fun on these trips, and not just sex, but he felt increasingly unhappy as time passed.

Jack jumped when he felt Ennis's arm slide around his stomach. "Bud? What're you doin' awake?" Ennis mumbled in his ear, voice thick with sleep. "You okay?"

He shrugged. "Just can't sleep. Doin' some thinkin'." He swallowed. "About...how much I miss you when we ain't here."

Ennis rubbed his stomach. "I know, darlin'. But we're here now...can't you try an' cheer up?"

"Sorry if I'm bringin' you down," Jack snapped, moving out of Ennis's embrace and immediately regretting it. He sat up and rubbed his face, and Ennis was staring at him. Jack didn't often lose his temper.

"Jack..."

"I'm sorry, okay?" Jack told him, turning back to glance at his lover. "Didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"It's alright," Ennis replied, gently placing a hand on his back. "An' you ain't bringin' me down when you get like this. I'm thinkin' of you...don't like seein' you miserable." He was still unsure when it came to tender words and affection, but Jack needed it right now. "Sure am sorry if I'm doin' this to you..."

Jack turned his head and kissed Ennis on the cheek, to his surprise. "Don't worry about it, cowboy." He then hesitated. "Can we, um...?"

"Sure, darlin'." Ennis leaned in and kissed him as warmly as he could, trying to make Jack feel better about whatever was bothering him. If sex would do the trick, then that was what he would do for Jack.

They sank back down to the bedroll and started exploring each other with their hands and tongues. Both were already naked from their earlier coupling, so the fires inside them re-ignited as they kissed, Ennis rolling himself on top of Jack. He wished he could be there for Jack all of the time, helping him whenever he needed it, but it just wasn't possible.

He pushed these thoughts away and nipped at Jack's neck, knowing that Jack liked it when he did that. "God, Ennis...feels good..."

"Mmm..." Ennis slid his hand down Jack's body and brushed his erection, wondering what exactly Jack wanted to do. "What d'you want, darlin'? Tell me..."

"Want you inside me," Jack whispered. "From the side." Ennis nodded and allowed Jack to turn onto his side, then settled down behind him and into position.

"When yer ready, bud," he murmured, rubbing Jack's shoulder. Jack nodded and closed his eyes, needing Ennis to complete him and banish his thoughts of betrayal. He didn't want to do it, for it would mean nothing compared to Ennis, but he had physical needs that Lureen just couldn't meet. He just didn't know what to do anymore.

Ennis slicked himself up and rose up slightly, pushing Jack down gently onto the bedroll and straddling one leg so that he could get a good angle. Jack bit his lip and spread his legs slightly, longing for this man to be inside him. Nobody had ever made him feel as good as Ennis did, and nobody ever would.

Slowly, Ennis pushed himself inside Jack and waited until his lover relaxed, prepared to take this at whatever pace Jack was comfortable with. "You okay?" he asked softly, and Jack nodded.

"Yeah, go on." Ennis started moving, but he had to wonder if he was making Jack feel any better about everything. Sex was always good between them, but he wanted to make Jack happy and he hoped he was. The one thing that would make Jack truly happy was the one thing Ennis couldn't give him, and he hated that reality. He wished that things could be different.

"Feelin' okay?" he whispered, for Jack was giving no indication that he was enjoying this. He was just lying there and taking it. "Jack?"

"I'm okay," he replied, brushing aside his dark thoughts and concentrating on Ennis. He started pushing back to meet the gentle thrusts, and pleasure began drifting over him. "Mmm...sure does feel good, cowboy."

Ennis kissed the back of his neck and started fondling him, hoping to draw some intimacy out of the moment. Jack let out a shuddering gasp and realised that no matter what happened, he would always love Ennis and that would never change.

Their climax was unusually silent, but Jack felt it all in his heart. This man would always be with him, and his was the face that Jack would see no matter who he was with. If he closed his eyes during the times ahead, he could imagine that Ennis was there with him.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

_December 1978_

Ennis and Jack were huddled together in the tent, initially for warmth but they had soon discovered that there were other benefits to this. Jack liked being close to Ennis in the close quarters of the tent; his lover was always so warm and comforting.

But he couldn't sleep during this trip. His mind was in turmoil over what had occurred at the charity dinner in Childress a few months ago. He'd thought that he and Lureen were just giving a ride to a pair of neighbours, and he hadn't seen anything else coming. He'd actually been propositioned and didn't know what to do.

The man reminded him of Ennis somewhat, but even then Jack knew that nobody could compare to his strong, dependable cowboy. The part of him that missed Ennis when they were apart told him to just go for it; to have his needs met until the next trip. But his heart kept telling him no; that it was a bad idea and he would regret it for the rest of his life. Despite he and Ennis technically not being together, he still felt like he would be betraying Ennis if he did it. Jack hated being caught up in this, and wished more than ever that Ennis would change his mind about living together. It was the only thing that could salvage their relationship before Jack destroyed it completely.

He sighed and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He knew he would never get to sleep right now; there were just too many thoughts running through his mind and he couldn't switch off. Jack looked back at Ennis; he looked so peaceful and Jack knew that Ennis could never find out about this, even if he didn't go through with it. It would kill what they had.

Jack pulled on his parka and silently left the tent, needing some fresh air and to clear his mind. He sat on the log by the dying fire and looked up at the vast sky littered with stars. It was perfect despite the chill, and he wished he were looking at this from the back porch of a ranch run by the two of them; a house of their own.

_How do you decide whether or not to betray someone? _he thought miserably. _I don't wanna do it, but...I just miss him so much when we're apart an' Lureen can't do what he can. I need to feel someone...inside me an' Ennis ain't around all the time to do it. It's the only way...but I know I'm gonna regret it just like with Mexico. An' if I do it...what about our next trip? Could I look him in the eye after that? Will he know just by lookin' at me?_

He heard soft footsteps behind him and realised that Ennis was awake; he hadn't wanted to disturb him. Ennis sat down next to him, pulling the blanket around both of them.

"Hey...what's wrong?" he whispered, pulling Jack close. "Can't sleep?" Jack had been acting very strange on this trip, even more so than the last, and Ennis wasn't sure why. Something was definitely bothering him, and Ennis just wanted to know what it was so he could maybe try and help, or at least offer Jack comfort.

"Lot on my mind," Jack replied, and he realised that he said that a lot these days. He looked at Ennis, so calm and beautiful in the moonlight, and he swallowed past a lump in his throat. He was still so much in love with this man, yet here he was contemplating a betrayal. He would never forgive himself if he did it.

He leaned in and kissed Ennis firmly, and Ennis was taken aback at the vigour with which Jack attacked his mouth. He kissed back but could sense Jack's desperation, wondering what on earth was going on.

They pulled apart and Jack was breathing heavily, stuck between wanting to tell Ennis his thoughts and yet fearful of Ennis's reaction. Their eyes met and Jack's lip trembled; his heart was aching with the sheer volume of emotion inside him. Ennis saw his misery and cupped his cheeks, staring into Jack's deep eyes that were clearly full of woe.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly. "C'mon, Jack...this ain't like you. Somethin's botherin' you an' I wanna know what. Is it just...'cos of us not bein' together that often? I know that gets to you..." He wished that things could be different, but he just couldn't risk losing Jack like that.

Jack shook his head. "Just...the whole thing. Missin' you...wishin' we could..." He bit his lip; he just couldn't tell Ennis what was going on down in Texas. If Ennis didn't kill him for it, he would at least refuse to keep meeting him. Jack thought that Ennis killing him was actually preferable to not being together; at least then he wouldn't suffer anymore. "Just really gets to me sometimes an' I get lonely down there. Me an' Lureen...that ain't goin' nowhere an' yer up here most of the time."

"Darlin'..." Ennis sighed and pulled Jack into his arms, unaware of Jack's real inner turmoil. He hadn't yet contemplated the possibility of Jack with someone else; that thought hadn't entered his mind for he was sure that Jack wasn't queer, just like he wasn't. He tried not to think about all of that, and he had no idea just how much Jack was suffering. "It's okay...we're here now, an' for the next few days. I'm here, bud." He kissed the side of Jack's head and sent up a prayer to whoever might be listening that things would change for them soon; that they could be together and this misery would end.

He got Jack back into the tent and spooned around him, rubbing Jack's stomach until he finally fell asleep. They were headed down a slippery slope towards the end, and Ennis had to wonder if they would make it in one piece or encounter an obstacle that they couldn't overcome.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

_March 1979_

Jack barely heard Ennis as he talked about the horses on the ranch where he worked; his mind was in turmoil over what he'd done. Just after Christmas, he'd caved and done the one thing he'd been terrified to do; he'd been with someone else other than Ennis.

He had run into the ranch neighbour and accepted the invitation of going out for a beer. The next thing he knew, they were in a motel room, and Jack tried to block out the memories before they ate into his gut. He felt so guilty, even more so than how he felt about Lureen; this was different because he loved Ennis.

He felt absolutely nothing for this other guy, but he'd caved in because he couldn't stand the loneliness anymore. It wasn't much of an excuse, but it was the only one he had. He just didn't know what to do now; Ennis was so blissfully unaware of his guilt and Jack didn't want to hurt him. He'd laid down some ground rules, at least; no kissing and only from behind. It was the only way he could pretend that it was Ennis there with him.

"Jack?" Ennis asked when the latter didn't reply to him. "Bud?" Jack blinked and looked at him.

"Oh...sorry, cowboy. Was a million miles away then..."

Ennis peered at him. "You look like somethin's really eatin' at ya. Somethin' happen down in Texas since I last saw ya?"

"No, not really," Jack lied, trembling slightly. He was so scared of Ennis finding out; he wouldn't mind it so much if Ennis hit him, but he couldn't stand it if Ennis decided that he didn't want to meet up anymore. That would hurt him far worse than any punch. "I'm okay."

"You sure don't look it," Ennis replied, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You feelin' okay?"

"Kinda travel sick," Jack said, thinking quickly. "Think I'm gonna go lie down...you wanna come with me?"

In other circumstances, Ennis would have been quite aroused at the thought and Jack would have been quite seductive with the words. But things were different here; Jack clearly wasn't after sex just now.

They lay down in the tent and Ennis wrapped an arm over Jack's stomach, staring at him. "Darlin'...you sure yer alright?"

Jack nodded and then looked at him; he needed to forget what he'd done and he wanted Ennis to stake his claim anew. His heart belonged to Ennis and he had to reassure himself of that. He leaned over and kissed his lover, trying not to shake too much. "Ennis...can we...?"

"Sure, bud," Ennis replied, sensing that Jack needed comforting, for whatever reason. He sure was acting strange on this trip. "You sure yer up for it?"

"Yeah...please..." Jack didn't often say that word, so Ennis knew that something was wrong. But if Jack needed him physically, then he would do whatever he had to.

He kissed Jack again and removed his jacket as Jack did the same, eager to connect with the only man he wanted to be with; he couldn't guarantee that something like this would never happen again, but at least he could remind himself of who he loved. That was all he had left now.

When their clothes were in random corners of the tent, Ennis rolled on top of Jack and gazed down at him. "Bud...whatever's botherin' ya...try not to think on it, okay? I'm...I'm here if you need me."

Jack gave a shaky smile and nodded. "I know, cowboy. An' I'm tryin' to...not let it get to me. Come an' make me forget it..." His lips were captured and he finally felt some kind of peace; this was where he wanted to be and he hoped that things would work out for them. Now more than ever, he wanted Ennis to say yes to a sweet life. He could see the road ahead and he didn't like it that much.

Ennis prepared himself while looking down at Jack and then settled between his legs, hoping that he could make Jack feel better. "Just relax, darlin'...ain't gonna hurt ya."

"I know," Jack replied, and he vaguely wondered what might happen when Ennis entered him. Would he somehow know that he wasn't the last person to be there; that someone else had done this? Jack wasn't sure but he was dreading being found out.

But when Ennis pushed himself inside Jack, he felt nothing out of the ordinary. Jack felt as good as ever and was everything that he remembered; just like a home he'd found. He hoped that this home was never taken from him.

He laced their fingers together and started moving, watching Jack's face as he explored him. Jack had his eyes open still, which was unusual; they were usually closed by this point. Ennis didn't know that Jack was keeping them open on purpose; to remind himself that it was Ennis there. He was the only man who had the right to be there, as far as Jack was concerned. They didn't just have sex; they made love and Jack knew that nobody could replace Ennis in his heart.

"Feelin' okay?" Ennis murmured in Jack's ear, and kissed his neck. Jack gave a contented sigh and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm good," he replied, pulling Ennis closer to him and bucking upwards. "Feels good..." Ennis gave a few more thrusts and came inside him, Jack welcoming the branding that he'd been craving. This was what he'd needed for the last couple of months.

He came between them shortly after, the warm sticky fluid hitting Ennis's chest until he was done. They lay there together and Ennis gently stroked Jack's skin.

"Hope yer gonna be okay, darlin'," he whispered, and Jack swallowed past a lump in his throat. "Best time I have is when we're out here together...just wanna see you happy."

Jack nodded, unable to speak. The only way of being happy he could think of was if Ennis agreed to live with him. The way things were, he wasn't too sure that he could be happy ever again.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

_August 1979_

Ennis and Jack were lying in the grass together near the tent, slowly making out and having a good feel of each other in the process. It was just like old times, before things turned sour and Jack made such huge mistakes.

He had seen the ranch neighbour a couple of times since the last trip, but he was learning how to detach himself during these encounters. He told himself that it was just because he was lonely and had no other option when Ennis wasn't around. He visualised Ennis there, pretending that it was him and nobody else. It worked, to some degree, and it helped to simmer down his guilt.

As a result, he was able to engage in moments like this again. He knew he loved Ennis and that was all that mattered; he'd missed just letting go and enjoying these trips. Ennis, for his part, wasn't sure what had happened to make Jack seem like his usual self, but he wasn't complaining. He had so much tension and bad times down in Riverton, so it was a relief for him to come up here and enjoy being with Jack.

He pulled his lips away from Jack's and smiled at him. "Sure am glad you got yer head sorted out, rodeo."

Jack smiled back and laced their fingers together. He would always feel guilty about what he was doing down in Texas, but he pushed it to the back of his mind when with Ennis. It was just sex, but his times with Ennis were so much more and that was what he held on to for his sanity. "Me too, bud. Come back here." He grabbed Ennis's lips again and rolled on top of him, eyes glittering. "Want you in my mouth, cowboy...gonna suck you dry."

Ennis gulped and was rendered speechless when he felt Jack undoing his jeans. "Jesus, Jack...yer crazy..."

_Only for you, _Jack thought to himself as he pulled Ennis's jeans down and grinned wickedly at what he found. "That sure looks painful, Ennis...reckon I can make that swellin' go down." He undid his own jeans so that he could take care of himself at the same time; he didn't want to be leaving unsightly stains on his jeans.

He went to work, wrapping his mouth around Ennis and sucking hard, which drew a groan out of Ennis. "Oh, fuck..." His head fell back to the ground as Jack lavished attention on him, wondering where on earth this had come from. Whatever had been bothering Jack before had clearly been resolved, and he was glad for it. He'd sorely missed how things used to be.

Jack ran a hand along Ennis's lower stomach, knowing that it would be enough to drive Ennis over the edge. Sure enough, he was rewarded with the thick, unique fluid running down his throat and into his heart, it seemed. As strange as that sounded to him, he felt it was true; Ennis had filled him up like nobody else ever could.

He bucked a few times until he himself was done and finally let go of Ennis, hearing the heavy breathing that indicated Ennis's happiness after what they'd just done. He had always loved making Ennis feel good like this, and was very glad that they were getting back on track. They might bitch at each other now and then, but in general they were okay. It felt like they were out of the storm at last.

"Fuck," Ennis gasped as Jack lay back down beside him, a smile on his face. "When was the last time we did that?"

"Couple of trips ago," Jack replied, pushing down the guilt as it reared its ugly head. He couldn't let that man into his thoughts when he was here with Ennis; this was the man he loved. "Anyway...don't wanna talk about that now."

"Me neither," Ennis agreed, and he turned onto his side. He gave a small smile and stroked Jack's cheek with one finger, taking in the deep blue eyes that he could just drown in. Those eyes had captured his heart so many years ago, and he wished that they could stay here forever.

He'd thought the same back in 1963, but then the snow came and ruined everything. If only they had been allowed to stay another month...would that have been enough to make him decide to stay with Jack? Could they have run off together if they'd just had a little more time? If only he'd had time to think and come to a decision...but it had been snatched away from him and now they were suffering for it.

Ennis shook his head and planted a kiss on Jack's lips, his hand now in Jack's hair. Jack sighed against his mouth and was truly glad that they were back to normal. Things weren't perfect, but definitely could be worse, so they were grateful for what they had. "Be right back, bud." Ennis got up and headed for the edge of camp to relieve himself, leaving Jack to stare after him.

He had decided that he wouldn't press the issue of living together, and that he wouldn't try to have any intense conversations with Ennis. It would just spell trouble and he didn't want that. He had enough stress down in Texas, and this was his way of escaping all of it. His heart belonged up in the mountains, with the shy, quiet cowboy he'd fallen for all those years ago.

Jack was seriously considering telling Ennis that he loved him, now more than ever. But he was so uncertain of the reaction. While he was sure that Ennis felt the same, he didn't think it would make things any better. They still might not be able to be together, and it would hurt even more than it did now. All he could do was wait for the winds of change to start blowing around them; to fix everything and allow them to save themselves before it was too late.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

_December 1979_

The snow was falling thick around the tent, but it went unnoticed as Ennis and Jack silently kissed, holding each other close and just waking up.

"Mmm," Jack sighed, pulling his lips away and smiling. "Sure do like wakin' up this way."

Ennis nodded and ran his fingers through Jack's hair. "Me too, bud." Jack closed his eyes at the pleasure he felt when Ennis touched him. He had always loved it when Ennis gave him these touches; it made him feel like he was worth something after all, and that there was somebody who loved him just the way he was. He'd never had to try too hard with Ennis, for the other man had just accepted everything about him.

Still, he knew that he could never tell Ennis about what he got up to down in Texas; it might not mean anything to him but he knew that Ennis would hit the roof if he found out. Jack wanted to keep the peace between them, even if it meant secrets and lies. He would do anything to keep Ennis in his life.

"So," he started, pushing away these thoughts. "I was thinkin'...since it's nearly Christmas, what d'you say we swap our presents?"

Ennis nodded. "Sure, bud." He didn't have much money these days with the child support he had to pay, so he'd taken to making things. He'd always liked whittling wood, so that was what people usually got from him as gifts. "Um, hang on..." He started rummaging through his bags and Jack did the same, hoping that Ennis would like his gift.

They found what they were looking for and turned to each other. Ennis handed his over first, heart hammering in his chest. He wasn't sure why he got so nervous; Jack had always liked his gifts. "Here, Jack..."

Jack took it and unwrapped the plain brown paper; he felt slightly saddened to see just how little Ennis had these days and wished that they could be together. Ennis would never want for anything if they lived together, for Jack would be able to provide everything they needed. He uncovered a wood carving of a bull, something that took him back to his rodeo days, and he grinned. "Ennis...this is great. Thank you..."

"Sure it's okay?" Ennis asked unsurely. "I mean, I just made it myself an' I know that yer probably gonna get lots of flashy stuff down in Childress..." Jack put a hand over his mouth with a soft smile on his face.

"It's great, cowboy. An' yeah, I probably will get some things down there, but...that stuff don't mean much to me. This does, 'cos...it came from you. An' you made it for me, somethin' that I remember from the rodeo. Means more than a new jacket, I can tell ya."

Ennis smiled and looked down, cheeks reddening slightly. It was obvious that Jack loved him, and he wished that they could say the words. But it would only end in disaster so he had to avoid it. "Well...glad you like it, darlin'."

Jack kissed his cheek and handed over his own gift, knowing for sure now that Ennis would like it. It turned out to be a brand new whittling knife, and Ennis stared at it in wonder. "Jack...dunno what to say..."

"Thanks will do," he replied, knowing that Ennis was pleased with his gift; after all these years he could read Ennis very well. "I know you've had that one a long time...figured you might want a new one." Ennis looked up at him and their lips met, softly caressing as the unspoken words of love passed between them. They were so much in love and Jack held onto that thought when they were apart, especially now. He didn't allow thoughts of Childress to enter his mind when he was with Ennis.

"Well...guess that's that. What d'you wanna do now?" he asked Ennis as their hands found each other. Ennis shrugged.

"Dunno. Reckon we oughta get some breakfast, if it ain't completely frozen. An'...maybe we could go for a walk or somethin'," he suggested, and Jack nodded.

"Sounds good." They got dressed and headed outside the tent; the snow had stopped falling by now but the ground was covered in a thick white blanket, and it felt quite romantic. Jack helped Ennis get the food thawed out and managed to get a fire going with his lighter; he might bitch and moan about the cold but he knew one thing for sure. He would rather be here with Ennis than anywhere else right now. He didn't miss the large fireplace in the living room down in Texas, or his warm bed. This was where he belonged, for Ennis was here.

"Fuckin' freezin' out here," Ennis muttered, shivering slightly. Jack moved closer to him where they were sat on the log.

"Might wanna rethink that walk you had planned," he replied, looking around. "Reckon we oughta spend all day in the tent."

"Wouldn't be so bad," Ennis said, and then blushed at his own thoughts. Jack grinned and linked his arm through Ennis's, leaning on his shoulder.

"Sure wouldn't...bet we could keep warm in there. Like our first night together up on Brokeback...remember?"

"I'd never forget that, Jack," Ennis told him, and it was true. That night would be etched into his memory forever, for it had been the start of a love that he would always be part of. Jack was the love of his life, and he would always treasure the nights they'd had together on the mountain in 1963.

"Me neither...won't forget that second night, either. Sure was good...yer a good kisser, ya know." He smiled up at Ennis, who raised his eyebrows.

"Oh yeah?" He kissed Jack a couple of times and poked the fire, pleased with the compliment. Nobody had ever told him that before. Not Jack, not Alma, and not even Cassie. These three people had loved him, and he was only able to love one of them back. If only things could be so much easier.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

_March 1980_

Time was wearing on, and Jack felt increasingly guilty with each trip. Between this one and the last, he'd been to a cabin with the other man he was seeing down in Texas. It was owned by the guy's boss, and Jack had finally agreed to go there.

He'd been sure to let this man know how things were with them; that he was in love with his Wyoming fishing buddy, and this was purely something to pass the time when they were apart. He had made himself clear that it was nothing more than sex; he had to at least try and preserve his love for Ennis.

Jack tried not to focus on this as Ennis moved behind him, getting ready to enter him as they lay in the tent. Ennis was caressing his back and kissing his neck, and Jack normally enjoyed that. But right now, he was riddled with guilt and didn't know what to do. Part of him thought he should tell Ennis the truth, just to get it out if nothing else.

Ennis sensed that something was wrong, and he paused. "Jack? You okay?"

"Yeah, fine," he replied in a low voice that told Ennis he was far from fine. He furrowed his eyebrows.

"You don't sound it...an'...yer a million miles away. You sure yer okay?" He put a gentle, caring hand on Jack's shoulder and Jack had to close his eyes against the emotion building up inside him. He would never forgive himself for what he'd done.

"I just..." He paused. "Can we...do it from the front? I wanna see you..." He needed to see Ennis's face as they became one; to be sure that it was him and that it was okay to let himself go and enjoy the moment. With Ennis, it was so much more than physical pleasure and Jack would never forget that.

"Sure," Ennis replied, wondering what was going on in Jack's head. He was normally okay with being entered from behind, so it was unusual for Jack to request the regular position. And what was that about wanting to see his face?

_Dunno what's goin' on in there, _Ennis thought to himself sadly. _Wish he could tell me...he's been actin' funny for a few years now. Ever since...he came up to Wyomin' after my divorce an' I had to turn him away. Is he still sufferin' from that? Did I hurt him that bad? _

Now it was Ennis's turn to feel guilty, and he realised that he couldn't relax enough tonight to have sex. He sighed. "Can't do it, bud..."

"What? Why?" Jack asked, panicking slightly. Ennis shook his head.

"The way you been actin'...you've got me feelin' guilty. You've been like this since my divorce when I had to send you away. I musta hurt you big time..."

Jack rolled over to face him, feeling even worse than he did before. "No, cowboy...it ain't that. Yeah, you hurt me, but...I'm over that now. Believe me, Ennis...it ain't that."

"Well...somethin's been eatin' at you for a few years now. What's goin' on?" Ennis asked, wondering if Jack would ever tell him or if he would always be guessing. Whatever it was, their relationship was being affected and the trips were becoming worse. Both of them felt spread thin, like they couldn't take much more of their situation. But they also knew that they didn't want to stop seeing each other just because things were difficult.

Jack shook his head. "It's...it's nothin'. I know I've been actin' weird, an'...I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. Can we still...?"

Ennis lowered his eyes. "Don't reckon I can do it...ain't feelin' up to it now. Sorry, darlin'." The endearment shot into Jack's heart, and he swallowed.

"Okay..." He rolled back over and curled up, trying to ignore the stinging in his eyes. He didn't care that he was in his thirties; he didn't handle disappointment well, especially when Ennis was the one causing it. Ennis sensed his misery and wrapped an arm around him.

"Bud...I'm sorry. You know I don't like it when we're like this. Didn't mean to upset you..."

Jack was running a finger along the edge of the sheets. "I know...but you still did. Can't get mad at you, though...ain't got the energy." He pulled Ennis's arm tighter around himself and sighed. "Let's just get some sleep. Maybe we'll feel better tomorrow."

Ennis kissed the back of his neck and settled down, hoping that Jack was right. What on earth had happened to them?

Neither of them slept much that night; both were trying to shut down but memories and thoughts kept coming back to them. Both felt very guilty over their actions and Jack was wondering what was going to happen to them. He loved Ennis so much and yet he'd betrayed him, and he dreaded the moment when Ennis found out. He wouldn't mind a sucker punch; that was better than Ennis refusing to meet him anymore.

Ennis gently stroked Jack's stomach as he tried to drop off, thinking about everything they'd been through so far, and about the future. Maybe Jack was right; they would be better off if they got together. But his fears were ruling his heart right now; he couldn't guarantee that they would be able to live in peace.

_Sure wish we could, darlin'. Then I could tell you how I'm feelin'. That...I love you. Reckon if I just told you that anyway, it'd make a difference. Then you'd know how much I wanna live with you. Please, Jack...keep comin' back until I figure out how to fix this. Don't wanna be without you, bud._

He finally closed his eyes, but their dreams were fitful and they kept waking up during the night. Jack ended up on his other side facing Ennis, and he silently watched his lover sleep with an expression of great sadness on his face. He just didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel just yet, and wondered if he ever would.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

_September 1980_

Jack was getting frustrated; it had been so many years since he'd first asked Ennis to live with him, but nothing seemed to have changed. They were no closer to being together than they had been back then, and he didn't know what to do anymore.

He sat on a log by the fire while Ennis collected water from the river, thinking about everything and wondering if it was time for a change. He still felt guilty about what he did when they were apart, and he knew that the only way to cure this feeling was for him and Ennis to get together.

He looked up as Ennis came back and squared himself, preparing to talk to Ennis about their situation. It was uncomfortable for both of them, but he knew what he wanted and that it was best for both of them. "Ennis?"

"Yeah, bud?" Ennis replied as he set the water down. Jack stood up, bracing himself.

"Wanna talk to you...about all this. You thought any more about us...livin' together? I mean...you ain't married no more an' I could divorce Lureen if-"

"Jack," Ennis cut him off, not liking where this was going. He'd always hated having to turn Jack down out of pure fear, and he knew how much Jack hated it. "Don't, okay? I don't wanna talk about that."

"But we gotta," Jack protested, moving closer. "It's been thirteen years since I first asked...I was just thinkin' that somethin' mighta changed by now. The world's changin', Ennis...I hear it all the time in Texas...like people in the cities..."

Ennis turned away; he didn't want to admit who he was, not even to Jack. He could barely hold it in his mind; he was just so scared of what might happen to them if they were found out.

"Jack...just don't. Maybe things are different in them big cities, but...up here an' where we live...it just don't fly. I told you about Earl an' Rich."

"That was nearly thirty years ago, Ennis!" Jack reminded him, sounding exasperated. "I just said, things are changin'. Can we at least talk about it?"

Ennis shook his head. "Can't, Jack. Ain't nothin' to say that'll change things. Could still happen to one of us if we..." He trailed off, trying not to think about a life with Jack and how perfect it could be. It was simply too much to hope that everything would be okay.

"Damn it, Ennis," Jack cursed, folding his arms. He was running out of energy to even try with this man; maybe they would be better off with just these occasional trips. At least out here, Ennis was willing to just go along with things. They could talk, laugh and make love whenever they wanted. Or at least, they used to before things got so bad. "Things used to be so good with us...what the fuck happened?"

Ennis didn't reply, but he thought about it. They'd been in pretty much the same place for so long that they were growing frustrated, and the endless longing for each other was driving them crazy. There just didn't seem to be a way out. "Dunno, bud. Reckon that...we've been like this so many years...gettin' to us now."

Jack lowered his eyes and sighed inwardly; they loved each other and yet they were hurting because society said they couldn't be together. Worse still, they were causing each other pain. He didn't like what time and pain was doing to them.

He thought for a moment, and then came up behind Ennis, biting his lip. "Bud...look at me." Ennis slowly turned to face him, looking dejected and worn out. Jack sighed. "I'm sorry...I know this ain't easy for you..."

"Wish things could be different," Ennis murmured, trembling slightly. "You gotta know I do..."

"I do too," Jack replied, wrapping his arms around Ennis's waist and pulling him close. Ennis held him in return, just enjoying the feel of Jack in his arms. They hadn't done a lot of holding each other lately; even sex was less passionate than usual these days. Both of them were very tired, and didn't see how they could ever be together when the world would hate them so much for it.

Jack buried his face in Ennis's neck and breathed in his scent as if it was oxygen and he needed it to breathe. He only felt half-alive when they were apart and he knew in his heart that he belonged with this man. If only they could be together; Jack knew he could make Ennis happy every day, and that Ennis could make him happy. They might be successful ranchers, and could be better fathers to their children if they were happy. And in time, maybe Alma and Lureen would come to forgive them.

But this was how things were, and it ate into his guts that they couldn't be together. He felt that they should be, and then all of this would be over. He wouldn't have to feel guilty every time Ennis touched him, and he would truly be able to enjoy having sex again. It was always good with Ennis, but he was always riddled with guilt and could never really relax.

"Ennis...I dunno what we're gonna do," he admitted in a quiet voice. Ennis squeezed him.

"Ain't nothin' we can do, bud. Just gotta keep goin', I guess."

"For how long?" Jack asked, remembering the night by the fire in 1967 when he'd asked the same thing. As he'd suspected, Ennis's response was the same.

"As long as we can ride it," came the soft murmur, and Jack closed his eyes. He prayed with all his heart to whoever might be listening that everything would work out for them.

_Ain't no reins on this one, _he thought to himself as they swayed slightly. _Sure wish things would change for us...I need him in my life, an' I know he needs me. How much longer are we gonna be sufferin' like this?_


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

_January 1981_

Ennis pulled Jack closer to him as they kissed heavily, trying to press themselves together as closely as they could. It was just like old times; when they would go at each other again and again in one night, not stopping until they just fell asleep.

"God, darlin'," he breathed as Jack attacked his neck, their hips pressed tightly together and their hard erections rubbing like two torpedoes ready to fire. They had made up after their argument on the last trip, realising that it was a waste of time to fight and take it out on each other. Both of them knew they had to stick together through this; sometimes it was the only thing keeping them going.

"Fuck, Ennis," Jack replied, squirming when Ennis grabbed his ass in two handfuls. He bucked and heard Ennis groan. "Didn't think it'd ever be like this again..."

"Me neither." Ennis rolled them both over and pinned Jack down, a fire in his eyes that Jack hadn't seen for a while. "Wanna fuck you," he whispered, and Jack shivered with anticipation. This was what he lived for, and he always loved it when they were about to have sex. "Gonna fuck you hard, rodeo."

Jack grinned and bit his lip seductively. "Don't just sit there talkin', then. Come an' get it." He widened his legs and that was all the invitation Ennis needed. He swooped down to kiss Jack a few more times before flipping him over; this was the best position when they wanted to do it hard and fast. They'd tried it before with Jack on his back, but they'd both woken up very sore the next morning, especially Jack's hips. As a result, they'd agreed this was the best position for being rough.

To try and remain gentle and loving, Ennis leaned over him and kissed his neck. "Tell me when yer ready, bud." He knew it was important to remind Jack that this wasn't just sex, so he made the effort to be gentle even in these moments. Ennis ran a hand along Jack's smooth skin and took a good look at just how beautiful he still was.

"I'm ready," Jack replied, bracing himself on his knees and elbows as he heard Ennis opening the lube. When Ennis pushed into him, he let out a quiet sigh of contentment; this was how it was supposed to be, and this was the man to whom his heart belonged. Nothing could ever change that. "Oh, God..."

Ennis pushed all the way inside and tried not to gasp at how amazing it still felt. Here he was, about to fuck another man like he had done so many times already, and all he could feel was bliss. He'd found a home within this man's body and he wished they didn't have to go their separate ways so soon.

He squashed down those thoughts and instead took his position. He held Jack around the middle and used his other to balance himself, ready to do this.

They paused for a few moments while they got used to the feeling, and then Ennis started moving. As he desired, he withdrew and pushed back in quickly, fucking Jack in short strokes that he knew would drive his lover crazy. They both liked going slowly and savouring the moment, but there was just something about having rough, quick sex that appealed to them. Jack knew that Ennis would never hurt him intentionally, so he trusted Ennis to take care of him when in control like this.

"God, Ennis...yer so fuckin' good at this," he groaned, and Ennis started kissing his back. His hips were pushing against Jack hard, and he could almost hear the slapping of skin on skin as they touched. Jack bent down lower, his head resting on his arms and eyes screwed shut against the burning inside him. There was something about the pain that was more like pleasure, and he loved feeling Ennis inside him. He no longer cared about how much it hurt; there was no way he was about to complain when Ennis made him feel like this.

"You feel good, darlin'," Ennis breathed in his ear, making him shiver all over. He then moved his hand from Jack's waist to take hold of him, stroking in time to his thrusts and knowing it would finish Jack off in a matter of moments. Neither of them lasted long when they did it like this, but it didn't matter; it was all about the pleasure they gave each other.

"Oh, fuck," Jack groaned, bucking into Ennis's hand before exploding, shooting onto the bedroll and his body shaking. Ennis gave a few more thrusts and felt Jack's muscles squeezing him; that was enough to send him over the edge as he came deep inside Jack, planting his seed and giving Jack a part of himself.

He sank onto Jack's back, making Jack collapse from his weakened knees to the bedroll, and they sighed in unison. Both had missed how things could be between them, and were very happy with what they'd just experienced. Jack turned onto his back and Ennis rested on his chest, smiling dozily.

"You okay there, bud?" he murmured, and Jack nodded, running his hand through Ennis's damp hair.

"Better than okay...think you fucked my brains out just now."

"Thought I did that back in '63," Ennis replied with a grin, and Jack smacked his ass.

"Asshole. Anyway...that was good, Ennis. Missed bein' like that with you..."

"I did too..." Ennis crawled up Jack's body as best he could and kissed him softly, one hand over Jack's beating heart. It gave him some comfort to feel that; to know that Jack was alive and well and happy. Ennis loved him so much and he knew that if they could be together, he would do it. He would have done anything for Jack if they were together, and he still hoped that it would happen. Maybe one day, things would change for the better.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

_April 1981_

Ennis and Jack were both lying in the tent, each of them thinking that the other was asleep. But neither could drop off tonight; they were both too wound up to switch off.

It was clear that time and disappointment were taking their toll, and both men got the sense that things were about to get even worse than they already were. Ennis still wasn't sure why Jack was acting so strange lately; he'd said that it wasn't because of the rejection following Ennis's divorce, so Ennis wasn't sure what it might be. He didn't even know if he believed Jack, if he was honest with himself.

Jack felt conflicted; he loved Ennis and wanted to spend whatever time they could together, but he was growing tired of them not moving anywhere. He wanted them to live together and be a couple for real, but he had lost the belief that it would happen. He would never stop hoping, but while he'd once believed that Ennis would come around, he didn't think that anymore.

He bit his lip and could feel Ennis's warmth behind him, and he wondered if Ennis was awake. He couldn't get to sleep right now, and he was yearning to be in Ennis's arms right now.

Slowly, he turned over onto his other side and his eyes met Ennis's in the dark. "Hey," he said softly, and Ennis touched his cheek.

"Hey yourself, bud," he replied, stroking gently. "How come you ain't asleep?"

"Could ask you the same thing," Jack pointed out, sighing. "Just...can't seem to settle down tonight."

"Anythin' wrong?" Ennis asked, wondering if Jack would ever tell him what was going on. Jack shook his head.

"No...just all wound up." He shuffled closer to Ennis and curled up against him, where Ennis immediately put an arm around him in comfort. "You know what might be good? Since we can't sleep?"

"What?" Ennis wondered if Jack was about to suggest sex, but he got a feeling that wasn't it.

"I was thinkin'...you know how we used to stay up all night talkin', when we was windin' down after doin' it?"

"Yeah, I remember," Ennis agreed, fondly recalling those moments when they used to talk through the night. When they were young up on Brokeback, it had been a good way to pass the time when they could tear themselves away from each other. "We could do that, if you want."

Jack looked up at him and smiled. "Okay. Um...how are things at the ranch?"

"You really wanna talk about work?" Ennis asked him with raised eyebrows. Jack nodded.

"Yeah. When you get talkin' about the horses...you get this kinda light in yer eyes. I can see you like talkin' about 'em."

Ennis thought about this; he'd never heard that from anyone before. Alma had never expressed any interest in hearing about his work, and Cassie was put off by the whole thing. His girls had always liked hearing about the horses, but that was different. This was Jack asking to hear his stories.

"Okay. Um...well, one of the mares is expectin'...she's doin' well. Gonna drop the foal soon, I reckon."

"What does she look like?" Jack asked, being soothed already by Ennis's calm voice.

"She's grey all over," Ennis told him, now rubbing his back. "Got a black mane, though. Real pretty one. Mated with one of the stallions. I always give her an extra sugar cube when I'm passin' through the horses in the stable."

Jack smiled; he could hear the affection in Ennis's voice as he spoke about the horse. He wished that Ennis could be talking about a horse on a ranch owned by the two of them, and he pushed down the heartache building up inside him.

"Wish she could be our horse," he commented without thinking, and Ennis stilled his hand. Jack then looked up at him, realising what he'd said. "Sorry...didn't think."

"It's okay," Ennis reassured him, stroking his skin again. "I know how yer thinkin' Jack. An' you gotta know I want it too..."

_Just not enough to do it, though, _Jack thought bitterly. _We're worth the risk, Ennis...an' I'd risk a tire iron if it meant we could be together. At least I'd die happy..._

"I know," he whispered, closing his eyes. "Wish things could change for us..."

"Me too..." _Jack...please don't go thinkin' that I wouldn't do it even if things changed. I really would, darlin'...an' I don't like thinkin' that I'm hurtin' you by sayin' no. Hope you don't come to hate me, Jack...it'd kill me to know that yer out there an' don't want nothin' to do with me._

"I don't hate you, Ennis," Jack murmured, as if he'd read Ennis's mind. "You should know that. You know how I feel about you..." He leaned over and gently pressed their lips together, telling Ennis without words that he loved him. When they broke apart, he continued. "I know it ain't easy for you, none of this...but I appreciate that you keep agreein' to meet me anyway. I hate what this is doin' to us, an' I hate that we can't be together...but I've never hated you."

"Never hated you either," Ennis replied, stroking his face. "Not even when I was all messed up after that first night on Brokeback. Not even when we had to leave a month early an' I hit you. I never hated you, Jack."

Jack smiled and moved in close so that Ennis could hold him, closing his eyes and wrapping an arm around Ennis's middle. "Guess we just gotta keep goin', cowboy."

"Yep. I ain't sure what's gonna happen, Jack...but I don't wanna worry on it. I say we just take each trip at a time an' see how it goes."

"Right...night, Ennis," Jack replied with a yawn, and Ennis kissed the side of his face.

"Night, darlin'." He held Jack close to his body, feeling protective in the dark. Jack meant so much to him and he hoped that the tides would change for the better. It was the only way to get them together. 


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

_October 1981_

It was just a few days before Jack's birthday, and he was lying on his back in the tent while Ennis was lavishing attention on him, his head between Jack's legs. Jack had his eyes closed in sheer pleasure, loving the feeling of Ennis's warm mouth on him. Ennis used to have such trouble with things like this, when they started up on Brokeback, and Jack knew why. He'd always denied being queer, and this was not something that he'd envisioned himself doing.

Still, Ennis was a lot better at this now. He'd acquired some skill from years of practice, and he could always make Jack feel good. Right now, Jack just needed to forget everything going on in Texas and just focus on this man.

"Feels so fuckin' good," he groaned, lifting his hips slightly as Ennis rubbed his lower stomach. "You sure are good at this, cowboy..."

Ennis let go of him and made sure to get some air. "Like makin' you feel good, Jack," he replied with a grin on his face. Jack smiled at him, seeing shades of how they used to be before things turned so bad. There was a time when they were so young and carefree that he missed now, so he was glad to see a little part of it these days. He stroked the back of Ennis's head and nudged his head down. Ennis got the message and went back to work, wrapping his lips around Jack and tasting the pre-come as Jack neared the edge.

"Oh God," Jack groaned as he bucked his hips. He tried not to choke Ennis, but he couldn't stay still when his lover was doing this to him. He exploded into Ennis's mouth with a yell, shooting into the warm cavern and down Ennis's throat. Ennis kept swallowing as Jack rode it out, feeling his own come spilling onto the bedroll without even touching himself. It wasn't often he could do that these days.

Jack went limp and collapsed back to the bedroll, sighing and feeling a little dizzy. Ennis just knew exactly what to do with his body to drive him crazy, and he was very grateful for it. He knew that if they were together, they could have sex more often and might even discover new ways of pleasing each other if they had the time. But as it was, there wasn't much variety to what they did.

"That was somethin' else, Ennis...come up here..." Ennis crawled back up and lay on Jack's chest, still tasting Jack on his tongue. He could remember a time when the thought of swallowing had made him nervous and unsure of himself; he'd worried that it would make him sick, which would make Jack feel bad. Thankfully, he'd always liked the taste and he got a good feeling from doing it for Jack. He also had a good time himself from performing oral; Jack just felt so good in his mouth.

"You like that, bud?" he murmured, running a hand over Jack's chest and appreciating what he found. Jack had put on some weight over the last few years (probably a result of such good living down in Texas), but Ennis didn't mind so much. He was still good-looking and Ennis was still attracted to him, so it didn't really matter.

Jack didn't tell Ennis, but part of the reason why he'd decided to grow a moustache and put on weight was to see whether or not Ennis would still want him if he looked more masculine. It was a test; he wanted to know if Ennis would still touch him and kiss him if any illusions were shattered. This way, he could be left in no doubt that he was here with a man and Jack wanted to know Ennis's reaction to that. It seemed to him that Ennis hadn't cared too much; he was still loving and attentive in his own way, and didn't recoil when his lips brushed against the moustache. They'd actually found that Jack's oral skills improved when he went down on Ennis; the moustache would tickle Ennis and that had even more of an effect on him than usual.

"You doin' okay?" Ennis asked softly, and Jack nodded, running his hands through Ennis's hair.

"Just fine, cowboy. You know I like it when you suck me off. Always feels good..." He smiled and wrapped his arms around Ennis's middle, lacing his fingers together. "I like bein' here with you close to my birthday...it's like I'm gettin' an extra birthday present." He smiled when he saw Ennis's cheeks reddening, and kissed his lover's forehead. "Like when it's nearly your birthday or Christmas..."

"Yeah," Ennis replied, kissing Jack's chest. He liked showing affection towards Jack, and he knew that it was appreciated, but it was still an effort for someone like him. He'd never seen much affection in his life before meeting Jack, and this man had changed everything. Jack had changed him, and he was grateful for it. He just wished that they could spend more time together; who knew what else would change if they could be together all the time? Who might he become if he allowed Jack the time to work on him and get him to open up more? It was a scary prospect, but part of it was very appealing.

He closed off those thoughts before they could influence him; it was too dangerous to be thinking like that. Here, they were safe and nothing could hurt them. Even if they could change each other by being together, they could also get hurt or killed. He knew deep down that it was worth the risk, but he just couldn't stand to lose Jack and didn't know what he would do if that happened.

_What's he thinkin' about there? _Jack thought to himself, watching Ennis's face as he lay on his chest. _Wonder if he's thinkin' about sayin' yes...good luck with that one, Twist. _He let his head fall back and closed his eyes, wondering if he was right.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

_January 1982_

There was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, and the two men were huddled close together one morning trying to keep warm. Ennis could feel Jack shivering and pulled him closer, hoping that Jack didn't get frostbite.

"Fuckin' cold out here," Jack mumbled into Ennis's chest, still shaking. "Hate bein' out here when it's been snowin'."

Ennis nodded and rubbed his back. "I know, bud. Sure wish it could be warmer up here. How about...I keep you warm?" he offered. It wasn't often that he suggested sex, but it was the only thing he could think of to warm them up. Jack looked up at him, a smile on his face.

"I'd like that...but I don't wanna be exposin' myself an' gettin' things frozen, you know? Be like a pair of popsicles."

Ennis couldn't help but laugh at this, and he stroked Jack's face. "Just thinkin' of you, bud. Don't wanna spend our whole trip like this. We're s'posed to be enjoyin' ourselves..."

Jack nodded, and he planted a kiss on Ennis's lips. "I know. We can try it, I guess. But if it's too cold, I'm zippin' back up."

"Fair enough." They disentangled themselves and undid their jeans, hoping that they could go through with this before they got too cold. Jack then lay on his side facing away from Ennis, indicating the position he wanted. Ennis understood and smoothed the lube over himself before moving back close to Jack, feeling the warmth emanating from the other man's body. "Don't freeze on me, bud."

"I'll try not to," Jack replied, and he let out a soft gasp as he felt his lover penetrate him. Ennis took it slowly and gently at first, just savouring how this felt and knowing that nothing could come close to this. He didn't understand why he needed this man so much, or why he had fallen in love with him, but he knew it was the truth. His heart would always yearn for him to tell Jack how he felt, but his voice just wouldn't co-operate every time he tried.

Still, as he buried himself inside Jack and they held onto each other, he knew he couldn't dwell on that. He'd said himself that they were supposed to enjoy these trips, and he was determined to do that. He loved being out here with Jack, even with the cold weather; it allowed him to escape from his life for a few days, and to forget everything that was going on. Alma knew about them and hated him for it, the girls were growing up and becoming women themselves, soon to start their own lives. Cassie was sweet enough but he had to admit that he had no real feelings for her. It was awful for him to admit, but he thought that if he was seen with her, it would eliminate any chance of people wondering about him.

"Jack," he whispered as he started moving. "You feel so fuckin' good, darlin'..." He kissed the back of Jack's neck and held Jack around the middle, his heart filling with the love he had for this man.

"You...you make me feel good, Ennis," Jack managed to say back, eyes falling shut as Ennis moved inside him. Nobody could match Ennis when it came to sex; they didn't even come close as far as he was concerned. All were just cheap imitations that he only went after to fill the time between trips.

Jack turned his head and their eyes met in the darkness, their souls connecting as they looked at each other. Ennis then leaned in to kiss Jack and it was as if the world slipped away and they were the only two left. They had felt like that up on Brokeback, when they were just kids and ruled their own little world. Nothing could touch them up there for those few short months, and Jack longed to feel so carefree once more. But he knew that they would never find it anywhere else; perhaps that was why they had never returned to the mountain itself.

Their lips parted and Ennis straddled Jack's lower leg, trying to push in deeper and harder and drawing a moan out of his lover. "God, Ennis...I think yer gonna tear me in two but don't stop..." Ennis did as he was asked, moving faster until Jack started trembling; a sure sign that he was close. "Oh, fuck..."

"That's what I'm doin', bud," he replied, hips pushing against Jack in a steady rhythm until Jack gave a yell and shot across the bedroll, hitting the canvas of the tent. He gave a few more thrusts and was there himself, filling Jack with everything he had until he was spent.

They lay there panting, seeing stars before their eyes as they came down. Ennis slowly pulled out of Jack and rested his forehead against Jack's back; they were both covered in sweat but neither cared too much.

"Reckon yer warm enough now, bud?" Ennis asked, grinning slightly. Jack laughed.

"Yeah, I think so. You sure did the trick, cowboy." They both started laughing and Jack turned over, smiling widely. "I-" he started, and then stopped. He couldn't finish his sentence; they had agreed not to say those three words, no matter how true it was.

_I love you, _he thought instead, cupping Ennis's face and kissing him. _I love you so much...an' you make me happy, even when things ain't too good. _"That was great," he said softly, and Ennis nodded. He'd caught Jack's slip of the tongue and knew what Jack had been about to say. Part of him was glad that Jack didn't, because he couldn't be sure of the outcome.

But as they held each other afterwards, Ennis realised that an even larger part of him was disappointed that Jack hadn't finished his words. He wanted Jack to say it, and wanted very much to say it back. He didn't quite know what to think about that.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

_June 1982_

It had been nineteen years since Brokeback, particularly since their first night together, but neither Ennis nor Jack felt much like celebrating. Jack felt guilty about what he got up to when they were apart, and Ennis was left wondering what was going through his mind. They hadn't been the best at communicating, but now they could barely talk at all about their feelings. Both knew how the other felt, but they just couldn't go down that road.

Jack was facing away from Ennis in the tent, wishing that Ennis would take hold of him and re-enact that first night as he often did. He could do with a good fuck right now to take his mind off things, and who better to do it than the man he loved?

_Does he even know how much I love him? _he wondered, thinking about his lover who he thought was asleep. _Does he realise how I would give up everythin' I have for him? The house, the money...it don't matter. Lureen probably wouldn't care, an' it don't mean I can never see Bobby again. Reckon he'd be better off if I was happy; maybe then I could be a good father instead of missin' Ennis all the time._

He sighed to himself and curled up, trying to ignore the pain in his heart. But it was very difficult when all he could think of was how it might be if they were together. He wanted that more than anything, and he wished that he could tell Ennis how he felt.

Ennis, meanwhile, was becoming aware that Jack was awake. Wondering if Jack would say anything, he decided to show some affection; something told him that Jack needed it. Slowly so as not to spook him, Ennis shuffled closer and gently laid a hand on Jack's side. "Bud?"

Jack jumped a little; he'd thought that Ennis was asleep and now was very unsure of himself. "Thought you was asleep," he murmured, liking the feeling of Ennis's warm hand on his side. He did appreciate the comfort Ennis was trying to offer him; Ennis had come a long way in the last nineteen years.

"I was...but I woke up an' I can see somethin's wrong. You okay?" To Ennis's mind, Jack had been acting strangely ever since 1976, after the rejection following his divorce. Ennis no longer believed Jack when he said that it wasn't the cause of his behaviour, but Jack was offering no other explanation. As a result, he had to try and let it go.

"I'm fine," Jack whispered, unwilling to face Ennis right now. If he did, he thought he might lose control and just break down in Ennis's arms. He was so frustrated and constantly yearning to be with Ennis for longer than a week, and he often wondered if Ennis felt the same. A part of his heart thought that Ennis was satisfied with these trips; that he didn't want things to go any further. Doubt had begun to eat at him and he was questioning everything at the moment.

"If you say so," Ennis relented, rubbing Jack's smooth skin. Jack closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh, enjoying what Ennis was doing.

"That feels good," he said softly, and Ennis smiled a little. "Like it when you touch me...an' not just when we're doin' it."

"Hmm." Ennis ran his hand up Jack's back, keeping the touch light yet firm, and ran it over Jack's shoulder in a one-handed massage. Jack sighed, finally feeling some of the tension escaping him. "This good?"

"Uh huh," Jack replied as Ennis slowly caressed him, very grateful that Ennis was trying to do something for him to make him feel better. Even if he could never tell Ennis what was going on, he knew he could count on his cowboy to make it all go away for a few moments. He knew that if they were together, it would be amazing and they could be very happy. But they were stuck in this vicious circle with no way out, so he had to put up with it. "Sure does..."

Ennis continued to rub his back until he couldn't go any further, and then wrapped an arm around Jack's waist. "You feel better now?" he asked gently in Jack's ear, and Jack smiled widely, feeling loved and cared for.

"I sure do. You always know how to do that, cowboy. Thanks..."

"Ain't no trouble, darlin'," Ennis replied, now rubbing his stomach. If anything was going to help Jack fall asleep, it was this. "You know I...care about you," he managed to say, and Jack's eyes flew open. It was the closest Ennis had ever come to saying those three words, and his heart was filled with love. While it pained him to hear these words, it also made him happy.

"I care about you too," he whispered back, holding onto Ennis's arm where it held him. "You know I do. An' I know it wasn't easy for you to say that, so...thank you."

"Wanted to say it," Ennis admitted. _Wish I could say more than that, bud...but this is the best I can do. Hope it's enough to let you know what I really wanna say. I love you, Jack..._

Jack smiled, thinking back to when Ennis had told him that he loved him. He'd feigned sleep at the time, but he'd heard the words and would never forget them. He would carry these precious moments with him for the rest of his life, even if he didn't spend it with Ennis. This was the man who he saw every night in his dreams, who he thought of for almost every moment of the day. Even if they never got together, Jack knew he would always love Ennis and nothing could change that. Maybe one day, they would meet up elsewhere in some kind of afterlife and be together. Nobody could hurt them there and they would finally be where they belonged. 


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

_December 1982_

It was a cold morning, and Jack was busy making breakfast for the two of them as he waited for Ennis to wake up. He liked doing the cooking; he was better at it these days and he enjoyed putting a smile on Ennis's face by giving him a cooked meal. Jack knew that Ennis had grown up hungry and still didn't eat properly, so he wanted to at least give Ennis something good to eat.

Jack often thought about what it might be like if they lived together. Would he be the cook, or would they take it in turns? How would they divide chores? What colour would their bedroom be? All of these were things that people just took for granted in opposite-sex relationships, and were things that he often wondered about. He knew he wanted to be with Ennis and that it could still be a sweet life in spite of everything that had happened.

He thought back on the last nineteen years, Next May, it would be twenty years since they had met, and he thought that it was high time for a few changes. Jack knew he couldn't go on living like this; he didn't love Lureen and he was getting sick of sneaking around with someone he didn't want to be with anyway. He was passing the time in between trips, and would gladly give all of it up if Ennis accepted his offer. Maybe it was time they had a talk.

His musings were interrupted by the sound of movement by the tent; Ennis had awoken and was stirring. Jack couldn't help but smile as he pictured Ennis first thing in the morning; blonde hair in disarray, brown eyes full of sleep and his movements fairly slow. Jack loved how endearing Ennis could be, even now, and knew that he loved everything about this man.

Ennis exited the tent and saw Jack cooking breakfast, a smile spreading across his face. He made his way over to Jack and sat down beside him. "Mornin'."

"Mornin', cowboy," Jack replied, leaning over to kiss him but then recoiling. "You've got mornin' breath...I ain't kissin' you like that."

Ennis nudged him, leaning closer just to wind him up. "C'mon, Jack...ain't that bad."

"Go brush yer teeth," Jack told him, moving away. Ennis sighed and relented, leaving Jack with an affectionate smile on his face. He really did love Ennis and wished that things could be different.

_Maybe they can be, _he thought as the food became ready to eat. _Maybe all we gotta do is talk things out...an' I can make him see how it's the best thing for both of us. God knows I love him, an' he loves me. Maybe if we said it out loud, it would change everythin'. _

It was worth a try, he knew. At least if they lived together, Ennis could be sure of his safety and would be able to protect him. Jack didn't see how Ennis could be so convinced that it was better for them to be apart. Nobody knew about them right now, it was true, and people would figure it out if they lived together.

But that didn't have to be a bad thing. They could make friends and have people around to support them if things turned bad. The world was changing and not just in the cities, so it wasn't out of the question for them to make friends. If only Ennis could see beyond the less-than-tolerant environment of Riverton. They could get out of there, live in a quiet place where nobody knew them. The kids could visit and everybody would be better off.

He watched Ennis finish with his teeth and sighed to himself, wondering what went through Ennis's mind. Did he even want to try anymore, to have more than this? When they were younger, Ennis had been quite distraught over how miserable they were and he'd vocalised his wish that they could be together, but that was years ago. He'd been divorced from Alma and he still hadn't budged on his answer to Jack's offer. There was truly nothing holding them back but his fear, and Jack wondered if he could work on that. If they were together, he could help Ennis to see that not everybody was like his father.

"There, done," Ennis told him as he came back over and resumed his seat. "Now are you gonna kiss me?" Jack smiled and touched his face.

"That's better," he replied as he leaned over, planting his lips on Ennis's and kissing him a few times. He still enjoyed kissing Ennis as much as ever, and he did like how Ennis sometimes stroked his moustache after kissing him. To him, it was evidence that Ennis didn't mind the fact that he was kissing another man, at least not as much as he would have before. He also knew that Ennis enjoyed it when he was giving him oral and the moustache would tickle him. Jack had thought that Ennis was going to scream out of ecstasy when he was tickled down there, and he had to bite back a grin at the thought.

"What's with you?" Ennis asked, catching the smirk on Jack's face. Jack whispered in his ear what he was thinking of and Ennis's cheeks reddened. "Oh..."

"Don't gotta be embarrassed, cowboy," Jack told him as he handed over the food. "I like seein' you like that. You shot so much I thought I was gonna choke."

Ennis shrugged. "Well..." He started eating, still squirming at the memory of how it had felt that first time after Jack had grown the moustache. It certainly had been good, and he'd enjoyed it very much. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all that he was seeing another man; this man meant a lot to him and Ennis knew that his resolve was weakening. With every trip, his reluctance to leave everything he knew in favour of Jack was slipping away. 


	45. Chapter 45

_**Author's notes**_

_Hey guys :) As you may have guessed, this is the last entry to the story. I apologise for any tears this causes. _

_My next story is The Choices We Make, the sequel to Lessons In Love, and the first chapter will be posted on the 4th March._

_If you want a recap of Lessons In Love, check out my livejournal - I posted a recap on February 26th if you want to take a look and refresh your memory of that universe. _

_So that's all for now, hope you enjoyed this story._

_Bye for now,_

_Kathryn xxx_

* * *

**Chapter 45**

_May 1983_

Jack stood by his truck, staring down the road as Ennis drove away. The past half an hour was running through his head and had given him plenty to think about.

He didn't know why he'd snapped, but guessed it was due to frustration at them not being together more often. He'd just had enough of missing Ennis so much when they were apart, and kept thinking that Ennis didn't care. What had happened today proved that he'd been wrong about that. Ennis did care, and Jack knew now how much his cowboy had been suffering.

At least some things were out in the open now; how he'd been to Mexico and that he'd only done it because he'd missed Ennis. He thought he'd made a good point; that it wasn't fair of Ennis to get angry about it when it was pretty much his fault. Jack figured that while he understood how scared Ennis still was, he didn't have to let his fears rule him anymore. Being together was no guarantee that something bad would happen.

"_I just can't stand this anymore, Jack," Ennis mumbled into his coat. Jack held onto him and was in shock at how Ennis had just broken down. He'd never seen Ennis like this._

Jack sighed and kept watching the now empty road, a grim expression on his face. He wasn't too sure what might happen now. But the conversation after Ennis's breakdown had given him hope.

"_Ennis," Jack said softly after his lover's sobbing had subsided. "It's alright...come on, calm down..."_

_He drew away a little to look into Ennis's face. The eyes were bloodshot and Ennis looked completely miserable. Jack sighed and knelt down with him, taking his hands._

"_It's okay...I didn't mean to hurt you or nothin'," he said gently, and Ennis started taking deep, gulping breaths. "Sorry..."_

"_You was right," Ennis replied, staring at their hands. "It is my fault that you...did that. I kept pushin' you away, tellin' you we couldn't be together. No wonder you..." He swallowed. "I'm the one who oughta be sorry. An' I am, Jack..." He raised his head to look into Jack's eyes. "I'm sorry, too."_

"_Ennis..." Jack said, and then hesitated. He just had to say it now, regardless of the consequences. Ennis needed to know how he felt, and that he didn't hate him. "There's somethin' I gotta tell you. I reckon you already know what it is, an' I know we agreed not to say it, but I've gotta." He stared into Ennis's eyes, hoping that his nerve wouldn't fail him. "I love you," he said clearly, and he saw fresh tears gathering in Ennis's eyes. "I've loved you since Brokeback, even when you was pissin' me off or sendin' me away after yer divorce. It never changed."_

_Ennis nodded, unable to speak. Jack had loved him all this time, regardless of what they'd done to each other. Even when Jack had been with someone else, he'd loved Ennis._

"_Jack, I..."_

"_You don't have to say it back," Jack said quietly, squeezing his hands. "I know it ain't easy for you. But just answer me...do you feel the same? You can just nod if you want." Ennis looked at him and nodded, and Jack heard the confirmation all the same._

Jack tore his eyes away from the road and turned back to his truck, remembering that moment. They had confirmed their love for each other at last, after avoiding the subject for so long. He felt a lot lighter now that it was out in the open, and he was glad he'd initiated it. The moment had been worthwhile.

He knew why he'd been so angry about their next trip not being until November. It was six months away, instead of three like August, and the wait was almost unbearable. Six months without Ennis was like torture to him, and he just hadn't been able to help it. At least Ennis understood why he'd reacted like that; so much was out there now for them to work on.

_Jack smiled and cupped Ennis's cheeks, wiping the tears from them. "I knew you did, even if you could never say it. But I'm glad we can get it out now. I've wanted to say it for twenty years, an' I know why you've been so scared." He paused before continuing, wondering what Ennis would say to his next speech. "Look...we don't have to be scared. Maybe now...we could finally talk about...livin' together?"_

_Ennis bit his lip before replying. "I...I ain't never gonna stop bein' scared, Jack. But...yeah, maybe. Can't go on like this, bud...I miss you too much an'...look what it's doin'..."_

"_I know." Jack kissed him on the mouth, trying to give him some comfort and understanding. Right now, all he wanted to do was to hold Ennis and tell him that everything was going to be okay. "We'll work it out. I'll come an' meet you in November, like you said. Wherever you want. An' when I do, we can talk this out. Figure out what we're gonna do. Do you want us to be together?"_

"_Yeah," Ennis admitted, nodding. "Always did...just didn't know how we could..."_

"_It ain't too late," Jack told him, caressing his face. "We can work this out, cowboy." They embraced and held each other close, finally ready to move forward after twenty years._

Jack smiled a little as he fondly recalled the conversation. They had pretty much agreed that they were getting together, as a real couple. November was a long time away, but it would give them chance to calm down and figure things out. There was a lot to consider, but he knew they could handle it.

He didn't foresee the tragedy waiting for him on a lonely road down in Texas, where he would meet his end. But Ennis would be on his mind as life slipped away from him and Jack would know that nothing could truly tear them apart. Nothing could stop a force of nature.


End file.
